My clit is a pretty sensitive creature. You’re going to need to know this going in. Take notes for the final test. When I haven’t had an orgasm yet, I can usually come during one of the lower settings of a vibrator — generally speaking, with good vibrators. I’ve been known to “just get the first orgasm out of the way” during my masturbation sessions; I’ve accepted that I come quickly at the beginning, so I figure, why fight it? The We-Vibe Gala doesn’t even get me there. Even when it’s my first toy of the night. When I haven’t come yet. When I’m watching pretty boys blow each other in a fort or fuck passionately by an outdoor fireplace. It . . . read more

Blink and you might pass right over them. They’re not terribly attractive, not revolutionary in function, not aggressively marketed. These vibrators have no celebrity endorsement or PR campaign behind them, and I’d bet serious money they’ve never been mentioned in any mainstream magazine. You can judge a lot about a sex toy without holding it in your hands, but there’s one thing you can’t predict, and it’s the thing that matters most: vibration quality. This is where the Smooth Operators pleasantly surprised me. The Toyfriend Smooth Operators — Snazzy, Choosy, and Classy — are made by a company named Tickler, and again, you could be forgiven for not knowing they even exist. The Swedish brand tends to lay pretty low . . . read more

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older lists!] 2016 has been a trying, infuriating, exhausting year, and it seems trivial to jump straight to sex toys without acknowledging that. But this is also a year in which we’ve needed to learn how to remain resolute amidst unbelievable pain. To laugh at the absurdity of our world. And if you want absurdity, oh, look no further than my life. This was my ninth year reviewing sex toys for all the internet to see. This year, among other things, I perverted a soap dispenser into a lube dispenser, let other people control my vibrator over the internet, and played vaginal Chubby Bunny with tiny silicone dildos. I cycled through 12 different butt plugs in . . . read more

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.] In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments. But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review. I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while. For this video review, I . . . read more

If you like pushing around the skin on a wrinkly dog, you will love touching the Tenga Iroha vibrators. They feel spongy, like marshmallows, with enough give on the outer layer that you can push it around like dog skin. They’re really addicting to touch, but that criteria would only matter if I were reviewing a set of stress balls. These are sex toys, and as sex toys, they perform adequately. I’d give them a passing grade, maybe a C+ or B-. But I’d also give them some stern suggestions for improvement and hope that they try harder next time. The Iroha line is Tenga’s first attempt at making vibrators; they’ve always only made toys for penises. These vibes are unique because the outer layer is . . . read more

The Vibratex Tulip is really bizarre. It looks like a rocket ship puking a flower, like some combination of a character from David Lanham’s work and a beast from the Oddworld games. Figuring it would fit right in, I decided to photograph it among my old Littlest Pet Shop toys. I’m not easily swayed by sex toy reviews since I witness so many of them that I consider dead wrong, but my amiga at Marvelous Darling said of the Tulip: “If you have a clitoris, you need this vibrator.” Welp, I hope you will still love me, Sarah, but I do not completely agree. I can see why one might say that about this toy, as it is very uniquely shaped, but . . . read more

I can now say that I own a vibrator engraved with my name. Or, I should say, engraved with the epic sequence of words Exclusively for Epiphora. I didn’t choose that phrase — my brain is nowhere near that swanky — but I like it. And they spelled my name right, which is more than I can say for people who still think I’m “Euphoria.” Unfortunately, I now worry about what this vibrator, exclusively for me and permanently marked to prove it, would do if I tried to give it away. Stage its own personal electromagnetic pulse in revolt? Commit suicide by jumping out the window and into the street? I have to think about these things, because I do not see myself . . . read more

My standards for the Toyfriends were laughably low. I reviewed their predecessors, the Ticklers, and was astonished by with their lack of power. Although the Toyfriends are bigger and take AAA batteries rather than Ns, I was very skeptical. There are four different Toyfriends: Coney (black), Bubbly (pink), Nosy (yellow), and Seti (blue). And yes, Seti is named after the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence — the manual even says so! Each toy is 7-8″ long and comes with a clear plastic stand and batteries. Each toy takes 2 AAA batteries, inserted into the base side-by-side. The silicone on the Toyfriends is very silky to the touch. The shafts are completely rigid, and the heads don’t have much give (the necks bend, . . . read more

[Note: I no longer recommend the Form 2. Read why here. I much prefer the Rabbit Bullet, Snazzy, or Volta.] It’s the tweezers! The tooth! The chopsticks! Or… the rabbit ears, if you want to be boring. It’s the Jimmyjane Form 2, a two-pronged pipsqueak that I’ve lusted after for a while now. Yes, I finally got my grubby hands on it, and I must say — this is definitely a unique toy. So unique, yes, that it may almost be worth its $145 price tag. I’ll give you a hint: dual motors. Per Jimmyjane’s standard, the Form 2 comes in a classy box, and features the slogan “Sensation in Stereo.” Remember this, students; it will come into play later. The Form . . . read more