Jul 102015
 

Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina is drying up. The color is draining from your genital region. Your husband is weeping. Your dinner is burning. Your life is a farce.

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

Enter the Lowe Aurora, a sex toy providing “low-level laser treatment” for your genitals. For your “health.” Of course. More like a massive laser pointer created solely to make you feel bad about your vulva. It’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys?

The female genitals are subject to the passage of time like the rest of the body. The labia loses its turgidity due to reduced elasticity and the colour loses intensity due to alteration of the superficial vascularization and it becomes increasingly dry.

. . . Thanks to the aesthetic treatment it will allow you to forget the passing of the years, rejuvenating the sexual organ and increasing lubrication. Aurora will not show benefits only on the beauty of body but it will ensure better functionality to the vagina.

Damnit, I wanted to watch the video of my 16th birthday party, but I just can’t look at younger me anymore without thinking about my deteriorating vulva! If only she’d known then what I know now! If only she hated herself more!

Just to drill the idea home, another part of their site helpfully reminds us that “from about the age of twenty genital organ begins slow changing process.” Because yes, I should always strive to preserve the same vulva I had when I wore sticky vinyl pants from Hot Topic, spent my time crafting the perfect away message, and constantly used the retort “your mom goes to college.”

I literally have never in my life thought about my labia needing to be “rosy” and “firm.” I’m pretty sure my labia were never “rosy” or “firm.” I’m pretty sure that’s pretty racist. This is what I imagine when I hear about labia being “rosy” and “firm”:

I had to actually hunt for a pocket pussy that had labia as "firm" as this

And regarding the “dry” comment, how about we just use lube, because that’s literally why it exists? How about we stop using the word “functionality,” as if vulvas are motorcycles that we must keep in working order for their cocky male owners? How about we just love our bodies, because that’s what we deserve?

Christ. I thought the faux technology of the Afterglow was bad, but at least that toy combined its useless lasers with vibrations. The Aurora doesn’t. even. fucking. vibrate. AND IT COSTS $850.

For that kind of money, you could buy a veritable bouquet of lifechanging sex toys. Or, you could just cross your fingers and fruitlessly shoot laser beams at your vulva.

You know Lowe’s website was tailor made for “women” because it includes photos of the Aurora next to wine, candles, flowers, make-up, and not-at-all-suggestive clocks. There’s even a “wedding” section which offers color palette inspiration and encourages you to buy the Aurora for a bride-to-be. Because nothing says “your vulva will become a saggy, wrinkly mess in no time and your husband will leave you” like a laser therapy sex toy!

Even better: Lowe’s blog mixes sex education articles (“Sex in the water, is it safe?”) with recipes for “mini cheesecakes” and “asparagus with cupid sauce” (which sounds like a gag-inducing euphemism for jizz). One ominous post title reminds us, in what I imagine to be a creepy whisper, “time is passing… even in intimacy.”

This is some top notch blogging. Here are some more blog post ideas for you, Lowe, free of charge:

  • The Perfect Cake to Bake While Sulking About Your Vaginal Elasticity
  • Why You’ll Only Get the Wedding of Your Dreams If Your Labia are Perky and the Exact Right Shade of Pink
  • 5 Meals to Cook For Your Husband To Make Up For Your Barely-Passable Vulva

What I hate even more than the “your vulva is ugly” bullshit is the way this toy is marketed as a self-love device. “Aurora is an accessory that is wholly dedicated to the woman,” the site explains. “Enjoy yourself. Just for the pleasure of it.”

Wholly dedicated to the woman. Yeah. As if we can’t see right through that shit. As if we’re going to enjoy ourselves while laser beaming our vulvas to make them more socially acceptable.

It reminds me of every Dove campaign ever made. So disingenuous, so obviously false. None of us are born hating our vulvas. Society does that for us. Lowe stands to profit from telling people they are broken — and no amount of staged photos or delicious recipes will cover that up.

  • Mary Q. Contrary

    FUCK. YES. Had my 15-yr-old son read this for a valuable, teachable moment about beauty standards and respect. Also, using the laser pointer with the cat just got more hilarious.

  • Dannicula

    WHAT?! YOU MEAN YOU WEREN’T BORN WITH A POCKET-PUSSY BETWEEN YOUR LEGS? And they totally forgot to address that horrid smell and loss of ~daintiness.

