Apr 012014
 

[Edit: Although I do love these companies, this is an April Fool’s joke. GOTCHU.]

Being a niche blog, and one dedicated to something that a percentage of inhabitants of earth refuse to even talk about, I’ve spent years growing relationships with companies in the adult industry alone. But a few months back, one of my friends suggested reaching out to more “mainstream” places, like those who make my favorite non-dildo products. The idea sounded just crazy enough that it might work.

Heaps and heaps of emails and wishful thinking later, I’m happy (and surprised) to report that five companies have agreed to sponsor me and the orifices/appendages that are not my genitals. These things can’t give me orgasms, but they will make my life easier, more delicious, and perhaps even more productive.

International Delight

International Delight logo and creamer line-up

I plow through creamer like it’s water, and have ever since I was born I started drinking coffee roughly 13 years ago. My morning begins with coffee doused with creamer — OR ELSE. Finally, a company has agreed to indulge my shameless addiction. International Delight makes my favorite creamer flavor of all time, Caramel Macchiato. I’ve had flings with others, like Coffeemate’s Cinnamon Vanilla Creme, but I distinctly remember the first time I tried I.D. Caramel Macchiato. LIFE CHANGING.

With International Delight’s sponsorship, I’ll be getting a delivery of fresh creamer each week, and I’ll be able to sample all the new and strange flavors without risking my wallet. Which is a relief, because I am petrified of mocha-flavored ones and anything that is meant to mimic cream cheese. (You’d think that’d be obvious, but then Cinnabon happened.)

International Delight Caramel Macchiato singles

As a sweet bonus, they’re also sending me a lifetime supply of these, so I’ll never have to endure plain cream and sugar at a breakfast establishment ever again.

Converse

Converse logo

I’ve been wearing Converse since I was a teenager and discovered this thing called “writing lyrics on the rubber of your shoes to make yourself look deep.” Also, I’m lazy, and if I know my size and can order something online, I will do so. So, even when I’m supposed to be professional, I wear Converse. I have several pairs, including some gorgeous gold sparkle ones I found on eBay. And now… now, they let me design my own Epiphora-themed pair, and they are GLORIOUS:

Epiphora-themed Converse!

The people at Converse have been nice, although a bit aloof and clueless. They sent me several pairs of high-tops despite my expressed distaste for those, as well as a USB drive full of modern music that they dubbed the “Chuck Taylor Brand Emissary Playlist.” I replied that instead of free music, I’d prefer that they cover the medical bill for my future flat foot problems. They were not amused.

Fish Eye Winery

Fish Eye Winery logo

Coming in a close third to coffee and water, wine also keeps me alive. For years I avoided it, sucking up pineapple rum instead — but when I began losing weight, I switched to wine. Usually white. Usually chardonnay, but I’m not picky or discerning. I still don’t love the taste of it (although mixing orange juice into it for a “white trash mimosa” is pretty sweet), but it gets the job done. It is my drink of choice for porn watching get-togethers, Skype dates, meeting new people who may or may not murder me, Sybian-riding parties, yelling at the internet, and making politics bearable.

I like Fish Eye because it’s cheap as shit, readily available within a few blocks of my apartment, and it’s vegan, which is important because although I’m not vegan, some of my best friends are. The only awkward moment was when they asked me how many bottles I would like per month. Um…

Bounty

Bounty logo

Paper towels are the cornerstone of my sex blogging existence. I use them for so many things:

Being a cheapskate, though, I’ve always settled for whatever’s cheap. Sometimes I’ll run out of paper towels and have to resort to setting my toys on printer paper. Truly low points in my career.

Thankfully, Bounty has ensured that I won’t endure these kinds of hardships ever again. They readily understood my plight and sent me so many paper towels I had to clear some space in my garage. “Let us know if you need us to replenish your stock,” they told me. I’m taking this as a challenge.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell logo

I’ll admit, my first choice for a meal sponsor was Panda Express, but they ignored all my emails. That’s okay; Taco Bell and I were destiny. Of all the companies in this post, they were the only ones to contact me first, via a Twitter DM which read: “Hi! Seen yr tweets about us. U definitely think outside the bun!! Wld love 2 sponsor u if ur interested. We can offer free food for u & ur friends. #blessed.” Um, yes. I’ve always been a fan of Taco Bell, as evidenced by my first ever tweet about them:

I was surprised by Taco Bell’s enthusiasm, considering the dig against the Crunchwrap in my Unique Condom round-up, my public mocking of Taco Bell’s atmosphere, and my denigrating of their Cinnamon Twists in my review of a glass dildo shaped like one. But it seems that, unlike many companies, Taco Bell knows how to take a joke. (I did, after all, once say that their food was a better deal than a 99-cent vibrating phone app.)

