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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
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  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Giveaways

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  • A to Z
Person holding the Fun Factory Stronic Eins in front of a curtain.
Giveaways

Win a Stronic pulsating thrusting vibrator

April 26, 2013
ALRIGHT PEOPLE. On Wednesday, I gave a sickeningly glowing endorsement to a $200 sex toy, and my reviewer’s guilt is setting...
Keep Reading
Red Tenga Flip Hole and LELO Mona 2.
Giveaways

Red sex toy giveaway winners!

January 28, 2013
Whooooosh! That’s the sound of my red sex toy giveaway going by in a flash. Usually my giveaways last a...
Keep Reading
Red Tenga Flip Hole and LELO Mona 2.
Giveaways

Giveaway: Red sex toys for Valentine’s Day or any day

January 22, 2013
So, I don’t really do Valentine’s Day. In fact, the Valentine’s Day aisle at the store makes me kinda sick...
Keep Reading
4-year blogiversary giveaway sex toy prizes
Giveaways

4-year blogiversary giveaway winners

October 29, 2012
Wow. I’m about 99% certain my 4-year blogiversary giveaway was the most successful giveaway in the history of this blog....
Keep Reading
4-year blogiversary giveaway sex toy prizes
Giveaways

4-year blogiversary giveaway — 15 prizes!

October 3, 2012
Four motherfuckin’ years, my friends. That’s how long this blog has been chugging along. If you know me at all,...
Keep Reading
AnnouncementsGiveaways

Subscribe to Epiphora’s Snark Digest!

October 1, 2012
I’m doing something nuts, peeps. I’m starting a newsletter. You may have heard little rumblings about this on Twitter, but...
Keep Reading
OH MY SWEET JESUS. Neon VixSkin dildos!
Giveaways

Neon and tie dye VixSkin winner

September 6, 2012
So I’m pretty sure my neon and tie dye VixSkin giveaway has been my most successful giveaway to date. AND...
Keep Reading
OH MY SWEET JESUS. Neon VixSkin dildos!
Giveaways

Giveaway: Neon and tie-dye VixSkin FOR YOU!

August 21, 2012
So after screaming “IS THIS REAL LIFE???” and recovering from my initial heart attack when I heard about these new...
Keep Reading
Penetralia Number 66, Number 28, Number 23, Number 33
Giveaways

Penetralia wooden toy winner

July 8, 2012
Thank you all for making my Penetralia giveaway a rousing success! I’m so thrilled to be the first one to...
Keep Reading
Penetralia Number 66, Number 28, Number 23, Number 33
Giveaways

Win a Penetralia wooden sex toy!

June 21, 2012
When do you ever get the chance to own a gorgeous, handmade sex toy before practically anyone else? When I’m...
Keep Reading
Custom Jollie dildo! It's turquoise and glittery, with cupcakes and the words "CONSENT IS SEXY" embedded in the silicone.
Giveaways

And the winner of the custom dildo is…

March 23, 2012
Aidyn! Thank you all for entertaining me for hours with your ideas for what you’d put in a custom dildo....
Keep Reading
Just a sample of what Jollies can do with their dildos! Dildos with stars and skulls inside.
Giveaways

Win a custom dildo — with anything you want inside it!

March 4, 2012
Have you ever thought to yourself, “dildos are fun and all, but they’d be way cooler if I could put...
Keep Reading
Crystal Delights Crystal Twist glass dildo
Giveaways

Shiny twisty swanky glass dildo winner

February 5, 2012
The shiny twisty swanky glass dildo giveaway has concluded, and I must say, it was a roaring success! Not only...
Keep Reading
Crystal Delights Crystal Twist glass dildo
Giveaways

Shiny twisty swanky glass dildo giveaway!

January 17, 2012
You want this dildo. First, as you can see, it’s gorgeous. It’s glimmery. It’s iridescent. It has an effing Swarovski crystal...
Keep Reading
Gift cards to SheVibe, Early to Bed, Babeland, and MyPleasuure
Giveaways

Blogiversary giveaway gift card winners

November 7, 2011
Thanks, peeps, for being total badasses! I had a great turnout in my 3-year blogiversary / 200 reviews giveaway. Now...
Keep Reading
Gift cards to SheVibe, Early to Bed, Babeland, and MyPleasuure
Giveaways

Blogiversary giveaway: celebrating 200 reviews with 600 bucks!

October 6, 2011
Oh snap, my friends! This week is my 3-year blogging anniversary, and I’ve hit 200 reviews written! I wrote 35 reviews...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 4 5 6

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Rainbow notebook, bracelets, and keychain.

The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 1: Mom, I’m queer

Lovehoney Flash USB rechargeable vibrator on top of a dictionary, open to the definition of "buzzy."

Review: Flash

Hot Octopuss Queen Bee oscillating rechargeable vibrator on a yellow polka dot plate.

Review: Queen Bee

LELO Mona Wave rechargeable G-spot vibrator on a rainy cement surface.

Review: Mona Wave

Strapless strap-on dildos. Tantus Feeldoe More, Tantus Realdoe Stout, Fun Factory ShareVibe, Happy Valley Tango.

Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos

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