    What a joke this thing is. What. A. Joke. You’re right, at least the Afterglow pretended to want to help while you have fun. This is just garbage. Woman-hating, dumbass garbage. Why not create something that heals the scar-tissue after an unnecessary episiotomy, or at this rate, try to cure motherfucking vulvodynia? No. Between hot flashes, grey hair, and extra body fat, you have to also hate your life because your vulva is not like it was 20 years ago.

    I weep.

  • FieryRed

    Welp, I’m 40. I guess I should ignore the fact that I continue to have many awesome orgasms and believe this shitty company that says my vulva isn’t “functional.” And clearly my partner is lying when she says how attractive she thinks it is, despite the fact that it doesn’t look the same as it did at 20.

    My goddess, what a horrible website and product and marketing theme.

  • Dannicula

    Your vulva cracks and disintegrates and becomes dry-but-gooey primordial ooze once that clock strikes 12 on your 40th birthday. FACT.

  • FieryRed

    Oh, oh, like the bottom of a lake when all the water dries up! Shit, I’d better borrow from all my friends so I can spend NEARLY A THOUSAND DOLLARS on fixing it!!

  • Dannicula

    In a few million years, they might find dinosaurs in it.

  • FieryRed

    Hmmm…now I want a dinosaur-shaped dildo.

  • Dannicula

    Let’s indiegogo this mofo! I want one based on a raptor claw… for… uh…science.

  • FieryRed

    The slogan can be, “Your tar pit needs a fossil.” Wait – “Put our fossil in your ancient tar pit.”

  • FieryRed

    HAHA! And did you guys notice the results of their “study” done by an “external medical specialist” (whatever the fuck that is)? The placebo group had almost the same results.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Men in the sex toy industry must be stopped.

  • Holy monkeys! That’s … that’s pretty fucking appalling. The only thing more appalling and that some poor sods will believe they need it 🙁

    Thanks for making me laugh though, Piph!

    xx Dee

  • Can I upvote this every day for the rest of time?

  • Really? I hadn’t noticed. But it has been awhile since I looked down there.

  • I didn’t realize you were 40. Well, it’s nice to meet another member of the floppy, arid, worn out vagina club.

  • Hey don’t forget that “having a natural birth beats the shit out of women’s vagina” according to After glow, so I’m only 26 with a beat up vagina. http://propertyofpotter.com/review-afterglow/

  • Artemisia Absinthium

    I hate everything about this. Like, literally every single goddamn thing. It is causing me to make this face D:

    Also, when I was 20 I thought my g-spot was broken/somehow non responsive, because I didn’t have mind-blowing multiple orgasms from poking it with an awkwardly shaped plastic vibrator from Spencer’s. I have zero interest in going back to that, thanks anyway. I do wish I still had my old vinyl pants, though.

    ETA: Also, except for the obvious labia-hating nonsense, pretty much everything they claim this stupid thing does can be achieved by doing kegels. And doing kegels definitely does not cost $850.

  • Because I told you I would, my infomercial for the Aurora:

    “I don’t know what to do about my saggy vagiiina!!”

    “Hi I’m Wink Winkerson and if you’re like me you’re tired of sex toys that just offer meaningless female ‘pleasure’ without getting anything done! Now we have the Aurora that will fix your disgusting junk so someone can love you again!”

  • AceDenise

    I wonder if this can be combined with Afterglow asshat Dr Zipper’s labiaplasty procedure for a discount? Because I am over 40 and obviously my floppy vagina and labia NEED this. I have never had children but I am old and I should be ashamed, walking around with my not-pink-or-perky-enough vulva! How DARE I?

    Whoever invented this thing is a dickhead as well as a thief and I never want to meet him, You know it MUST be a man, who is probably afraid of/has serious issues with natural female body parts. You never hear about this kind of crap for penises- gee, I can’t imagine why!

  • Marianne Davis

    OMG…funny!

    For $850 (plus 6.25% sales tax in my state) I could “… fruitlessly shoot laser beams at your vulva.”

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    I have been raking my brain trying to figure out what this abomination reminds me of and I finally got it: it looks like the bottom end of my nail polish corrector pen, minus the spare tips.

    I’d rather stick that inside me than this shit.

  • Khaat

    I don’t know about “men” in general – how about “stupid men who think they know more than women, about what women want or need in or around their vaginas.” 🙂

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    NOT ALL MEN find my genitals disgusting, want to profit from enforcing ridiculous beauty standards or peddle toxic crap at my crotch. Well, I sure feel relieved somebody is looking out for those who don’t.

