Review: Getaway Wild

Nomi Tang Getaway Wild, LELO Ella, LELO Gigi.
L to R: Nomi Tang Getaway Wild, LELO Ella, LELO Gigi.

Those who remember the wrath I unleashed on the Nomi Tang Better than Chocolate may be surprised that I was even interested in the latest Nomi Tang creation, the insertable Getaway Wild. But the shape of the Wild reminded me of my old-time squirting lover, the LELO Ella, so I suspended my previous judgment —

— until I dealt with the Wild’s battery compartment. Holy crap, the easiest way to make me quickly hate a toy is to make me loathe putting batteries in it. Honeymoon: immediately, irrevocably, over. Commence irritation and not-entirely-warranted judgment.

Let me explain. The base of the toy unscrews to reveal the battery chamber. Inside the chamber is a plastic sheath for the 2 AA batteries. This sheath must be removed, then the batteries have to be forced (truly.) into it. Put the sheath back in the chamber and you’re in business, but the problem comes when you have to remove the batteries. The sheath has a loop for pulling it out, but it requires super-human strength. And when you get that out, you still have to extract the batteries from the death-grip of the sheath. Yep, this is yet another pliers situation. Or, uh, teeth, but don’t tell my mom.

Basically, this whole battery fiasco is as depressing as it was to slog through that paragraph-long explanation of it.

So, the Getaway Wild is covered in a silky silicone (more smooth that the Better than Chocolate’s elastomer), but there is no give to the material at all. When the base screws onto the shaft, the seal doesn’t look very airtight. This toy is supposedly waterproof, but when I took it in the bath, little air bubbles kept escaping from the seam between the base and the shaft. The Wild has not died on me, but I would be wary of using it underwater often.

Like the Better than Chocolate, the Wild starts on the highest vibration setting when the power button is pressed. It’s a mild vibration that will probably disappoint a great many people. For me, I don’t really care, because internal vibrations aren’t my cup of coffee anyway. However, when turned on, the Wild rattles somewhat, which is obnoxious.

Clitorally, the Wild is a flop. The shape is great, but the vibrations just suck.

The once-intriguing touch controls have not been improved since the Better than Chocolate. They are still a pain in the ass. They are not better than regular buttons or dials. Do not be wooed by allusions to iPods and shit.

Even worse, the manta-ray-shaped base is a terrible mistake. I mean, I know it’s Nomi Tang’s signature or whatever, but how the fuck is that ever going to be ergonomic? In any universe? It’s like the exact opposite of ergonomic — the way the wings shove themselves into my palms when I grasp them. There is no good way to hold this thing. It is a battle that cannot be won.

The one saving grace of the Wild is the shape of the shaft. It’s a complete rip-off of the LELO Gigi and Ella, so it feels similarly. Like Gigi and Ella, it can feel awkward to insert, but can feel amazing on the G-spot once thrusted. Unlike Gigi and Ella, it has a hefty handle, and it doesn’t disappear into my vagina when I use it. Yet, despite this, I still think I prefer Ella; Ella, made of pure silicone and nothing else, has more flexibility, and feels a bit better internally, even if I get lube all over my hand when I use it.

I thought I would appreciate the length of the Getaway Wild’s shaft, and the fact that it has a handle. I thought that jacking off would be easier than it is with the shorter Ella. And yes, it is easier and less messy, but not quite as pleasurable. And I don’t really know why, but I can squirt super easily with Ella, but not as easily with the Getaway Wild. I think it has to do with the pliability of Ella, although it may be that I am generally grumpy about the awkward manta ray base and horrific battery situation. Hey, I never claimed to be entirely objective.

The Getaway Wild kinda sucks and can barely be found anyway. Instead, I recommend the PicoBong Moka, Toyfriend Choosy, or LELO Ella.