Sep 222014
 

Fun Toys G-Vibe creepin' on the neighborsThere are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back.

Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe.

Different company, same exact shape. I had to laugh when I read the “about us” page on Fun Toys’ website, which is the typical origin story of any ~revolutionary~ (not at all) sex toy. It follows the usual formula:

  • Twee intro about huck-a-huck life, slathered with no understanding or knowledge of the sex (toy) industry aside from “I have sex sometimes”
  • A sentence about how the creator gathered limitless expertise on the sex toy industry by… wait for it… VISITING A SINGLE SEX SHOP (serious R&D is serious)
  • Sprinkle on some disdain for the sex toy industry, bemoaning that all toys are horrible, which the creator now knows because he VISITED A SINGLE SEX SHOP
  • Exclaim how innovative! revolutionary! unique! this new toy is, it has NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE, EVER (nevermind the Split Dildo, Leaf Vitality, or LELO’s entire Insignia line)
  • List the toy’s assets which just happen to be features that many sex toys today have: body-safe materials, rechargeable batteries, cute packaging
  • Toss in some bullshit about WOMEN and what women want because women are obvs all the same
  • Life-changing

That story certainly did not convince me to try the G-Vibe, but then Lorax gave me the idea for this photo of it creeping on the neighbors, at which point I just had to say yes. Other photo ideas included opening a jar with it, putting pressure on the eyelids, and using it as tongs to pick up hot food. Photo options should always be why a reviewer requests a toy, right?

That and masochism. Obviously.

The G-Vibe comes with a white drawstring bag, a USB charging cord, and a manual that is little more than drawings. The prongs are about 3″ insertable and 1″ in diameter each when split, 6″ insertable and 1.35″ in diameter when held together. This toy has 3 buttons (plus, minus, mode) that function exactly like those in the LELO Insignia line. It is not waterproof.

According to the creators, the G-Vibe is so versatile you can use it at least 8 different ways. Sorry, but I’m not going to use it like tweezers on my clit, and the only nipples it would be able to stimulate at the same time would be those of a child. So that leaves me with still too many a few options: insert the whole shebang, use it vaginally and clitorally simultaneously, or use it vaginally and anally simultaneously.

Using it vaginally and anally was the worst mistake of my life and I never want to talk about it ever again. It fucking poked my ass and I was sore for a whole day afterward.

Entirely inserted vaginally, the G-Vibe thankfully feels nowhere near as awful as the Split Dildo. It’s not as rigid, so it’s not as difficult to insert, it doesn’t inflict pain, and it doesn’t feel like it’s pulling my insides out when I remove it.

But it doesn’t feel good. With both prongs inserted, button side up, it is vaguely pointy. It’s supposed to stimulate my G-spot and my perineal sponge (also called the PS-spot by idiots), but doesn’t do either. If I turn it sideways, it’s more comfortable and provides more of a stretching sensation — but the prongs literally open away from my G-spot, which, no. This toy hits exactly zero spots in my vag. A cardinal sin for a toy which claims it will hit so many spots.

And I keep thinking this is what it would be like to be fingered by Salad Fingers.

The prongs are, according to the inventor, supposed to “spread apart once inside the vagina to create a sensation of fullness without actually stretching the labia.” But a lot of the joy of stretching comes from fullness at the vaginal opening and just inside the vagina. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise, dude who seemingly wants to keep his woman’s labia taut.

I’ll give the G-Vibe one thing: used as a dual vibe, with one prong in my vag and the other against my clit, the clitoral portion makes a lot of sense. The length of the upper prong ensures it will hit most clits and also allows me to thrust a bit. But the internal part feels like nothing, and the vibrations are… unfortunate. They feel okay on lower settings, but the higher you go, the more it feels like a bug zapper.

Therefore, I feel no desire to keep the G-Vibe in my vicinity.

There’s a newer version, the G-Vibe Noir, which is waterproof, more expensive, and has a third motor in the least helpful location. Also, it’s limited edition, because companies should always only produce 10,000 units of upgraded versions of their toys. Totally.

There’s a reason the G-Vibe is only available on Amazon.
I’ve heard the Leaf Vitality is good if you want a dual vibe.

  • Hooray for a new review! I’ve missed your sass. This seems like a toy meant for No One. And let’s be honest, photo options are definitely a good reason for requesting a toy to review…so please tell me the tongs photo is really happening!

  • Panther

    eeeeew. And it sort of looks like a deformed duck.

  • T.J.

    I think my dorm floor will have a great many questions about why so much laughter was coming from my room . . .

    Thanks for the funny review! That was a pick-me-up I needed for sure.

  • Jillian Boyd

    “Brighter sensations” what now?

  • Robin

    Why do these designers keep thinking we would like toys akin to a speculum?

