Jun 142009

Taffy Tickler Silicone SweetsSpiked jewelryOn the front of the package, a circle of orange spines say, “Try Me.” You feel them; they are glossy, pointy, somewhat pliable. They remind you of body jewelry, Hot Topic, the 90s. But this tactile experience does not prepare you for the sensation of the spines in your vagina.

And you feel them all. Every row of them as you fight to wriggle the dildo inside yourself. They are not soft, and they are not subtle. They do not “tickle,” as the packaging promises. They poke. They drag. They proclaim, “did you know that I exist?” “And me?” “And me?” “And me?” You drizzle a boatload of lube on the dildo. It has no effect whatsoever.

Perhaps I’m not warmed up enough, you think. You rummage through your stuff to find the biggest dildo you own. You fuck yourself silly with it. After this, you think, the Taffy Tickler will be nothing.

No, it won’t.

It really, really won’t.

What’s that slight burning sensation? Oh, that’s just the inside of your vagina. It wants to know what the hell just happened.

Feeling as though you just had sex with a very spiny animal or sea urchin, you put the Taffy Tickler away — perhaps in a drawer, perhaps out in the open to show off to guests. But one thing’s for sure: that dildo is never coming near your vagina again.

Bonus facts!

  • The spines, although phthalate free, are made of TPR — thermoplastic rubber, which is porous. The rest is made of glass… too bad you can’t feel it.
  • The world makes several atrocities with spines like these. Avoid them like the plague. Really. Unless you have never met a toy textured enough for you, do not even think about buying something with spines like this.
  • I tried this toy again in 2017 and was amazed at how painful it was. Like shoving a rose bush in my vagina.
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