The G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop begins with a mistake — by getting way too literal about things. Always an ominous sign. Since it’s wrapped up like a fucking lollipop, I believe I’m fully within my rights to scream DO NOT PUT ACTUAL LOLLIPOPS IN YOUR VAGINA! OR POPSICLES! OR CHOCOLATE SAUCE! OR WHIPPED CREAM! It is not cute and it is only scandalous in the way that your world will be rocked by a yeast infection. Blissfully unaware of the implications of modeling a dildo after a sugary food, my cat deemed the highly crinkly plastic packaging THE BEST EVER and had a grand ol’ time pushing it across the floor. There are a slew of options when one goes to order a G-Spot . . . read more

I could’ve written a review for the njoy Pure Plugs before ever putting a single one in my ass. Of course, I would never do such a thing. And sometimes, my hunches about toys are way off. But in this instance, I’d like to gloat about the fact that I was totally and completely spot on (à la Gordon Ramsay). The Pure Plugs seem like flawless, glorious nuggets of shiny stainless steel, and that is exactly what they are. Put one in your ass, be astounded, THE END. They are love at first butt. First insertion? First ass? I’m basically as excited as Samwell about this. That tells you much of what you need to know. SheVibe graciously sent me both the medium and large Pure Plugs, . . . read more

The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your friend emailing you in distress because they’re stranded in London. Not like replying to a Craigslist post about an apartment only to have the nice folks offer to mail you the key from West Africa. Not like someone making nasty things about you on Twitter. But in the simple, old school way: Jimmyjane tries to swindle you into buying the Little Chroma. And I want to intervene. No, need to intervene. I really can’t stand this shit anymore. Jimmyjane knows the importance of marketing, and they use it to make the Little Chroma look mighty tasty. It’s made of aluminum — shiny and smooth and shaped like a luxury tampon. It comes with a replaceable motor, . . . read more

Nobody wants to know how the njoy Fun Wand is. Everyone just wants to know how the Fun Wand compares to the njoy Pure Wand. Which I think is totally fair. When your big sibling is the Pure Wand (A.K.A. one of the best things to ever enter my vagina), it’s clearly the overachiever in the family and you’re just the smaller, oddly-shaped younger sibling. The Fun Wand is also about $20 cheaper, which seems to be a draw for people originally looking at the Pure Wand. Same manufacturer, same shiny stainless steel, why not save a few bucks? Because YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. Maintaining any semblance of objectivity with this one is hard. But when one has experienced the glory of . . . read more

When Sexcuse Moi asked if I wanted to do a special promotion and offer a discount on a certain toy, I knew which one immediately: the Pure Wand. This toy is the best thing that will ever happen to your G-spot. I wish I could give everyone in the world a Pure Wand. Since that is impossible, I offer you a consolation in the form of $30 off. The Pure Wand is regularly $110, but put the code HEYEPIPHORA in the promotional code box during check-out, and your Pure Wand will be discounted by 30 bucks. Plus, it will ship for free. If you needed an excuse to buy this impossibly amazing hunk of stainless steel, here’s your chance. Take it! (This . . . read more

After a long masturbation session, the kitchen counter usually looks something like this: Left to right: Alumina Motion/Revolve hybrid, Dual-Sided Swirled Rib, Xtreme Pack, Cobalt Twister, Gold Ribbed Love Wand, Alumina Motion/Revolve hybrid This was taken in December of 2008, though, when I was on a glass dildo kick, and when my Xtreme Pack had not yet been usurped by the Eroscillator, et al. Also, I’m not sure why things are lined up so neatly. That is not normal.

I don’t normally have sexual dreams, but I’ve had dreams about the njoy Eleven. They were always incredible jack-off sessions consisting of intense G-spot stimulation and unspeakable pleasure. At nearly $300 on most sites, the solid stainless steel Eleven is one of the most expensive sex toys ever made, and therefore should be the stuff of fantasies. In my dreams, though, the Eleven didn’t weigh anything — and I sure as hell wasn’t wielding it myself. No, in my dreams it suspended itself for my pleasure, and all I had to do was grind down on it. I would wake up yearning intensely for the toy. I was certain I would love it. I mean love it. I’ve become a . . . read more

You have come here wondering if the njoy Pure Wand is deserving of its legendary status. If this parenthesis-shaped pound and a half of medical-grade stainless steel can indeed change your — and your G-spot’s — life. The answer is yes. Holy fuck, yes. Your G-spot will never be the same. You don’t even know. You can’t comprehend. Buckets of ejaculate. A parade of buckets, if that is your aim. And lots and lots of moaning. This dildo will alter your perception of sexual pleasure forever. Measly words can’t adequately describe what the Pure Wand feels like. This is the most intense, overwhelming sex toy I’ve ever used. It is heavy, concentrated, and unrelenting. It steals my breath. It messes with . . . read more

Ah, the Tantus Alumina Motion. One of my favorite dildos. I gave one away in my blogiversary blowout, to an awesome guy by the name of Jaye Valentine. Jaye is always tweeting about the Motion — even singing to me about it — and it always makes me smile. I asked Jaye to elaborate on his and his partner’s experiences with the Motion, and boy did he! When asked what defines sex-toy happiness for me these days, I have only three words: TANTUS ALUMINA MOTION. I won this toy during Epiphora’s one-year blog anniversary and seriously, this toy is my butt’s newest, bestest friend. When my partner (Hi, Reno!) wields this toy, you can bet on three things happening: a) . . . read more