  • It looks like a pepto-bismal vomit-colored bullet/flashlight. Like something a sexist dickhat would invent for female law enforcement.

  • FieryRed

    That was pretty obviously what she was referring to, Khaat, because it seems the majority of men in the sex toy industry fall into that category. It didn’t really need to be explained to her.

  • Spangle

    I dunno, I’m 23 and I’ve had long dark labia since I was 12. Felt pretty terrible about them too. But it’s got nothing to do with age.

  • Spangle

    Although my vulva is ALREADY DETERIORATING and has been for almost FOUR YEARS! Oh no!

  • Come Heather

    Labia needing to be “rosy” is also racist as hell. Fuck this guy’s hebephilic, heteronormative, Eurocentric standards.

  • Rin

    I wasn’t aware that my vulva was at some point very firm and perky, bright bubblegum pink, and sopping wet 24/7. Seriously, when was that? I’d love to know. Consult your time machine, Lowe Aurora, I’ll wait…

    Hmm? You mean it was always asymmetrical, soft, and squishy? And it’s always been a subdued, fleshy pink? And lube exists? Well shoot,you had me going there for a moment, Lowe Aurora. I guess there’s nothing wrong with letting my body continue on its perfectly healthy, lovely path in life, now is there?

  • Rin

    In regards to the “horrid smell,” I’m always puzzled by those folks who think vaginas smell like fish. Like, seriously, have these people ever smelled a vagina? Or a fish? If so, what kind of fish are they eating, and where can I get some?

  • This another great example that some people will buy anything… it reminds me of when Cards Against Humanity sold people actual Bull Shit… but they at least donated the proceeds to charity, Lowe’s just sounds like a awful company. http://www.dailydot.com/lol/cards-against-humanity-bullshit/

  • Pegasister42

    Well, since I’m 20 and don’t own this, I guess I have a lifetime of traumatizing labial disfigurement to look forward to. I happen to enjoy seeing the ways my body changes over time. My vulva has character. It has a story. And I always find it is profoundly beautiful, especially compared to what I used to think about my body. I don’t need some shitty piece of plastic making me relive every insecurity I had about my vulva in high school. Bye, Felicia.

  • Stabbin Robots

    This labia rhetoric is straight-up bullshit.

    At one point, I *DID* feel bad that my labia look NOTHING like a Fleshlight or porn star. But guess what! NONE of my other body parts do either, so FUCK THAT NOISE.

    Every part of you is awesome. The scars. The colours. The shapes. It’s all awesome.

  • This is beautiful.

  • Dannicula

    It’s true! They say the influx of middle aged woman hormones makes you forget your true, youthful vulva to dull the pain.

    That’s why we need this!

    *sobbing*

  • Dannicula

    What I really wanna know from a design perspective is why this thing is so damn big. No way the “laser beam” is/needs to be that wide. It looks like one of those kaleidoscope toys we played with as kids, but, you know, vaginal.

  • Dannicula

    Also will my vulva need eye shields to operate this thing?

  • FieryRed

    According to their website, it features LSE technology. Which sounds all technical until you read that that stands for “Laser Safety Eye.”

  • FieryRed

    Agh, sorry you’ve felt bad about your labia color and shape! I’ve had partners who’ve also felt theirs were unattractive due to a dark color, but I can confirm that they have all had very attractive vulvae.

  • FieryRed

    Well, obviously it needs to be very thick for all of our loose, worn-out vaginas. Because vaginas don’t have natural elasticity or strength capabilities like other body parts.

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    Thought I just had – if this laser nonsense actually were capable of reshaping body tissue, it’d be pretty irresponsible for the vendors to just stick this quasi-medical technology into a sex toy and then hype it to people with no training for use in do-it-yourself labiaplasties. That sounds like it has the potential for all sorts of mad science style disasters.

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    Yeah. A set of Luna Beads and a bottle of lube comes to well under a hundred dollars. Even if you get the fancy organic lube with an ingredient list that reads like a Lush product or a really healthy but bland smoothie.

  • Dannicula

    Well that is certainly comforting. Don’t want my nether-eye (hay Chaucer hay) to go blind!

  • I can hear Dr. Evil now…

  • Only explanation: our vulvas are HUGE

  • I love long, dark labia.

    I almost did an “I like my labia like I like my coffee” joke, but I refrained.

  • Dannicula

    Fuck I forgot! And saggy and dry and they obviously look like sad, deflated balloons.

