The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat in front of my sex toy closet. When you arrive at the sex party and present the guests with your vibrating sex chair, you don’t exactly want the response to be “that looks like a toilet.” But that’s where I was. I was the guy bringing the sex machine to the party, and my sex machine immediately turned everyone off. One guest stated bluntly, “that’s not attractive enough to fuck, not at all.” “It looks like something a toddler would sit on,” another added. Nobody disputed it. Clearly, we were all super aroused. The subject in question was the Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, and it was getting quite the icy reception for a contraption that retails for . . . read more

I’m on edge, watching my every move. Like the first day on a new job. Like the feds are after me. Like a driving test. Like masturbating at age 15. But I am not actually in a high-stress situation. I just have something in my vagina. And its name is Evi. The Aneros Evi is a… kegel exerciser. Imagine me saying that with the same sort of hesitance in my voice as when I say “don’t worry, I can kill that spider” or “surely the Republicans can’t continue standing by him after this.” In actuality, the Evi is more defined by what it is not: it is not a butt plug (although it looks just like one), and it is . . . read more

Wipe the stars from your eyes. Dash your dreams. Give up all hope. It sounds perfect on paper: a beautiful marrying of motion and vibration. A self-thrusting shaft and a vibrating clitoral stimulator all in one sex toy, from the company that brought us the truly innovative and actually life-altering Stronic Eins. I was optimistic, believe me, just like you. But oh my god, the Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion is a deeply disappointing sex toy. Its insertable portion is flawless — that’s the hard truth — but its clitoral portion is absolutely unforgivable. Terrible aim, dismal vibrations. We have here an ingenious thing wrecked by an ill-fated modification, like dill pickle soup made with too much pickle juice, or Facebook now that your racist relatives are allowed to . . . read more

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more

No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker. Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with some epic clitoral stimulation — does me in every time. Too quickly. I lose count of my orgasms. I get delirious. The Stronic Eins shook the world wide open last year with its revolutionary (and you know me, I don’t throw that word around) back-and-forth “pulsating” technology. At $190 a pop, I was dubious, but the Shake Weight-like movement jostled my G-spot perfectly and I fell in love. . . . read more

[This toy has been discontinued, but the Stronic Surf is just as good. I also reviewed the Stronic G, Drei, Zwei, and Bi Stronic Fusion. ] There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp vibrators in one fell swoop. You’re just not. But if anyone should be screaming “revolutionary!!!”, you know, for once, Fun Factory has actually earned it. The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina. . . . read more

The Astrea I vibrating panties are “one size fits most,” which of course means “one size fits size small.” It cuts into my skin very efficiently. There’s also a thong version if you’re into a different style of skin cutting. Being from the Berman Center line, it comes with a tacky purple organza bag and batteries (2 AAAs for the vibrating piece and one 12V for the remote control). The remote is very inconspicuous: completely black with “C.E.N.I.” on it. A few tests confirm that the remote has great range (well over the 12 feet it promises), though I question why that even matters since the toy has only one speed/function/setting: on. There’s a pouch in the underwear that I assume is meant for the . . . read more

The first thing I noticed about the Fun Factory G-Twist was that it was quite large. The second thing I noticed was that the battery compartment was impossible. Worst way to start off a masturbation session: getting agitated at being unable to remove the battery cap. You’re supposed to squeeze both sides of the light gray plastic so that the dark gray plastic part (with the knob on it) will pop off. Easier said than done. After much squeezing and pulling between my boyfriend and I, we finally resorted to using a flat-head screwdriver to pry it open. I thought we were going to break it, but luckily, we didn’t. Does it matter that the battery compartment is so difficult? . . . read more

[You may be able order this toy on Amazon, although I think has been discontinued.] A somewhat bored-looking, lingerie-clad woman stares back at me from her position atop Her Perfect Fit. Three cute icons at the bottom of the package explain that the toy is multi-speed, waterproof, and silky smooth. A picture of the clitoral nub boasts “FLEXI-TOUCH,” with arrows pointing both directions to signify movement. I have been wooed previously by the prospects of other vibes that feature both vaginal and clitoral stimulation, but they have always fallen short in one way or another. Usually, the clit stimulator is the culprit. But the clit stimulator on Her Perfect Fit, it seemed, could be adjusted to my preference. That’s what . . . read more