Apr 012015
 

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.]

Vibratex Princessa rechargeable clitoral vibratorIn the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments.

But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review.

I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while.

For this video review, I tried the Vibratex Princessa, from The Girls line. BEHOLD THE VIDEO I HAVE CREATED, complete with ridiculously catchy theme song by my boyfriend (it will get stuck in your head), cameos from my girlfriend and cat, and much more!

Vibratex is known for game-changing sex toys such as the Hitachi Magic Wand, Rabbit Habit, and Mystic Wand, but they’d barely released any rechargeable vibrators before unleashing The Girls. The toys in the line are only $75 each — if they were good, I needed to know.

I had no idea how far away from good this toy could veer. The Vibratex Princessa: for people who love pink and hate orgasms.

Big thanks to SheVibe for sending me this toy!

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    This was hilarious and adorable and your curls fill me with envy. And Chowder looked just as unimpressed as you!

    I think my face was the perfect human rendition of the D: emoticon as you read that manual. Holy shit that’s bad.

  • Oh man; I love the video – the intro is amazing!

    Did your BF ever find the Pistachios?

  • He’s still looking to this day.

  • vulgarvag

    Congrats on your first video review! I like how it started to spiral into (drunken?) chaos at the end. Also the random request for pistachios was hilarious. Gotta love that pink vision.

  • Stephanie R.

    If Tim and Eric reviewed sex toys…

  • I’m trying to count how many late 90’s video transition moves got used. I’m still cry-laughing over the voice changes. I can’t even with this.

    Is this thing less powerful than The Cupcake??

  • IT IS LESS POWERFUL THAN ALMOST EVERYTHING I’VE EVER REVIEWED

  • Kiki =^● ⋏ ●^=

    Ah but what you neglected to mention is how would Chowder rate it on a scale of one to catnip, you do know that All Women want their vibrators to be cat compatible.

  • I can’t ever review this then. Cupcake is ranked a 1 on my scale. I would have to rework my entire vibrations comparison scale.

  • Teal

    So that’s why you’ve been talking about video reviews on Twitter. I loved every second of this one, esp. the special effects sampler crescendo toward the end. Not gonna lie, I really do want the Princessa just for the joy of having an aggressively pink crown-flower-egg to display.

    P.S.: Our cats could be twins.

  • Jillian Boyd

    I love how it all went a bit Too Many Cooks in the end – Chower is an excellent stunt cat, btw.

  • T.J.

    I’m trying to decide if this is an April Fools thing or not. I sort of hope it is, but hey, at least it made me laugh!

  • Lunabelle

    The theme song is my favorite thing. And the dramatic reading from the manual. And the corresponding rate of increase in wine consumption/special effects. And the cat cameos. And the random quest for pistachios. So, yeah…pretty much loved the whole shebang!

  • Lexi

    YOU AND AERIE ARE BOTH SO CUTE. So is Chowder. And those cat paintings in the intro? Amazing. ;P

    I still can’t work out if it’s an April Fools Day thing or not, but this was completely perfect either way.

  • Beth Dawsey

    So turns out ive been pronouncing your username wrong (epiphora) this WHOLE time. thank u for the clarification. And please consider making more vidio reviews =)

  • monkey

    This video is GENIUS.
    I’m seriously keeping my fingers crossed that you’ll make more. Like, a lot more.

    I
    was wondering though, which way of sharing it would be better – do you
    prefer people to link to your blog or directly to the youtube video?
    Does it make any difference? I’d like to support you somehow and
    views=ads=profit, but I have no idea which way works better for you.

    PS – it took me half of the video to realize that this toy is actually ON in some (most???) of the shots. Even in liquids. Jeez.

  • Jace

    I’m freaking out, you’re so freaking cute oh my gosh. And your girlfriend. I want her hair dye pls cause wow it looks awesome and I’m jelly. And your jab at Girls was fantastic. This video made me love you even more. Okay, I’m gonna stop gushing about you cause I already look weird.

    Also, I’m endlessly amused at your cat’s face towards the toy. As if even they know it’s bad.

  • My hair dye is Manic Panic Amplified “Green Envy”! It rocks.