    I also recall there being this “dye” for labia and potentially nipples. It was like lip stain or something and really terrifying.

  • Jillian Boyd

    *brb can’t breathe laughing too much*

  • Khaat

    Yep, and I thought I helped expand on it pretty well without explaining it to her either 🙂

  • AceDenise

    It’s stuff like this that makes me glad to be an ace. No worries about whether a partner will think my labia and vagina are “rosy and firm” enough. Not that I would care about that, even if I did have a partner. Many women (and others) have enough culturally-reinforced worries about sex as it is without adding more pressure to have “rosy and firm” vulvae on top of all that. If your partner doesn’t like the “look” of your vulva, then they might also the controlling type who think you’re “too fat” or need plastic surgery to fix your sagging boobs. And if they are, then ditch ’em now while you can. And buy a Mona, Or an Eroscillator.

  • FieryRed

    “I don’t know about ‘men’ in general” =/= expansion. And a smiley-face at the end of a comment =/= friendliness or inoffensiveness.

  • FieryRed

    Actually…a raptor-claw-shaped toy could be fun. Good for g-spotting. Quick, someone draw it up and get the rights before one of the fantasy companies steals your idea!

  • Jane

    Bad-dragon.com totally has you covered on that front….

  • FieryRed

    Unless there’s something new that isn’t on their product page yet, they do not have a raptor-claw toy.

  • AceDenise

    Ew. Sounds like that lovely “anal bleach” you see at every skeezy sex shop on earth. If you’re gonna use scary chemicals to dye your labia why not pretty up your not-good-enough butthole while you’re down there?

  • AceDenise

    Actually most of the Bad Dragon stuff scares my timid vagina- but I love looking at them and dragons are awesome too so maybe someday… gotta have goals!

    (meant to reply to the “raptor claw dildo”/Bad Dragon comment but messed up the order.. oops sorry!

  • Dannicula

    Well, Lovehoney DOES have their annual toy competition…

    Nah, I’ll just make it myself! Oh man, imagine a stone one…

  • Dannicula

    Surprisingly it has been around for a while in home laser hair removal kits which AFAIK take like a year to even show results. Basically even if it worked, this unit would not be it. And thank god.

  • Wren

    Frisky Beast’s entire theme is dinosaur/prehistoric animal dildos.

  • Wren

    I think the most amazing thing about the vagina is that it can push out a baby the size of a small watermelon and then go back to original size after taking some time to recover from the small watermelon experience.

  • Jane

    Oh, I forgot and knee-jerk assumed that’s where I saw it — it’s from Candiru Curio http://avthepornfish.tumblr.com/ who has similar themes to Bad Dragon.

  • Wren

    Now I have a mental image of a vulva that shoots laser beams.

  • Zen Doe

    I’d just like to point out (as a male sex toy developer) I find this product beyond vile… body shaming is outright disgusting regardless of who its
    aimed at.. and who came up with the idea.

  • Zen Doe

    priceless..

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    please stop embarrassing yourself

  • Khaat

    Such hostility, people. Really, no need.

  • Heaven

    This is just so sad how they can do and talk about people’s stuff then try to sell people crap that supposedly helps it. Then you have the peple who actualoy by the shit.

  • Pegasister42

    Also can people stop judging vaginas and people in general about how useful they are in pleasing men?

  • SERIOUSLY

  • Pegasister42

    What wasn’t needed was your “not all men” comment. Or the implication that women are the ones exclusively with vaginas, and men are exclusively the ones without them.

  • Khaat

    Actually that wasn’t meant at all and I’m not even sure where you get that. It’s the implication that men don’t belong in the sex toy industry, when there are some wonderful men there. Again, I can’t see where the hostility seems to come from when someone says something you obviously don’t like, and won’t crawl away just because you berate me for saying something. Oh well…

  • Pingback: Sex News: Cyberporn menace faked, Dark Justice for pedos, pro-am sperm donor, Harley Quinn, The 100 - Violet Blue ® :: Open Source Sex - Journalist and author Violet Blue's site for sex and tech culture, accurate sex information, erotica and more.()

  • This take down is THE BEST. I <3 my long, gorgeous HUMAN labia!! Fuck body shame & fuck this garbage.

  • Apply HeadOn! directly to the forehead!

  • Pingback: Sex News: Online Porn Study, Sucky Vibes, & A Pro Sperm Donor - Peeperz()

  • RobinGraves

    Am I the only person who saw the picture of the plastic vulva and immediately imagined it singing opera?

