There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back.
Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe.
Different company, same exact shape. I had to laugh when I read the “about us” page on Fun Toys’ website, which is the typical origin story of any ~revolutionary~ (not at all) sex toy. It follows the usual formula:
- Twee intro about huck-a-huck life, slathered with no understanding or knowledge of the sex (toy) industry aside from “I have sex sometimes”
- A sentence about how the creator gathered limitless expertise on the sex toy industry by… wait for it… VISITING A SINGLE SEX SHOP (serious R&D is serious)
- Sprinkle on some disdain for the sex toy industry, bemoaning that all toys are horrible, which the creator now knows because he VISITED A SINGLE SEX SHOP
- Exclaim how innovative! revolutionary! unique! this new toy is, it has NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE, EVER (nevermind the Split Dildo, Leaf Vitality, or LELO’s entire Insignia line)
- List the toy’s assets which just happen to be features that many sex toys today have: body-safe materials, rechargeable batteries, cute packaging
- Toss in some bullshit about WOMEN and what women want because women are obvs all the same
That story certainly did not convince me to try the G-Vibe, but then Lorax gave me the idea for this photo of it creeping on the neighbors, at which point I just had to say yes. Other photo ideas included opening a jar with it, putting pressure on the eyelids, and using it as tongs to pick up hot food. Photo options should always be why a reviewer requests a toy, right?
That and masochism. Obviously.
The G-Vibe comes with a white drawstring bag, a USB charging cord, and a manual that is little more than drawings. The prongs are about 3″ insertable and 1″ in diameter each when split, 6″ insertable and 1.35″ in diameter when held together. This toy has 3 buttons (plus, minus, mode) that function exactly like those in the LELO Insignia line. It is not waterproof.
According to the creators, the G-Vibe is so versatile you can use it at least 8 different ways. Sorry, but I’m not going to use it like tweezers on my clit, and the only nipples it would be able to stimulate at the same time would be those of a child. So that leaves me with
still too many a few options: insert the whole shebang, use it vaginally and clitorally simultaneously, or use it vaginally and anally simultaneously.
Using it vaginally and anally was the worst mistake of my life and I never want to talk about it ever again. It fucking poked my ass and I was sore for a whole day afterward.
Entirely inserted vaginally, the G-Vibe thankfully feels nowhere near as awful as the Split Dildo. It’s not as rigid, so it’s not as difficult to insert, it doesn’t inflict pain, and it doesn’t feel like it’s pulling my insides out when I remove it.
But it doesn’t feel good. With both prongs inserted, button side up, it is vaguely pointy. It’s supposed to stimulate my G-spot and my perineal sponge (also called the PS-spot by idiots), but doesn’t do either. If I turn it sideways, it’s more comfortable and provides more of a stretching sensation — but the prongs literally open away from my G-spot, which, no. This toy hits exactly zero spots in my vag. A cardinal sin for a toy which claims it will hit so many spots.
And I keep thinking this is what it would be like to be fingered by Salad Fingers.
The prongs are, according to the inventor, supposed to “spread apart once inside the vagina to create a sensation of fullness without actually stretching the labia.” But a lot of the joy of stretching comes from fullness at the vaginal opening and just inside the vagina. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise, dude who seemingly wants to keep his woman’s labia taut.
I’ll give the G-Vibe one thing: used as a dual vibe, with one prong in my vag and the other against my clit, the clitoral portion makes a lot of sense. The length of the upper prong ensures it will hit most clits and also allows me to thrust a bit. But the internal part feels like nothing, and the vibrations are… unfortunate. They feel okay on lower settings, but the higher you go, the more it feels like a bug zapper.
Therefore, I feel no desire to keep the G-Vibe in my vicinity.
There’s a newer version, the G-Vibe Noir, which is waterproof, more expensive, and has a third motor in the least helpful location. Also, it’s limited edition, because companies should always only produce 10,000 units of upgraded versions of their toys. Totally.