Jul 102015
 

Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina is drying up. The color is draining from your genital region. Your husband is weeping. Your dinner is burning. Your life is a farce.

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

Enter the Lowe Aurora, a sex toy providing “low-level laser treatment” for your genitals. For your “health.” Of course. More like a massive laser pointer created solely to make you feel bad about your vulva. It’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys?

The female genitals are subject to the passage of time like the rest of the body. The labia loses its turgidity due to reduced elasticity and the colour loses intensity due to alteration of the superficial vascularization and it becomes increasingly dry.

. . . Thanks to the aesthetic treatment it will allow you to forget the passing of the years, rejuvenating the sexual organ and increasing lubrication. Aurora will not show benefits only on the beauty of body but it will ensure better functionality to the vagina.

Damnit, I wanted to watch the video of my 16th birthday party, but I just can’t look at younger me anymore without thinking about my deteriorating vulva! If only she’d known then what I know now! If only she hated herself more!

Just to drill the idea home, another part of their site helpfully reminds us that “from about the age of twenty genital organ begins slow changing process.” Because yes, I should always strive to preserve the same vulva I had when I wore sticky vinyl pants from Hot Topic, spent my time crafting the perfect away message, and constantly used the retort “your mom goes to college.”

I literally have never in my life thought about my labia needing to be “rosy” and “firm.” I’m pretty sure my labia were never “rosy” or “firm.” I’m pretty sure that’s pretty racist. This is what I imagine when I hear about labia being “rosy” and “firm”:

I had to actually hunt for a pocket pussy that had labia as "firm" as this

And regarding the “dry” comment, how about we just use lube, because that’s literally why it exists? How about we stop using the word “functionality,” as if vulvas are motorcycles that we must keep in working order for their cocky male owners? How about we just love our bodies, because that’s what we deserve?

Christ. I thought the faux technology of the Afterglow was bad, but at least that toy combined its useless lasers with vibrations. The Aurora doesn’t. even. fucking. vibrate. AND IT COSTS $850.

For that kind of money, you could buy a veritable bouquet of lifechanging sex toys. Or, you could just cross your fingers and fruitlessly shoot laser beams at your vulva.

You know Lowe’s website was tailor made for “women” because it includes photos of the Aurora next to wine, candles, flowers, make-up, and not-at-all-suggestive clocks. There’s even a “wedding” section which offers color palette inspiration and encourages you to buy the Aurora for a bride-to-be. Because nothing says “your vulva will become a saggy, wrinkly mess in no time and your husband will leave you” like a laser therapy sex toy!

Even better: Lowe’s blog mixes sex education articles (“Sex in the water, is it safe?”) with recipes for “mini cheesecakes” and “asparagus with cupid sauce” (which sounds like a gag-inducing euphemism for jizz). One ominous post title reminds us, in what I imagine to be a creepy whisper, “time is passing… even in intimacy.”

This is some top notch blogging. Here are some more blog post ideas for you, Lowe, free of charge:

  • The Perfect Cake to Bake While Sulking About Your Vaginal Elasticity
  • Why You’ll Only Get the Wedding of Your Dreams If Your Labia are Perky and the Exact Right Shade of Pink
  • 5 Meals to Cook For Your Husband To Make Up For Your Barely-Passable Vulva

What I hate even more than the “your vulva is ugly” bullshit is the way this toy is marketed as a self-love device. “Aurora is an accessory that is wholly dedicated to the woman,” the site explains. “Enjoy yourself. Just for the pleasure of it.”

Wholly dedicated to the woman. Yeah. As if we can’t see right through that shit. As if we’re going to enjoy ourselves while laser beaming our vulvas to make them more socially acceptable.

It reminds me of every Dove campaign ever made. So disingenuous, so obviously false. None of us are born hating our vulvas. Society does that for us. Lowe stands to profit from telling people they are broken — and no amount of staged photos or delicious recipes will cover that up.

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