Being a veteran sex toy blogger is a pretty sweet deal sometimes. I get to live to see most of my enemies disappear into the ether; I’m around as technologically-advanced sex toys become commonplace; and I’m still here when long-discontinued favorites are reborn. It’s the ciiiiiircle of liiiiiiife. Today, what’s old is new again. Two textured dildos that have been out of production for years, the Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish and Tantus Splash, have risen from the dead — and my vagina is throwing a freaking all-night rager. For real. Bring your best La Croix and we can mix it into my wine. I’d forgotten just how much I loved these silly little chunks of silicone. But in trying the modern-day . . . read more

When I saw the Fun Factory Boosty for the first time, I murmured, “I need it in my soul.” 80% of that reaction was in response to the turquoise color option, but it’s not only that — this butt plug just has a cheerful, persuasive aura about it. However, now that I’ve had it in my soul, and vis-à-vis in my butt, I am stumped on how to describe the sensation it creates. With those ripples, you’d think it would be a pronounced, observable feeling — but my butt registers it mostly as size. (I can’t feel the color. Damnit.) The Boosty is the sequel to Fun Factory’s Bootie, which is my favorite silicone butt plug and part of my holy trinity of favorite plugs. It’s a tough act to follow. . . . read more

These glass dildos from Joyful Pleasure presented me with a few obstacles. See, I have this thing with insertable objects where I feel frustrated if I can’t conquer them. Whether it’s sheer size, extreme heft, repetitive bloops, every imaginable electrostim setting, or simply a bulge just out of reach, I feel the uncontrollable urge to experience all that a toy has to offer. Combine this with the fact that I’m a texture slut, and you have a recipe for vaginal disaster. When presented with the opportunity to review dildos from Joyful Pleasure, I of course ignored anything smooth and went straight for dildos with bumps, swirls, bloops, and, unbeknownst to me, challenging lengths. A large part of my reason for trying these dildos was price: they’re all under $45. If your . . . read more

[The Splash has now become the Magma.] The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a Nickelodeon awards show, it’d be grinning and taking it like a champ. Because life is good for the Splash. It is a dildo that stands out aesthetically, but also succeeds internally. It doesn’t have to worry about being deficient in some area, as many sex toys are. (Those are the kinds of toys that might scowl whilst being slimed. Bad sports.) I tested a prototype of this toy, and I loved it the moment I saw it. Then I really loved it when I put it in my vagina. And now I really really love it in . . . read more

Nobody wants to know how the njoy Fun Wand is. Everyone just wants to know how the Fun Wand compares to the njoy Pure Wand. Which I think is totally fair. When your big sibling is the Pure Wand (A.K.A. one of the best things to ever enter my vagina), it’s clearly the overachiever in the family and you’re just the smaller, oddly-shaped younger sibling. The Fun Wand is also about $20 cheaper, which seems to be a draw for people originally looking at the Pure Wand. Same manufacturer, same shiny stainless steel, why not save a few bucks? Because YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. Maintaining any semblance of objectivity with this one is hard. But when one has experienced the glory of . . . read more

I don’t know how to say this in a way that is pleasant, but that’s okay — I’ve never really been the queen of class. It feels like I’m pooping. Because the Tantus Severin’s final bulge rests right inside my ass, it feels like I’m on the verge of a poop. Constantly. Especially if I walk around. It feels awkward, like it wants out. I’ve tried to push the plug in further, but it always ends up resting right at that spot, with the neck hanging out and the base poking into my ass cheeks. The base isn’t super uncomfortable, but it’s definitely… obvious. And distracting. And I don’t know why it has to be so big. And it blocks my . . . read more

My first wooden dildo was the NobEssence Linger, a meager yet bulbous little thing with a finger hole. The NobEssence Allure is like a second edition of the Linger, expanded and deluxe. The finger hole has been replaced with a G-spotting bulb, and the bloops on the shaft have been enlarged, elongated, and straightened out. The G-spotting bulb: good call. I never use finger holes anyway. Best replace them with something mind-blowing! My Allure is made of Black Palm, which I’ll sadly concede is not as beautiful as I thought it would be. I had unrealistic expectations, as I’d seen a photo of a Black Palm dildo… with flash. As we all know, flash changes everything, and it made the dark brown . . . read more

My standards for the Toyfriends were laughably low. I reviewed their predecessors, the Ticklers, and was astonished by with their lack of power. Although the Toyfriends are bigger and take AAA batteries rather than Ns, I was very skeptical. There are four different Toyfriends: Coney (black), Bubbly (pink), Nosy (yellow), and Seti (blue). And yes, Seti is named after the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence — the manual even says so! Each toy is 7-8″ long and comes with a clear plastic stand and batteries. Each toy takes 2 AAA batteries, inserted into the base side-by-side. The silicone on the Toyfriends is very silky to the touch. The shafts are completely rigid, and the heads don’t have much give (the necks bend, . . . read more

Dearest Turbo Glider, Hello, my dear. It’s been a while, I know. A few trysts here and there, but things between us are nothing like they used to be. I understand if you feel neglected; I barely get you out from the drawer at all. The truth is, my clit now prefers less buzzy, more unique toys. But don’t cry; you will always be in my heart. I will always remember you fondly as my first true sex toy love. It was February of 2007, and I was in search of something cheap to get me off. I picked you up from the mail room at college and for a solid year afterward, you were my only sex toy. I only . . . read more