  • FieryRed

    I love you for using “hebephilic.”

  • FieryRed

    Both of which are FAR less expensive than this (air-quote) LASER garbage.

  • FieryRed

    I did not imagine that previously. However, when I scrolled up just now, it sang “LAALAALAALAALAAAAAAAA!” in my mind as soon as my eyes lit upon it.

    So…if you were the only one, you aren’t any longer.

  • Lowe

    First of all we’re going to reveal you a secret: Lowe team is composed
    mainly by women! From 25 to 40, we are all happy and no men said us to create Aurora to
    change our horrible vaginas! J We’re expert in laser and the physics says it works (not Lowe) and we wanted to use it in a new way. Aurora doesn’t trasform anything,
    it’s not a surgery. Laser is used in aesthetics and we consider our vaginas a
    part of our body, like a leg or a hand. So why can’t we take care of our
    intimate beauty? But we can use hundreds of wrinkle creams, make up… we can have
    big boobs or a new hair color (and new hair of course). Our vaginas is almost hide J so we think that if you decide to use Aurora is for yourself, and maybe
    just for your partner (if you have one). Aurora also improves lubrication by stimulating
    microcirculation and increases pleasure by biostimulation. We’re sorry you
    think that Aurora is a new way to say your vulvas are not ok! Of course they
    are!

  • Lowe

    The efficacy of laser is officially established by science and physics and Aurora is a professional Made in Italy infrared laser! Details, studies and insights are available by contacting us.

  • FieryRed

    So, what is an external medical specialist? And why does the “placebo” part of your study results flip the reporting to try to make it appear more positive for your product?

  • FieryRed

    Also, “The efficacy of laser is officially established by science and physics” is incredibly vague. Efficacy for what? And none of that changes the fact that there is no actual need for a product like this, regardless of its efficacy, and your website uses body-shaming language to try to create a market for it. SHAME on you.

  • FieryRed

    I made that face, too.

  • FieryRed

    One of their blog posts on feminine hygiene DOES at least say not to use douches. However, it also says we should change tampons every TWO HOURS, and can only leave a menstrual cup in SLIGHTLY LONGER than that. … Apparently our junk will be far too stinky for the menz if we dare to leave a cup in all day, like it’s designed for.

  • AceDenise

    If you’re willing to spend $850 on a glorified pink laser pointer, you can probably afford to spend $1300 on a Sybian instead, and that thing at least vibrates. Like a lawnmower. But like the most awesome lawnmower ever! And at least you’ll likely get orgasms from a Sybian. Honestly, whose idea was it to charge $850 for this useless thing? Rich people who like to wipe their asses with $100 bills or something?

  • Lowe

    Professional infrared lasers improve microcircolation, in this way there’s more blood supply and cells oxygenation. “Rosy” simply means this 🙂

  • AceDenise

    I’m not going to ask for “studies” provided by the company who is using said “studies” to sell their product. Your company has a vested interest in providing “studies” that at best are skewed in support of your product, not in providing actual impartial information. If you really had such information, it would be on your website and people wouldn’t need to “contact” you to get it. But I don’t need to look at any studies to know I don’t need this item, and that it is mainly geared toward women who are already ashamed of/unhappy with the “look” of their vulva for whatever reason. And that $850 is very expensive for most people, especially for something that vaguely promises to solve a “problem” that doesn’t really exist. Doing Kegels can firm up the vaginal muscles and boost circulation/orgasms for free, and there are many inexpensive options for lube to correct vaginal dryness. This encouraging of female body shame in your marketing is deplorable. SHAME ON YOU, indeed.

  • Lowe

    Yes it’s vague but only because it’s complex! Infrared lasers (not LED) improves microcirculation and the production of ATP. It acts on cells chromophores bringing more energy and oxygenation. It stimulates collagene I production and glands producing lubrication. There’s many international clinical studies and pubblications about efficacy of laser in physiotherapy and aesthetics! If you want to read something, please feel free to ask. But let me say one thing. We didn’t create a new technology, we create only a new product! This technology is known from ages and we don’t need to prove its efficacy because it works on simple physical principle. At the end as a woman, I’ve some doubts. Why can we use creams for the face but can’t we use a product for our vagina? Yes, of course you DON’T NEED IT. But you don’t need anything in your life, not make up, creams, hair colors. If you want more natural lubrication, more turgidity, more stimulation you can buy it. If you don’t need it, it’s ok! For our point of view it’s not a shame to offer a product for intimate beauty (it’s for you – maybe for your partner if you have one). It’s a product that acts in intimate areas and nobody along the street judges us for this! It’s for you (if you want it). We consider our vaginas like our face, so we want to simply take care of them like other parts of our body! 🙂