  • Thank you for asking! I think sharing this post would be ideal since it has so much more to explore after someone is inevitably charmed by my “clever” jokes.

  • Oh my. This just kept getting more and more hilarious – I am glad this toy exists, if only for you to have made this video. It got very ‘Too Many Cooks’ and that just made it better.

    (Also, Chowder is awesome.)

    xx Dee

  • I was thinking of starting to review toys on my sex ed channel, but now that the GREATEST VIDEO REVIEW OF ALL TIME exists, what’s even the point?

    That intro. Those effects. The all-important question (“where are the pistachios?”). 10/10, absolute perfection.

  • women love best friends

  • and shitty vibrators!

  • B bear

    I loved that video. Chowder has the best markings, he has a cherub-butt imprint on his lower back. Oh, and I remembered that I need to put wine on the grocery list. I will not buy any “Girls.” Thanks Epiphora.

  • Quick question, will you be including a transcript by chance?

  • Leen

    This was delightful across the board. Great song, great hair (you, Aerie, and adorable kitty), very sassy while being informative review. I’m looking forward to more video reviews!

  • There are closed captions on YouTube, but if you want the transcript I can email it to you!

  • no worries! I can watch it with the captions! Thank you 🙂

  • AnotherKibbit

    Oh no, Piph, I was not prepared for you to be this adorable I just wasn’t. You’re snarky and competent and incredibly funny and also cute??? Really not prepared. Also Aerie is completely adorable and has rockin’ hair.

  • Sawyer

    I loved this review, but I do have a question: for future video reviews, would it be possible to have a transcript as well? I have serious trouble focusing on videos a lot of the time and I don’t want to miss any of your stuff 🙁

  • There are closed captions on YouTube, or I can email you the transcript directly.

  • sue

    Yay! Congrats on the new video review =) !!! Thanks for adding this format to your reviews as it’s VERY VERY helpful. Much better for aiding in the determination of the vibration pattern/strength and overall size of the items (especially if one is new to buying sex toys). I’m looking forward to other video reviews to come.

    P.s You were right the song is stuck in my head XD

  • Dani Jones

    omg, this was great.

  • MissX

    You seriously made my day. Thank you! Can’t wait to see what else you’ll come up with!

  • Dannicula

    OK FIRST OF ALL I have to commend you and the boyfriend on the intro. That was magical.

    Then I need to ask you to tell me about that multi-USB charger because I need it like burning.

    Then I really need to tell you that this toy gives me the creeps.

  • YES, it is a WONDERFUL thing! This is it and the best part are those two ports that flip up; they’re perfect for self-contained USB rechargeable toys like the LELO Mia.

  • sophie2229

    I was sure a review with the title “princessa” was going to be an April Fools Day joke! But I’m thrilled that we got a video review instead. – sophie2229 (I forgot my password because it’s been a billion years since I’ve used it and am too lazy to look it up)

  • Pegasister42

    I wish I could send a message to all the sex toy makers saying “SEX TOYS ARE FOR ANATOMY, NOT FOR GENDER.” If it goes on your bits, and not in your brain where the gender stuff goes down, there’s no need to associate the two. As a female gender fluid person who varies from “girl” to genderqueer, it’s a little weird to think that sometimes toys are for me, and sometimes they’re not. You know what doesn’t stick me with a gender? My Wahl. I will turn to it for consolation. And orgasms.

  • Pegasister42

    Also the Seche Vite topcoat may be the best thing that’s ever happened to me and my manicures. Thank you.

  • Person

    OMG Piph you have beauteous hair PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU USE ON IT

  • Toy mimics the sound of Satan’s alarm clock except louder, buzzier, and more shrill.

    I’m actually dying of laughter right now.

  • Dannicula

    Zod bless you~

  • Yes! Isn’t it just THE BEST?

  • Dannicula

    I found it a few years ago and it’s a serious game changer for impatient people like me who still want lovely nails.

  • Special secret that I only just figured out like 2 years ago in my life with curly hair: it’s not what you use in it, it’s about scrunching out the crunch. I use regular Garnier hair gel and scrunch it when I put it in… then I let it dry as much as possible and scrunch the crunch out.