As per our agreement, I will be provided with a special card I can use freely at any Taco Bell location, not to exceed $300 per month. So everyone: Taco Bell feast at my place! And they are now serving breakfast, so I’ll be covered for all four meals of the day. Seriously can’t wait to scarf the Waffle Taco.

Taco Bell's new Waffle Taco

Maybe someday?

Here are the companies that either denied me or didn’t reply to me. No hard feelings, bro, but maybe you’ll reconsider when you see how influential I can be? If I can make someone throw out all their jelly toys, order a bunch of Sliquid, and have their first G-spot orgasm in just one week, think of what I could do to elevate your brand!

Sidenote: I am still looking for a pajama pant sponsor, but have yet to find a brand that lives up to my expectations of comfort. Contact me if you have any suggestions.

Mr. Coffee logo

Mr. Coffee. I already have a mug warmer for every room of my house, so that was covered, yet they still called my demands “unreasonable” and “excessive.” Apparently a grinder, an espresso machine, a K-Cup machine, a latte machine, a frappe machine, and an iced coffee machine were “overboard.”

Acer logo

Acer. My whole life is divided between two gorgeous Acer monitors. I had begun dreaming of a four-monitor set-up and tried to make the guy at Acer understand my vision, but he shot me down: “we try to distance ourselves from the lascivious activities our products are truly used for.”

uni-ball logo

uni-ball. The Jetstream is my all-time favorite pen, but considering I’m writing this with a computer, they were not interested. “Contact us in the future if you decide to handwrite your blog on papyrus.”

Rockstar Energy logo

Rockstar. Energy drinks are one of the only reasons I get anything done; in fact, you can thank Rockstar and bad music for the design of this site. My talks with Rockstar were moving along nicely, and I even sent them a list of my favorite drinks (Recovery Orange and Pure Zero Mango Orange Passionfruit, NO “COFFEE” STUFF OR I’LL SLIT YOUR THROAT), but when it came time to pay me, they replied, “wait, uh, what, you’re not a dude?” and ceased all correspondence.

CamelBak logo

CamelBak. I use their water bottles religiously because they’re the only ones I’ve found that don’t leak and can withstand being constantly knocked onto the floor by cats. Despite what I considered a gripping testimony of my allegiance to their brand, they denied me because my “lifestyle” is not “healthy” enough for them.

———

With my basic needs for coffee, wine, food, shoes, and paper towels taken care of, I’ll have a lot more time for sitting home masturbating and writing. This can only mean good things for this blog. So thank you, International Delight, Converse, Fish Eye Winery, Bounty, and Taco Bell! Y’all rock.

Peeps: when you’re as famous as me, who will you get to sponsor your life?

  • Pantophile Panic

    I am really digging this post. By the time I got down to the Taco Bell part I was dying laughing. Keep up the good work!

  • Pjur Silicone Lube. God knows I’ve done enough evangelizing for them!

    <3 the post.

  • Sarah

    When I’m as famous as you are, I hope to have my life sponsored by Taste of the Wild dog food, Urban Decay cosmetics, literally any winery, Red Bull, and Sally Beauty Supply. You’re an inspiration.

  • Lunabelle

    This is brilliant, something for all of us to aspire to! BTW, I would love to see a post on your favorite sex toy/post-session Taco Bell item combinations… or better still, a nice coffee table book with artistic photos of each pairing.

  • gypsylibrarian

    Congrats on the new sponsors. Stuff for your coffee AND wine? Sounds like you are set to keep on going. On a question, do you get to/have to put a logo or something of theirs someplace on your blog?

    Best, and keep on blogging.

  • Microsoft.

    For 20 years working in IT security I’ve been ranting about the persistent stupidity and outright evil of MS and their products, in the process convincing many people that they can’t really be so terrible and merit a try. Like people who read your reviews and go out to throw down some bucks on cupcakes, magnetic oscillation depilators, and floppy see-through dildos oozing dioxin.

