Jun 142009

Taffy Tickler Silicone SweetsSpiked jewelryOn the front of the package, a circle of orange spines say, “Try Me.” You feel them; they are glossy, pointy, somewhat pliable. They remind you of body jewelry, Hot Topic, the 90s. But this tactile experience does not prepare you for the sensation of the spines in your vagina.

And you feel them all. Every row of them as you fight to wriggle the dildo inside yourself. They are not soft, and they are not subtle. They do not “tickle,” as the packaging promises. They poke. They drag. They proclaim, “did you know that I exist?” “And me?” “And me?” “And me?” You drizzle a boatload of lube on the dildo. It has no effect whatsoever.

Perhaps I’m not warmed up enough, you think. You rummage through your stuff to find the biggest dildo you own. You fuck yourself silly with it. After this, you think, the Taffy Tickler will be nothing.

No, it won’t.

It really, really won’t.

What’s that slight burning sensation? Oh, that’s just the inside of your vagina. It wants to know what the hell just happened.

Feeling as though you just had sex with a very spiny animal or sea urchin, you put the Taffy Tickler away — perhaps in a drawer, perhaps out in the open to show off to guests. But one thing’s for sure: that dildo is never coming near your vagina again.

Bonus facts!

  • The spines, although phthalate free, are made of TPR — thermoplastic rubber, which is porous. The rest is made of glass… too bad you can’t feel it.
  • The world makes several atrocities with spines like these. Avoid them like the plague. Really. Unless you have never met a toy textured enough for you, do not even think about buying something with spines like this.
  • Miss KissThis

    This is the best. review. ever.

    Please thank your vagina for enduring pain for everybody else’s entertainment. And review more shitty stuff. MORE MORE MORE

  • Wilhelmina

    oh my god. i’ve seen this before and just *looking* at it makes my vagina cringe in terror. i have to commend you heartily for trying it out.

  • Oh wow sorry that so sucks I hope your vagina make a full recovery. With the pic on the site don’t see the spines that well.

  • i used to own a vibrator that was all “taffy tickler”. i tried every damn thing to at least try the thing. Even with a buttload of lube i couldn’t get the damn thing in (probably anatomy). But, you can’t clean the damn “tickler” part to save your soul. They lap up juice and lube and hold onto it. i tried water, soap, scrubbing, everything (despite reviews to the contrary…). Really, they just need to stop making these things.

  • @Wilhelmina: Usually I give toys the benefit of the doubt and try them at least twice, but that was not gonna happen this time!

  • wendiana

    is it possible to save this toy by removing the offensive spikes? I have this thought of a woman with extensive pubic hair getting tangled into these evil pointy things & it being a double torture device.
    Ackkk. It looks like pain. Rescue the glass dildo inside!

  • @wendiana: It’s not worth it. I have plenty of other great glass dildos. It would be a total waste of time.

  • Pumpkin Lady

    I had a really bad feeling about these things. Kudos to you though, buy your vagine some chocolates or something and let her know you’re real sorry and it will never happen again…

  • wendiana

    @Epiphora: lol, then for all that is holy, don’t waste it, send it to me! LMAOOO.

  • @wendiana: Dude, no way. You — and every other woman — deserve a normal glass dildo, not a Frankenstein’s monster. There are decent $30 glass dildos out there.

  • Eliot

    You know, I’d heard these things were painful well before your review (which was very funny, btw), but I still can’t help but be curious to try one. How fucked up is that? My masochistic side needs to shut the fuck up. lol

  • Makes water boarding sound fun. 😉

  • @Eliot: I know what you mean. Even after I read Thursday’s Child’s review, I still wanted to try it for myself. But really… I think you would regret it.

  • @Eliot and @Epiphora: I have the same reaction, knowing it’s horrible kind of just makes me want to try it for myself so I can know just -how- horrible it is. At the same time, though… ouch.

  • Alpine Subdreams

    I saw your review on my feeder and had to make a point to come over and comment. That thing does look like it would hurt but like you and @Eliot I still want to try it for myself. Although, it would be a waste of time and money.

  • Backseat Boohoo

    WTF, what is the point of making something out of glass if you’re going to use a material that isn’t 100% sanitary like TPR, and mold that TPR in to something that sucks at life?

    This is a waste of my favorite color. >=(

  • @Scarlet Lotus @Alpine Subdreams: YOU GUYS. DON’T. I’M BEGGING YOU!

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  • So the ticklers are STUCK? I thought they were maybe some sort of sleeve.

    Seriously, though, you made me laugh. And it’s not just cause I’m super effing tired.

  • @Adriana: Oh yes, they’re stuck. Individually. Like someone made them with an icing tube or something.

  • Baby Sinead

    Omg I tested a vibrator made entirely of those spikes. It was horrible, I got it in my vagina(which was hard enough) and wanted to die. It feels kind of nice vibe-ing on my clit but those “Taffy ticklers” should not be used in insertion.

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  • Ansley

    I’ve tried a “taffy tickler”, too. Nice on the clit. Not on the inside. Thanks for the hilarious review!

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  • Kona Carambola

    I was at a shop yesterday and saw something very similar to this and thought ‘oh my god… WHY? And how NASTY would that get??’ and my husband just picked it up, shook his head, looked at me, put it back and just walked away, shaking his head. Your review just confirmed everything we both thought about that evil, nasty (and not in a good way!) little thing.

  • I have been thinking “that has to hurt” every single time I see this ‘feature’ on a toy. I can’t help but also think how hellish it must be to clean. The only thing I could imagine it being useful for is on a clit toy, but I think even that would be too scratchy and rough. Why can’t they just do bumps instead, or that grippy texture Big Tease Toys uses on it’s toy line on the grip-band? That’d be awesome paired with glass for insertion rather than just as a grip.

  • Hey- is there something up with your wordpress? this is showing up as the best of the best on top of the page… but you didnt seem to like it? Weird..

  • @Darling Dove: “The Best of the Best” is a section for my favorite reviews/posts I’ve written, not my favorite toys.

  • Selective Sensualist

    Yikes! This is verification to me to always, always trust my gut instinct. And my gut instinct told me those glass toys with “silicone” ticklers would NOT tickle me pink. Thanks for taking one for the team and verifying our suspicions.

  • Bri

    These toys are a cruel joke played upon the vagina by some clueless man. THIS review should be in the best of the best. I laughed all the way thru, well, when I wasn’t cringing for your vagina.

  • Sarah Marlatt

    I think I’d rather have this as a decoration than a dildo. I couldn’t bring myself to sell it if I had it, and I’d have to buy it, but I couldn’t get rid of it, and yet I could never use it.

  • LinToxic

    Hahahaha! Yeah, my vagina cried just looking at it.

  • Jillian Boyd

    I got sent loveballs to review with exactly that spiky spiny texture. They are currently languishing in an old handbag, unused but periodically reminding me that this aesthetic should have really gone nowhere beyond those body piercings from the late 90s.

  • Rin

    The Taffy Tickler line seems to be at its best strictly as interesting, if tacky, sexual art. I’ve never tried them myself, since I like only the mildest of textures and something even halfway as crazy as this would result in what I like to call “texture death,” but I actually did once watch of a video review done by someone who really enjoyed the Taffy Tickler Water G. I guess every sex toy has at least one fan.

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