    Problem with this: it looks crunchy for hours. Solution: I don’t do it unless I’m trying to be really fancy.

  • Till

    Cool! Your girlfriend got Bonanza. I love this game!

    Great review though!

  • snarky drunk sex toy video reviews are definitely a thing that should be a more often thing.

  • e11en

    Love it! More videos please!

    Seriously though, e-PIPH-ora? I always thought it was EPI-phora, like Epi-pen or Epi-lady. I am so confused now.

  • The toy is such a joke that anything more would have been redundant.

  • I am constantly badgering to play Bohnanza. Also, I got them an expansion for Christmas.

  • I mean, I go by Piph sometimes… that should’ve been a hint…

    Seriously, though, my name is an actual word and that word is pronounced e-PIPH-ora. I even put a link to the pronunciation on the top of my FAQ page. So many people get it wrong, but I refuse to be swayed!

  • I fucking LOVE Tim & Eric.

  • He’d give it a 2, but only because his baseline level of blissful ignorance skews his feelings inherently.

  • Jayme

    I love the video Epiphora- and you are the awesomest! I giggled my ass right off! Oh Vibratex, you poor dears. I don’t know whether to laugh or.. uh, laugh harder. I already have a “bestie”, and his name is Eroscillator. That’s “Prince” Eroscillator to you Vibratex peons! And let’s not forget his fab cousin, Her Majesty Queen Mona the Second. Thanks but no thanks Princessa, to you and all your “girls”. I’m surprised they didn’t name one “Barbie”- they all match her car. And her Dream House. And everything she owns. She would probably love this thing.

  • A. Love the videos 😀
    B. Funny story about the Bestie (or as I like to call it “The Worstie”). At my old job, my coworkers and I had a contest to see how long we could hold it on our nose before we wanted to die. I think I won. It was, like, 15 seconds.

  • THE WORSTIE, oh my god, YES.

  • “If you like being friendzoned.” Oh my god, this was delightful. I’m so glad you started video reviews! Watching was just as delightful as reading and you did such a great job. PLUS, HI AERIE!

  • sallyforth

    “Am I having an orgasm right now?” is NOT the sort of question one should need ask when using a vibrator, God help us.

    The Princessa kept reminding me of something and finally I worked out what it is. The Queen Mom from the sea monkey ads that appeared in comic books of yesteryear! So many kids of my generation wasted their allowance on these things; sadly, they turned out to be brine shrimp. Here, take a peek:

    http://www.toptenz.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/sea-monkeys.jpg

    P.S. Your bon mots should be immortalized on Etsy buttons, it would allow us Epiphora fans to recognize each other instantly IRL. For example, “A tiny gourd stuffed with bees” is one I’d wear with pride!

  • chemister

    I adored the fact that you made it stand on jell-o. It waz simply amazing!!!! and the review had he desired effect: i laughed like a maniac!

  • Zoe

    LOL. “Girl” is a young human female. “Genderqueer” is misogynist nonsense. Every female is genderqueer, because gender is a hierarchy that hurts females. I wish women would stop promoting Queer Theory tripe.

  • Tmcaurinus

    I love you even more now. But not in a creepy, stalker-y way.

    And now I want wine.

  • wub

    Hilarious! Also, adorable pussycat, walking around, doing cat things!

    I didn’t know anything about vlogging, but watching this randomly change exposure, colour casting, and audio style, was weirdly interesting. At least I know how not to do it now!

  • tenzen

    I was cracking up once things started to go uncanny and weird!

  • Kayla Yackamouih

    This review continues to have me laughing. Whenever I need a good cheer up this is it.

  • Travis Quigg

    I wander what these companies thought when making this?

  • The Darling Kinkshamer

    who was the pistachio guy, lol? your girlfriend is adorable

  • My boyfriend 🙂

  • EB

    IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED EH-PEE-FOR-AH???

  • V Ever

    I could watch you doing snark, wine laden reviews all day. I usually get put off by video reviewers, but you are a lot of fun to watch. I’m well aware this is an old entry, but it’s hilarious and I only just found you.

  • Aww, that’s so awesome of you to say!

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