You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an insufferable year and a half of HEX HEX HI HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR HEX, this is what they released. This is the cool new thing. And as per LELO protocol, boy do they want you to think it’s special and revolutionary and entirely their own idea, not at all influenced by the bevy of air flow clit stimulators that have flooded the market in recent years. LELO calls the Sona a “sonic massager,” claiming that the toy uses “sonic waves and pulses” rather than vibration. What does this mean in reality? Well, if you peer into the Sona’s nozzle, you . . . read more

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more

Unreliable. That’s the word I’d use to describe the LELO Smart Wands. Not an adjective you want applied to any vibrator, but especially not an expensive one in a category of toy which is relied upon for quick, effortless orgasms. These so-called “Smart” Wands… are pretty dumb. You can’t tell from that artsy-ass photo I took, but the medium Smart Wand is about half the size of the large one, at 9″ long and 1.7″ in diameter at the head, versus the large’s 12″ and 2.4″. The large comes in the most enormous LELO box I’ve ever seen. Both come with storage bags, but the medium gets the usual satin, while the large gets an odd neoprene that reminds me of knee pads. Because . . . read more

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now. Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived. Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of . . . read more

[Update: I reviewed it. The prognosis is bad.] So I have this in my possession: And yes, that is exactly what it does. It swivels and swivels and swivels. It never stops. There is actually no way to turn off the rotation. (I mean, unless you count turning the toy off entirely.) I’ve been trying to get some last-minute testing in before CatalystCon, but it’s been hard to find time. And a willing penis. Because the idea is that a penis can fit in my vagina alongside this thing. You know, while making love. So my thoughts on this strange new device will have to wait until after I get back. For now, I invite you to take bets on my . . . read more

[Check out my April Fool’s Day review of my tiny dildos!] I think I can call this a legit collection now. Back in April, after jealously ogling everyone’s photos of the mini Tantus dildos at Momentum Con, the lovely Jenna sent me a few in various colors. They are mini Goliaths, and I adore them. I set them up on my shelf all in a row, and threw that ridic PicoBong die up there, too, because what else was I gonna do with it? Then when I saw Searah at Early to Bed talking about Fleshlight samples and Vixen Creations penises the other day, I saw an opportunity to expand my collection of weird tiny sex toy thing-a-majigs. I made an order for some Sliquid Sea . . . read more

[Thankfully, the Lyla is now in its second generation: Lyla 2. LELO also makes the rotating Hula Beads.] Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in the vagina and fun on the town (bars! concerts! wherever sexy people go!). Every single other wireless egg ever created has been a horrible failure. But in the capable hands of a high-end company like LELO — makers of the lovely Siri, Luna Beads, and Ella — I expected, at the very least, for it to work as intended. Not for it to only work when the remote was pointed directly at my vulva like a goddamn TV remote. On the upside, . . . read more

The world of luxury rabbit vibes is not an expansive one. Fun Factory has some with varying degrees of success; Cal Exotics is trying really hard with a bazillion styles in their Jopen line; once in a while some moron will release one with dubious “technology” in it. But generally, when someone wants a luxury toy, they think of LELO. The LELO Soraya is sort-of like a mash-up between the LELO Ina and the LELO Isla, two vibrators which caused me immense pain and immense indifference, respectively. I am pleased to report that the Soraya does not cause me any pain, but… I do feel pretty indifferent toward it. Like, I’m mildly pleased with it, but that’s as far as I’ll go. The . . . read more