that’s not where my clit is

…yeah.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Wipe the stars from your eyes. Dash your dreams. Give up all hope. It sounds perfect on paper: a beautiful marrying of motion and vibration. A self-thrusting shaft and a vibrating clitoral stimulator all in one sex toy, from the company that brought us the truly innovative and actually life-altering Stronic Eins. I was optimistic, believe me, just like you. But oh my god, the Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion is a deeply disappointing sex toy. Its insertable portion is flawless — that’s the hard truth — but its clitoral portion is absolutely unforgivable. Terrible aim, dismal vibrations. We have here an ingenious thing wrecked by an ill-fated modification, like dill pickle soup made with too much pickle juice, or Facebook now that your racist relatives are allowed to . . . read more

Review: Hula Beads

Review: Hula Beads

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker. Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with some epic clitoral stimulation — does me in every time. Too quickly. I lose count of my orgasms. I get delirious. The Stronic Eins shook the world wide open last year with its revolutionary (and you know me, I don’t throw that word around) back-and-forth “pulsating” technology. At $190 a pop, I was dubious, but the Shake Weight-like movement jostled my G-spot perfectly and I fell in love. . . . read more

Review: Stronic Eins

Review: Stronic Eins

[Wondering what I think of the other toys in the Stronic line? I reviewed the Stronic G, Zwei, Drei, and Bi Stronic Fusion. ] There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp vibrators in one fell swoop. You’re just not. But if anyone should be screaming “revolutionary!!!”, you know, for once, Fun Factory has actually earned it. The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina. Where vibrators . . . read more

Pop Shot: Astrea I vibrating brief

Pop Shot: Astrea I vibrating brief

The Astrea I vibrating panties are “one size fits most,” which of course means “one size fits size small.” It cuts into my skin very efficiently. There’s also a thong version if you’re into a different style of skin cutting. Being from the Berman Center line, it comes with a tacky purple organza bag and batteries (2 AAAs for the vibrating piece and one 12V for the remote control). The remote is very inconspicuous: completely black with “C.E.N.I.” on it. A few tests confirm that the remote has great range (well over the 12 feet it promises), though I question why that even matters since the toy has only one speed/function/setting: on. There’s a pouch in the underwear that I assume is meant for the . . . read more

Review: G-Twist

Review: G-Twist

The first thing I noticed about the Fun Factory G-Twist was that it was quite large. The second thing I noticed was that the battery compartment was impossible. Worst way to start off a masturbation session: getting agitated at being unable to remove the battery cap. You’re supposed to squeeze both sides of the light gray plastic so that the dark gray plastic part (with the knob on it) will pop off. Easier said than done. After much squeezing and pulling between my boyfriend and I, we finally resorted to using a flat-head screwdriver to pry it open. I thought we were going to break it, but luckily, we didn’t. Does it matter that the battery compartment is so difficult? . . . read more

Review: Her Perfect Fit

Review: Her Perfect Fit

[You may be able order this toy on Amazon, although I think has been discontinued.] A somewhat bored-looking, lingerie-clad woman stares back at me from her position atop Her Perfect Fit. Three cute icons at the bottom of the package explain that the toy is multi-speed, waterproof, and silky smooth. A picture of the clitoral nub boasts “FLEXI-TOUCH,” with arrows pointing both directions to signify movement. I have been wooed previously by the prospects of other vibes that feature both vaginal and clitoral stimulation, but they have always fallen short in one way or another. Usually, the clit stimulator is the culprit. But the clit stimulator on Her Perfect Fit, it seemed, could be adjusted to my preference. That’s what . . . read more

Review: Delight

Review: Delight

I feel like I have been waiting a zillion years to get my hands on the Delight. The moment I saw it, I fell hopelessly in love. Those sleek curves, the delicious plastic and silicone design, the case it recharges in… everything seemed ridiculously perfect. And ridiculously out of my college-student price range. So I was ecstatic when I learned that I would be  receiving it for review. As always with Fun Factory, the Delight came packaged in a stylish box with ample instructions (in five languages) and a packet of lube. The charging case1 for the Delight is shiny, small, and not very heavy, even with the vibrator in it. However, the case only stays closed with magnets, so . . . read more

Review: Sally Seal

Review: Sally Seal

[You may be able order this toy on Amazon, although it has been discontinued.] There’s no denying the cute factor of the Fun Factory Sally Seal. While some people may think animal shaped vibes are too absurd, I just find them amusing. I love that Sally Seal’s body is contorted so oddly to accommodate the stipulations of a rabbit vibrator. Then there’s that cheeky smile and the softness of 100% silicone. First impressions are good here. I was previously wowed by Fun Factory’s Corsar, a smallish silicone vibe with a good variety of vibration settings. Sally Seal certainly excels when it comes to presentation, just as Corsar did; it’s adorable, and it comes in a nice box that includes an instructional booklet and . . . read more

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