  • Lowe

    Hi Denise, we didn’t provide scientific and detailed information because we tought was very hard to explain this technology. It’s a technology you usually find in clinics or beauticians so It’s hard to feel the gap. As we said in another comment “We didn’t create a new technology, we create only a new product! This technology is known from ages and we don’t need to prove its efficay”. So it’s not Lowe to say infrared laser works on our bodies, it’s used from ages in aesthetics and physioterapy. At the end we think it’s not a shame to be unhappy of your own vulvas and it’s not a shame to be happy of your own vulvas and simply to want to take them fit! It’s only a part of our body, you can choose to take care of it or not!

  • Lowe

    We are mainly women in our team! 🙂 Maybe someone misunderstood Aurora effects! Aurora doen’t change vaginas and it’s not for people who think their vaginas are horrible (Is there someone who thinks that?), it’s to simply take care of an organ, like a hand or face. So you can use this device as you use cream for the face, laser to remove wrinkles, IPL to remove pils and so on… simply this.

  • Come Heather

    Anyone who asks “is there someone who thinks that?” in regards to whether or not there are women who scrutinize and hate their genitals due to male-serving, mainstream porn standards is either completely out of touch and living under a rock…or is a man.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Wow I thought the height of cringe had been reached already in this post and then this happened.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Faces and hands are….not organs? Maybe you should brush up on your anatomy and medical knowledge before flashing lasers at people’s crotches

    And leaving passive aggressive comments in negative reviews. If you think it makes it better that you’re women….it doesn’t. It makes it much worse.

  • Lowe

    Sincerily here in Italy there’s no this social problem! No men scrutinizing genitals or women hating their vulvas!
    Moreover we created this product not to change or trasform. We’not making surgery!

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Know how I know this? I’M ITALIAN. I have friends who had trouble having sex because their labia was too big. Women in Italy are utterly scrutinized for every single thing.

    And SHAME ON YOU. A country like italy that still needs a lot of positive work to de-shame sex toys, and you waste your resources making expensive useless crap like this. I am once again ashamed of being Italian.

  • Come Heather

    I lived in Southern Europe, and that’s a blatant lie. I knew several Southern European women who wouldn’t even remove their bras during sex. I suppose Dr. Vincenzo Giovinazzo’s only labiaplasty patients are coming from outside of Italy?

  • Lowe

    Certainly someone all over the world has problems with its body (someone feel fat, someone fells ugly, someone like your friend has trouble having sex)…Here in Italy, as you said, also female masturbation is a taboo (in 2015) but we only offer a product to improve pleasure, lubrication and aesthetics. No more. No changes or beauty standards. If you have big labia your labia will remain the same after using Aurora.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    You offer a 850$ product that “improves aesthetics” in a country where most people can barely put food on the table and women in particular have extra trouble finding jobs because an extremely high standard of “beauty” is required even to work as a fucking supermarket cashier.

    In short, you disgust me.

  • AceDenise

    Yes, of course, it is up to us women alone, in a vacuum, with no outside influences, to choose to feel ashamed of our bodies or not, and of course if we don’t want your $850 device it must mean that we are also choosing not to “take care of ourselves”. And naturally, the “specific and detailed information” is far too complicated for average people- because average people can’t read or think for themselves. They can’t even follow a simple link to a study on an outside site or read a text citation of another published work if they were interested in additional information…! Logic suggests that a product that is said to improve the cosmetic appearance of a person’s vagina and labia is implying that something is not right with those body parts in the first place- why else would anyone buy this product? Why so many defensive replies to the original post? You are obviously not going to change the opinions of anyone here or gain any of us as customers. Maybe your energy would be better spent on listening to the points brought up by Epiphora and many others and using them to improve your product and marketing strategy? Crazy idea, I know. (Tip, ease up on the exclamation points after every sentence.) I am done with these circular arguments when you are clearly not listening to any of the concerns brought up here. I have better things to do with my time.

  • How is this different from sticking a cat toy in my snatch?

