Jul 092012
 

My blender has 9 more speeds than the Jimmyjane Little Chroma. It also cost 50% less and makes delicious smoothies.The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your friend emailing you in distress because they’re stranded in London. Not like replying to a Craigslist post about an apartment only to have the nice folks offer to mail you the key from West Africa. Not like someone making nasty things about you on Twitter.

But in the simple, old school way: Jimmyjane tries to swindle you into buying the Little Chroma. And I want to intervene. No, need to intervene. I really can’t stand this shit anymore.

Jimmyjane knows the importance of marketing, and they use it to make the Little Chroma look mighty tasty. It’s made of aluminum — shiny and smooth and shaped like a luxury tampon. It comes with a replaceable motor, so the vibrator can never die (…as long as you keep buying replaceable motors). And, of course, it comes in a multitude of styles, from your average black and magenta to designer looks and insanely overpriced materials with embedded diamonds. Jimmyjane throws around the word “everlasting,” as though you can take the Little Chroma into your next life when you die.

Then they toss the $125 price tag at you (that’s just the cheapest one), and you’re already justifying it to yourself. Well, it’s shiny aluminum… it will last forever

But you see, the Little Chroma needs this marketing; it requires it. Jimmyjane has to put this toy in extravagant celebrity gift bags and swanky hotels and hope for an unintentional celebrity endorsement (’cause celebs can’t resist 24K gold vibrators!). Without deft marketing, nobody would give one fuck about this toy. Because — and they hide this truth exceedingly well — it is only luxurious if you have really low standards when it comes to sex toys.

The Little Chroma has one speed. And it’s no stronger than your average cheapo bullet. Actually, it’s pretty damn mild, and a chore to reach orgasm with. ONE SPEED FOR $125. You know what’s also one speed? Watch battery bullets — the dinky things that come free with your silicone dildos. Hell, Jimmyjane’s own $16 Iconic Bullet has three speeds!

And that’s irritating as fuck, but what I find nearly as irritating is how you turn the Little Chroma on and off. Is it via a button or a dial like almost every vibrator on earth? No, the Little Chroma is special — you have to screw the cap on and off to control it. If the cap is completely screwed on, it takes me eight finger-and-thumb twists to turn the thing off. This takes 5-6 seconds, which I timed because I want you to understand how fucking ridiculous this is. Not that I really need to explain why having to unscrew a tiny cap is not conducive to stress-free jacking off; it’s PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY.

This issue also renders the Little Chroma basically not waterproof. Because if you want to take it in the bath, it has to be on the entire time. And if you want to warm it up or cool it down in water before use (an oft-touted feature, since aluminum is very receptive), it has to be buzzing away. Yeah, that’s not a recipe for disaster or anything.

If you consider that the Little Chroma was actually more of a precursor to rechargeable toys, that explains why it’s powered by one AA battery and one battery-shaped replaceable motor. Of course they try to spin this as a great feature, but let me tell you, there is nothing comforting about taking the batteries/motor out of your $125 vibrator, peering into the abyss, and realizing just how unsophisticated the technology behind the toy is. There is nothing to see. It’s an empty shell. As empty as your pockets. As empty as your soul.

I’m sure you can sense my rage. I just consider the Little Chroma one of the most overrated vibes of all time. Whenever I see a glowing review of it, a part of me dies. I get actually enraged, because people seem so willing to overlook everything that makes this toy stupid. I just read one review calling the $325 Little Gold “an affordable luxury toy.” I WANTED TO SCREAM.

There are three positive points to the Little Chroma: it’s quiet, enjoyable to the touch, and comes with a three year limited warranty. But: it doesn’t have any vibration patterns. It’s not rechargeable. It’s not actually waterproof. It doesn’t come with a storage pouch. It’s expensive. YOU HAVE TO SCREW THE CAP ON AND OFF TO CONTROL IT. And I’ve seen way too many toys that are better than this thing, so I am not fooled. For example:

  • Turbo Glider ($24). It’s a thousand times stronger, with a variable speed dial, at a fifth of the price.
  • LELO Mia ($85) and We-Vibe Tango ($80). Small, rechargeable, and much more stimulating.
  • Eroscillator ($140-250). Oscillations that feel amazing and, because they cannot be found in any other toy, are worth the money.
  • Tantus’ Alumina dildos ($100). No vibrations, but the solid (that’s right; not hollowed out!) aluminum feels weighty and fabulous.
  • Pipedream’s Pure Aluminium line ($32-42). If you must have vibrating aluminum, at least these have more than one speed.

Honestly, you’d be better off looking up bullet vibrators under $25 and choosing one randomly. It would probably be better than the Little Chroma. At least, it wouldn’t be like flushing money down the toilet.

To conclude this screed, do not buy the Jimmyjane Little Chroma or any iteration of it. No Little Steels, no Little Golds, no Little Platinums. Please. I fucking beg you. Save yourself the hundred bucks, or get a pair of anti-gravity chairs or something. Just not this. We live in the future; we don’t have to deal with one-speed vibrating tampons anymore.

Bonus! Epiphora’s Near-Perfect Most Favorite Smoothie

  • One big-ass banana, frozen if possible
  • One heaping cup of strawberries, frozen if possible
  • 1/4 cup dry oats
  • 1 1/2 tbsp peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup milk of any sort

Blend until awesome.

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