Wipe the stars from your eyes. Dash your dreams. Give up all hope. It sounds perfect on paper: a beautiful marrying of motion and vibration. A self-thrusting shaft and a vibrating clitoral stimulator all in one sex toy, from the company that brought us the truly innovative and actually life-altering Stronic Eins. I was optimistic, believe me, just like you. But oh my god, the Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion is a deeply disappointing sex toy. Its insertable portion is flawless — that’s the hard truth — but its clitoral portion is absolutely unforgivable. Terrible aim, dismal vibrations. We have here an ingenious thing wrecked by an ill-fated modification, like dill pickle soup made with too much pickle juice, or Facebook now that your racist relatives are allowed to . . . read more

Me + Sandra from SheVibe + a hotel room with vulvaesque wallpaper + a phone camera + wine = this rollicking good time of a video! Easily, one of the highlights of Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit this year was spending time with Sandra, Thor, and Alex from SheVibe. I’ve hung out with them before at conferences past, but this time I was reminded once again why we are a match made in sex toy heaven. How, I wondered, could I convey their in-person awesomeness to all of you? That’s when I decided to corral Sandra into my room for a live Periscope video chat. Answering questions from each other and the audience, we spent an hour talking about dream vibrators, vulva kayaks, our shared love of . . . read more

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.] February 11, 2015 META JACK-OFF JOURNAL. After spending all day finishing Jack-off Journal #18, I gave it to Aerie to read in the other room and thrust myself into my office for two quick orgasms with the Hitachi, which I desperately needed after a day of nonchalantly skipping through porn files and editing screenshots. February 28, 2015 Please, god, let this be the last time my vagina experiences the Afterglow and its laser light “technology.” Let this rabbit-infested masturbation nightmare end. Determined to definitively disprove the veracity of the “PulseWave O” program (an 8-minute “journey designed to enhance arousal and help you achieve better and more frequent orgasms”), I endured it . . . read more

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here. Since rabbits fit everyone so differently, I’m wondering if you could tell me how far your clit is from your vaginal opening? OKAY, WORLD, I DID IT. In a relaxed non-aroused state, with my legs spread wide while sitting on the floor and awkwardly juggling a mirror, the distance between the very bottom of my vaginal opening (seemed like the clearest end point…) and my clit is between 2″ and 2.25″. Do with that what you will. My measuring tape needs a bath now. You say the Mona 2 is fully submersible. Is that even if the tab that plugs the charging port is open? . . . read more

I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars, and this is not what a good sex toy is. Not even close. Not even in the same hemisphere. (Tegan & Sara, if you’re reading this, I will personally buy each of you a Pure Wand to make up for this travesty.) It’s a gimmick: the Afterglow stimulates with vibration and light energy. That’s as simply as I can put it. If you want to thoroughly roll your eyes, here’s a video about the “science,” but the bottom line is, light energy. As in lasers. As in immeasurable. Therein lies the scam: this is nothing more than a mediocre, overpriced rabbit vibrator invented by a . . . read more

OhMiBod is commonly known as the sex toy company that makes music– and app-responsive vibrators, but their Lovelife line is a departure, and a valiant effort. It’s a line of less expensive rechargeable toys that do not care whether you’re blasting Meatloaf. Usually, for a rechargeable vibrator, you’ll spend at least $90, and up to $200 depending on size, functionality, and arrogance of the brand. In the Lovelife line, you can get a rechargeable vibe for as low as $59. Which is not to say that you should — each toy falls in a very different place on the scale of “trash” to “treasure.” There are seven toys in the Lovelife line, all named after the things that OhMiBod co-founders Suki and Brian believe are important to a . . . read more

There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back. Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe. Different company, same exact shape. I had to laugh when I read the “about us” page on Fun Toys’ website, which is the typical origin story of any ~revolutionary~ (not at all) sex toy. It follows the usual formula: Twee intro about huck-a-huck life, slathered with no understanding or knowledge of the sex (toy) industry aside from “I have sex sometimes” A sentence about how the creator gathered limitless expertise on the sex toy industry by… wait for . . . read more

The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and treat incontinence. When product testers began experiencing an “unexpected” side effect — intense orgasms — the medical peeps contacted Jopen. Jopen knew just how to turn the thing into a true blue sex toy: they stuck a clit stimulator on it. And kept its original color of pukey pink-purple, because we all know women won’t touch anything outside of those shades. So the toy was released, Jopen started throwing out phrases like “game-changer,” sex bloggers gawked at the toy’s hideousness, Jopen released a weird-ass video testimonial starring your friend’s mom who drank too much peppermint . . . read more

The world of luxury1 rabbit vibes is not an expansive one. Fun Factory has some with varying degrees of success; Cal Exotics is trying really hard with a bazillion styles in their Jopen line; once in a while some moron will release one with dubious “technology” in it. But generally, when someone wants a luxury toy, they think of LELO. The LELO Soraya is sort-of like a mash-up between the LELO Ina and the LELO Isla, two vibrators which caused me immense pain and immense indifference, respectively. I am pleased to report that the Soraya does not cause me any pain, but… I do feel pretty indifferent toward it. Like, I’m mildly pleased with it, but that’s as far as I’ll go. The . . . read more