  • Spangle

    I just realized that you can get two of the golden Eroscillators for the price of this…

  • AceDenise

    One for you, one for a (very good) friend..! Or you could get 2 regular Eroscillators, and 2 Monas! Or… yeah, a whole lot of great stuff. Shit, I pay $850 a month for rent! For this price, the Lowe Aurora better give me orgasms on demand, AND cook my meals AND clean my house every day. The fact that this stupid doodad even exists makes me sad. But I am immensely entertained by the whiny, defensive replies to all the negative comments by Lowe Aurora- do they not get how badly they are embarrassing themselves? 🙂

  • AceDenise

    Off topic, but did you guys know there is a new limited edition Eroscillator in purple on the Eroscillator website? It’s the same price and has matching purple attachments. I was on their site yesterday and saw it, it actually looks sorta cool, like a metallic purple. Like my purple Little Chroma, except, you know, functional. And it’s NOT PINK! In case anyone’s interested…

  • Come Heather

    So what you’re saying is I bought this book for nothing?!

  • AceDenise

    I applaud your restraint.. I would not have been strong enough to resist… 🙂

  • Come Heather

    So you mean to tell me I bought this book for nothing?!

  • AceDenise

    “Genital Maintenance”- heehee!

    Finally, I understand what THIS product must be intended for- because pink is for womenfolk, obviously:

  • Wow what the actual fuck…this has to be one of the most disgusting marketing ideas for a toy I’ve seen. This was obviously thought up by men and, as a man, I’m pissed.

    When I design something, or when anyone designs something, the focus should be on how to provide the most pleasurable experience for the user. Women especially get hit with loads of horrible media that is focused on standards of beauty and how they don’t live up to it. The last thing we need in this world is a “sex toy” that adds to this idea that there’s something wrong their bodies.

    Let the record show that I wish to personally be introduced to every individual responsible for green lighting this toy and shove one of these lightsaber looking things up their rectums.

  • psoas

    So… would you kindly enlighten me, a physicist, on how exactly physics says this works? Since you’re expert in lasers, you’ll be very happy to know optical physics (femtosecond lasers specifically) was a minor specialty during my studies.

  • L

    “Infrared lasers (not LED) ”

    LED (and by that you mean laser diode, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt) can go anywhere from microwave to very mild ultraviolet, so I think you should try being a bit more specific.

    I’m really curious about all those studies, though. And by curious I mean I’m reeeally interested whether any of you guys understand maths beyond multiplying integers with 850 and calling it a day.

  • FieryRed

    In which dictionary did you find that definition of “rosy”? Because the definition I found is, “colored like a pink or red rose.”

    Nothing in there about micro-circulation or cell oxygenation. It’s a color, and since it’s a color that mostly applies to white people’s vulvas, it’s most definitely racist to say it’s the desired color of a vulva.

  • FieryRed

    At this point, I think nothing will really show you the problem with your product.

    But I will still point out: Women feeling the need to spend loads of money on wrinkle creams and pay thousands to have their breasts cut open and bags of liquid inserted into them stems from THE SAME GODDAMN PROBLEM as your vulva laser.

    The beauty industry, whether men or women, has been profiting greatly for god-knows-how-long from telling women that we’re too old, too fat, too wrinkled, too small-breasted, too dimpled, too gray, too pimpled, too hairy, too overall ugly to be loved without using all their zillions of overpriced and sometimes harmful products. And the patriarchal culture existing in many countries has been adding that women’s sex organs are too loose, too big, too dark, too light, too wet, too dry, too messy, too smelly, too UNPLEASURABLE TO MEN for us to ever be loved, so we’d better be grateful when one deigns to take pity on us. And YOU, Lowe, have now decided to jump in, encourage this feeling of vaginal inferiority, and profit off of it.

    See?

    No…I bet you still don’t.

  • Lowe

    We’ve just added the user manual for more details and technical features.

  • L

    Yeah see I just spent ten minutes on your website, and I’m either highly incompetent in clicking links or no you didn’t.

  • Pegasister42

    Exactly. People with more melanin in their skin may have darker labia. They won’t look pink or red because of the melanin in them. They might look mauve or brown, but the only way for them to be really pink would be to take the melanin away.

  • Pegasister42

    The people producing this want to act like it’s just a product intended for maintenance. But there are so many problems with that idea. The fact that their definition of taking care of the vulva, or any other body part, is “to deny the fact that aging exists.” The idea that older bodies are inherently less attractive bodies is so fucking toxic. If it were actually treating a disorder or something that would be different, but it’s saying, “Natural labia aren’t good enough. Spend too much money and maybe you won’t hate yourself.” I wouldn’t spend $50 on this, much less $850. Nope.

