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    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
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    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
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unique stimulation

Out-of-the-box sensations, such as thrusting, oscillating, sucking, and beyond.

 

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Womanizer air flow / pressure wave suction vibrator, with its ridiculous fake jewel, on a very white bed.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy Reviews

Review: Womanizer

December 14, 2015
Why isn’t this sex toy wearing a wife beater?Why isn’t it blasting Eminem?Why isn’t it friends with OJ?Why doesn’t it...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Bouncer kegel ball dildo on an off-white crumpled sheet.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Bouncer

November 12, 2015
Oh, Fun Factory. You poor things. Do you not realize what the word “bouncer” insinuates here in America? That’s the guy...
Keep Reading
Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug and Fun Factory B Balls kegel ball anal plugs on a moss-covered brick, among leaves.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementAnal ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Geisha Plug and B Balls

July 28, 2015
I can’t prove it — unless Google Talk instant message logs count as evidence — but I had this idea...
Keep Reading
Me in my Princessa video review
April Fool's!Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Video review: Princessa

April 1, 2015
In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only...
Keep Reading
Afterglow PulseWave vibrator showing off its useless laser light energy.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Afterglow

February 28, 2015
I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars,...
Keep Reading
Pipedream Ceramix No. 4 ceramic dildo
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy Reviews

Review: Ceramix No. 4

February 3, 2015
I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean....
Keep Reading
LELO Mona Wave rechargeable G-spot vibrator on a rainy cement surface.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy Reviews

Review: Mona Wave

January 26, 2015
The LELO Mona Wave feels like being fingered by someone who is absent-mindedly planning out the toppings on the pizza they’re...
Keep Reading
Black LELO Ora (original), blue LELO Ora 2 on a hardwood floor.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Ora 2

December 15, 2014
I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in...
Keep Reading
LELO Hula Beads in the snow.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Hula Beads

November 19, 2014
Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO...
Keep Reading
Lovehoney Sqweel Go oral sex toy in a tiny casserole dish
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementSex Toy Reviews

Review: Sqweel Go

October 29, 2014
“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care...
Keep Reading
Fun Toys G-Vibe, a purple dildo with a split shape, creepin' on the neighbors through the blinds.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: G-Vibe

September 22, 2014
There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Stronic Drei pulsator outside, on icy cement.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

June 4, 2014
No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make...
Keep Reading
Magic Banana kegel exerciser and dildo, surrounded by plastic letters from the Bananagrams game spelling out "EMPOWERMENT."
DildosGreatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy Reviews

Review: Magic Banana

February 5, 2014
Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lock, thighmaster, or lasso and thought, “oh hey, I bet that’d be...
Keep Reading
iGino partying with a tequila shot,.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iGino One

December 27, 2013
OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ...
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Revel Body sonic vibrator... plus jump drive and "competitor model."
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Revel Body

December 11, 2013
I’ve seen a ton of presumptuous sex toy marketing in my day, but I’d never seen a sex toy that...
Keep Reading
The Sybian... and packing materials.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerVibrators

Today in my life… a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

December 7, 2013
In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this sex machine,...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 4

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Lovehoney Flash USB rechargeable vibrator on top of a dictionary, open to the definition of "buzzy."

Review: Flash

LELO Mona Wave rechargeable G-spot vibrator on a rainy cement surface.

Review: Mona Wave

A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

Table of dildos! And camera! And notebook! And laptops! And coffee!

15 rules for writing a sex toy review that doesn’t royally suck

Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet.

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

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