  • Tom

    Hi new sponsors!

  • I shall never be as famous as you.
    But if I WERE, I’d say Keurig, CoffeeMate, Logitech, and a few big name gluten-free food makers.

  • Ella

    Hmm, it’s April 1st and I have a feeling that this is bogus. I know you love to screw around with us and remember last year’s post. Nice one, Piph. 😉

  • This is really exciting. I’m professionally and personal ecstatic for you!

  • When I get super famous, I will endeavour to be sponsored by a variety of furniture companies. Then I will break in all the furniture and write a kama sutra-esque book about the best sex positions for overstuffed lounge chairs and coffee table bondage. People will buy more furniture, but the end result will be that no one will be comfortable sitting on anyone else’s furniture EVER AGAIN.

  • Jillian Boyd

    And a happy April Fools day to you too, Piph!

    (I’d totally want Ryman the stationer to sponsor me – I’d forever swim in a plethora of office supplies and stationary. BLISS)

  • This is exciting news and I’m really happy for you! I hope that one day I’ll be able to get such awesome sponsors too. You’re living the dream 🙂

    Congrats!

  • majnara

    I wish I didnt run into so many writers blocks so I could get my blog started. Once I do get it started and going good enough to get sponsors I would like Monster, Zeypherhills, Digorno, Wendys, some book publisher, HP, and either sketchers or converse. Water is my primary after session refreshment while monster is my blood… although it would also be helpful to have someone who makes dock line as a sponsor, but i doubt they would go for the reason of i use it for rope bondage.

  • Hook a human up with those tiny creamer cups, I love to do those as shots.

  • FredKitten

    Side note- My mr coffee espresso machine exploded. (the 40 dollar one)
    I got a belle instead, It has safety features.

  • Stabbin Robots

    Hey, don’t knock Eve 6… Well, ok, knock them, but that is some catchy shit 🙂

    OOOH I would totally dig sponsorships from Daiya (vegan cheese), Cascades toilet paper (because my butthole is finicky), Acana dog food (if I never had to buy dog food again, I would be so happy), and, yeah, Acer, but we know how they are. Those jerks! 😛

    I look forward all year to April 1st because of your blog 🙂

  • sophie2229

    I’m hoping you actually contacted these companies because some of these links make so much sense. Well played, Epiphora. Well played.

  • I fucking love Eve 6 and I am not ashamed to say that I rock out to them all the goddamn time.

    TOILET PAPER, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT

  • They’ve sent me some mugs, shirts, and other swag to wear around when I go to conferences, but yes, I may put some logos in my sidebar as well.

  • That is a great life goal, right there.

  • Converse needs to up their game design-wise.

  • Oh… my… god…

    THE WAY MY FACE IS PEEKING OUT IS SO CREEPY OH MAN

  • Kitty

    I would be the best sponsorship investment ever for Stouffer’s. I have literally lived nearly a week of of nothing but a family sized lasagna before. And loved it.

  • InquisitiveClam

    I’m so excited because I’ve been a fan of Eve 6 since I was in high school. I love finding out that I have something in common with people I look up to (you know, besides the whole sex toy reviewing thing).

    If I ever become as famous as you are, I’d definitely want some sponsors that would support my cats, too, so I’d try to get Blue Buffalo for their food and the Cat Genie for their litter. For me, I also would definitely need a coffee sponsor. I drink Dunkin Donuts iced coffee almost every day, so they’d have to be included, but I don’t like their whole bean coffee, so I’d need something else to drink at home. I’d choose no other winery than Bully Hill. (If you like pineapple, their Ravat 51 pineapple wine is very sweet and delicious. If I ever attend Catalyst, I’ll certainly have to bring some to share with new friends.)

    As always, a great April Fools’ Day post. I’m sure you tricked some people (unlike LELO’s Dextrus, which I hope we all knew wasn’t real.)

  • Oh man, I can’t believe I didn’t think of cat food or LITTER. What an oversight! Also, pineapple wine, what.

  • nuala macmoragh

    You are my hero! I’m surprised you don’t have nail enamel and whatever you wear as your business socks on here 😉

  • True!

    I don’t really have any socks I particularly love, except the ones Lorax got me recently…

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