  • Come Heather

    Yeah, “sex toy” isn’t a very appropriate name for this. Both “sex” and “toy” imply pleasure. How about “shame device,” or “humiliation object”?

  • “Emotional torture device” or “weapon of mass self-image destruction”, maybe. Horrible piece of shit would also work!

  • Lowe

    You can find the user manual in Aurora page (after “technical features”). Here’s the direct link http://lo-we.com/cms/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Manuale-dUso-User-Manual-AURORA1.pdf

  • psoas

    The manual states it’s a 905 nm laser (the ~laser therapy~ standard), so I’m gonna take a wild guess and link to a $40 laser diode:

    http://uk.farnell.com/osram/splpl90/laser-diode-pulsed-905nm/dp/1226448

    Let’s add a $2 proximity sensor:

    http://uk.farnell.com/avago-technologies/hsdl-9100-021/sensor-proximity-analogue-output/dp/9613846

    A $10 rechargeable battery:

    https://www.sparkfun.com/products/339

    A few more bucks for the housing, wiring, shiny box, misogynist PR department… did we get to $850 yet?

  • AceDenise

    If I were a bride who received this as a wedding gift I would be furious, and I bet I wouldn’t even be able to sell it on ebay to get some cash for it.

  • FieryRed

    I laughed so hard.

  • AceDenise

    How about just “shit object”? Of course, I am a very simple person who likes the most basic of terms 🙂 Since Shit Orb is already taken- maybe Shit Pole? Or Shit Stick?

  • So it’s like those lasers for your face..?

  • Sharon The Cat

    Nothing lasers are used for in plastic surgery- oh, pardon me, “aesthetics”- is safe to do to a vagina.

  • Sharon The Cat

    Once they’re done with that, we can talk about a happy little word called ‘photothermolysis.’

  • Tzipora

    Shoot, I’m just about the palest pastiest porcelain skin tone I’ve ever seen and uh, even my labia darken to a mauvey tone with arousal. So I mean even a super pale girl doesn’t have “rosy” labia, sheesh! Which beyond all the racist labia hating misogyny kinda really drags the point home on how mindblowingly useless this dang device is.

    Also I feel like we need a slogan or hashtag about taking pride in our labia color. I thought all the shame being manufactured about labia size and dryness/wetness (because ugh you’ve got shame on one end for being dry yet the pantyliner companies and such shaming you for having natural lubrication too, what?) I thought that was bad enough but now shame for color? Wtf?

  • #rainbowlabia?

  • Tzipora

    Oh snap! Now I’m gonna have to worry that my black cat is gonna turn pink (er “rosy”) from laser pointer play! Yikes! ;P

  • fire

    WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY IF IT DOESN’T EVEN VIBRATE?

  • Cheyenne

    I love everything you choose to be. This is my favorite post of yours this year.

  • Robin McClanahan

    I do choose to take care of my vulva. Want to know how? I clean it regularly with gentle things like water and unscented baby wipes, I have pleasurable sex with it using safer sex techniques/products and with partners who think it’s beautiful as it is, I do kegel exercises, I use lubricant that is safe for it, I see an OB/GYN regularly for check ups and STI screening, and I buy it (and other fun parts of my body) enjoyable sex toys that actually are pleasurable to use. Oh, and I love it, because it’s beautiful and sexy and perfect and awesome and fun for me and my partners and there is nothing wrong with it. I do not need an $850 laser device to take care of my vulva. No one else on Earth does either. Our vulvas are perfect the way they are, thank you very much!

  • Robin McClanahan

    I’ve had long, dark labia since I was a youngster, too! I’ve never had any complaints, and my partner tells me that I have the prettiest pussy he’s ever seen. 🙂
    Er, not trying to toot my own horn or anything; point is, all vulva configurations are awesome and deserve to be loved! (All genitalia configurations in general!) <3

  • “So it’s not Lowe to say infrared laser works on our bodies, it’s used from ages in aesthetics and physioterapy.”

    In fact, low-power infrared lasers have a long sordid history in fraudulent quackery and no scientifically sound evidence of being useful for any “therapy” for which they have been hyped.

    And a word of marketing advice: you would be more convincing to a gullible American audience if you hired someone to shill for you who could compose a simple sentence in English without grammar & spelling errors.

/* ]]> */
d
c