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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
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Nomi Tang Better than Chocolate vibrator
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Better than Chocolate

December 13, 2009
Let’s get one thing out of the way: I don’t like chocolate all that much. In small doses or in...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Tera Patrick’s Super Charged Magnum

July 31, 2008
I know packaging doesn’t matter, but sometimes I just can’t ignore the hilarity of it. Check out this piece of...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Gyrating Massager

October 20, 2008
When I saw this vibrator in its package for the first time, I gasped. It looked gargantuan. Huge. Dong-like. The...
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Intensity

April 11, 2012
The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used...
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Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: My Secret

April 15, 2008
Last fall, I had an aggravating experience with my bank. When I arrived back home and couldn’t shake my bad...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Cry Baby

January 7, 2009
It sounds wrong to say “my Cry Baby is dead.” But it’s true. Now, I did not drop my Cry...
Keep Reading
My Celebrator oscillating toothbrush vibrator on a vintage floral patterned surface.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: My Celebrator

July 1, 2016
What is life if not a series of attempts at proving arrogant men wrong? I never wanted to have to...
Keep Reading
All hail the Vibratex Mystic Wand! On a desk next to a cute container of colorful sharpie pens.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Mystic Wand

January 12, 2011
The Vibratex Mystic Wand is a damn good sex toy. No caveats, no horror stories. It just gets things right....
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Crystal Candy G-Licious

September 15, 2008
The Crystal Candy G-Licious came in a transparent plastic box that looked like it belonged in the little girls’ aisle...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Waterproof Slender Probe

June 20, 2009
There’s only so much you can say about a $20 plastic vibrator, and so I won’t say much. The Waterproof...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Beyond 1

April 16, 2010
How do you improve on a truly fantastic G-spot dildo? Duh, you make it vibrate! Vibrations make everything infinitely better,...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory G-Twist
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: G-Twist

January 21, 2009
The first thing I noticed about the Fun Factory G-Twist was that it was quite large. The second thing I...
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Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Silicone Bliss

December 3, 2008
Silicone, eh? Is that so? Really? I don’t believe you. You are California Exotic; you do not do this. You...
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: OhMiBod

May 30, 2009
I knew the OhMiBod was a shoddy piece of crap from the get-go. I just didn’t have quite enough justification...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Treeze Wave

June 24, 2009
I used to hold to the unfounded belief that making any material vibrate would be an accomplishment. Trying the Don Wands...
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The simplehuman Sensor Pump on my nightstand, squirting lube onto my Pure Wand.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

June 10, 2016
Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 4

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Wobbling Willy, a magenta dildo with a bobble head attached.

What, you don’t want a dildo with your boyfriend’s face on it?

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Fun Toys G-Vibe, a purple dildo with a split shape, creepin' on the neighbors through the blinds.

Review: G-Vibe

Sex toys drying on the kitchen counter.

A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.

Review: Pure Plugs

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