  • Robin

    Oh, sorry, a speculum that doesn’t stretch the labia. Because that’s such a big distinction.

  • Lol, I always balk at having the Leaf Vitality included with the likes of these toys, as the Vitality isn’t marketed as a split-dildo/vibe, but as a rabbit-style vibe (and it feels fucking great; one of the only rabbit vibes that’s ever really worked for me, probably because it’s so flexible).

    It makes me feel better knowing that Leaf isn’t actually trying to sell the idea of shoving both ends of a silicone speculum inside you.

  • You just need to Photoshop the Eye of Sauron between the prongs now, and have that gaze out the window at your neighbours.

    If you ever find yourself struck with unbearable fatigue whilst reviewing, then you could also hold the thing upright on your desk and use it as a chin rest.

  • Spider Domme

    Hey G-Vibe – Two headed dildo: ur doin it wrong

  • This is true, and I’m glad the Vitality isn’t marketed that way because I doubt it would be any good that way. As a rabbit, I can see how it would be good for sure!

  • It would be SO unpleasant as a split dildo. The leaves aren’t super slender, but bulbous and I just… no…

  • objetsdeplaisir

    “This is what it would be like to be fingered by Salad Fingers.”
    Oh my god. This image will haunt me… One of these things sleeps in my sex toys cupboard.
    I reviewed the G-Vibe last year (in France, several stores sell it), and although in the end I didn’t hate it as a dual vibrator, after receiving it, it took me several months to find the motivation to try it, because of the annoying user manual…

  • Rosie

    Whenever I see toys like this, and I saw a bunch at Sexpo earlier this year, I always think they got inspiration from a speculum or something.

  • Whitney M

    I think the key question here is whether the packaging as revolutionary as the website has lead me to believe. Did opening the box ACTUALLY make you orgasm?

  • Sarah

    So, on their about page, there’s a clearly possessed man with what looks to be a giant bunny tail atop his head, and his little tongue is sticking out.

    …never sleeping again.

  • Yes.

  • Stephanie R.

    I don’t think dildos stretch the labia in the first place, though…? At least not for me. If you want to get technical, they only stretch the hymen and the vestibule.
    Having said that, I can appreciate a toy that has more girth at the G spot, since the opening of my vagina is more sensitive to pain from stretching, but it’s done better with the Jollies Jollet or the Nox from Bad Dragon, for example.

  • What, you don’t want to masturbate now?

  • Maybe the inner labia, but yeah, I’d think it would be minimal… and temporary.

  • Katie

    Salad Fingers and sex toys do not belong anywhere near each other. Just… NOPE.

    Oh, and screw you for making me associate the two. Nothing ruins a good jill-off session like Salad Fingers’ voice saying “I like it when the red water comes out.”

  • Hahahaha. Oh my god, I know. But the real question is, is this more tolerable or less tolerable than the time I ruined masturbation by linking to the Bro-oche?

  • Katie

    What. The. Hell. Did. I. Just. Watch.

  • Rin

    No one needs to be Salad Finger’d. Nobody.

  • Rin

    Apparently, many moons ago, there was a semi-popular notion that women attained sexual pleasure from speculums, and a lot of doctors didn’t like to use them for this reason. But, of course, this was also back when rubbing a lady’s clit to “hysterical paroxysm” was seen as a perfectly legitimate and extremely unsexy medical procedure.

    So the lesson is: sex toy designers need to stop getting their ideas from medical journals written in the late 1800’s.

  • Your enemies?

  • Stabbin Robots

    Oh God. Salad Fingers.

    I’ve been to plenty of shitty sex shops and seen plenty of shitty toys and never once has the idea come into my head that I’m entitled to rip off other designs and mash them into one sub-par toy. Call me crazy.

  • Rin

    Point. Also mansplainers. Some of them could do with a good salad-tossing.

  • I think my key requirement for any potentially insertable sex toy is that I need to look at it and not wince in anticipatory agony. This toy fails this test, even without the salad fingers mental image which is now in my head and ARGH GET OUT OF MY HEAD SALAD FINGERS.

  • Coley Dains

    OMG at the Salad Fingers. You made an already unappealing toy sound unusable

  • JD

    where, oh where is the common-fucking-sense! I’m a toy designer and I can’t believe that some idiot spent money producing this thing!

  • FieryRed

    Yes, yes, YES. That is what I came here to comment on. He is about as sexy as Salad Fingers. Actually, Salad Fingers is sexier. (God, hadn’t thought of SF in AGES.)

  • FieryRed

    Ah gahhhhd. The About Us page is… And then it says toward the end that this is a “bespoke sex-toy.” I don’t think that word means what they think it means. Makes me think of the Vibratex Tulip and its “custom-designed petals.”

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