Dec 172013
 

“Glamorous” is not at all a word I would use to describe my life, yet the world continues thinking my days are filled with orgasms and sunshine. My job is sweet, I’ll give you that, but unless your definition of “glamorous” includes Photoshopping hairs off dildos, it’s not usually thrilling.

On Friday, December 6th, I had the idea to document my day for your consumption. While this day didn’t include one of my signature marathon masturbation sessions, it was filled with many mundane yet very characteristic-of-my-life tasks, such as answering an avalanche of emails, tirelessly photographing sex toys, wrangling a sneaky cat, preparing a post, and yes — masturbating.

9:00 am: I wake up to see it snowing outside. The first snow of the season. It’s so pretty. A cat feels me waking up and scootches up the bed to purr in my ear. I think about how I need to take pictures of sex toys in the snow today. I also compose this tweet in my head, which of course was better before my brain fog wore off:

Tweet: "Do not give charts, graphs, or scientific 'facts' to susceptible bloggers; they will regard and tout them as true."

Scratching the cat’s cheek, I think of a hilarious line for my Minna Limon review: “it charges the way lemons usually charge.”

9:20: Pour a heaping cup of coffee with creamer, but the world is very cold and I need more warmth. I put a heating pad on my lap, but somebody steals it.

The heating pad thief

9:30: Doing a preliminary sift through my emails, I find a lot of sex toy sales that need to be added to my sales and deals page. I place banners on the page and add some text about which toys I recommend people buy. I remember that I cringe every time I link to my Mia 2 review (because I spent a lot of time complaining about the marketing of it, and less about how I actually really like the toy), so I make a note to edit that review. Put the new sales on Pinterest.

9:50: Put up a Tumblr post, schedule another.

10:00: Help a fellow blogger on Twitter by recommending WordPress plugin Search Regex for easily changing a bunch of links. Since she just bought a domain for her blog, I change her link in my blogroll.

10:15: I add Limon (which I just got in the mail yesterday) to my toybox and upcoming reviews section, then start a draft in WordPress, inputting affiliate links. I jot down a list of toys I could photograph in the snow. This list will turn out to be laughably ambitious.

10:30: Go into Feedly and open some recent toy reviews from bloggers. I am interested to see what Lilly thinks of the Leaf+ Fresh, what Redhead Bedhead thinks of the Lovelife Adventure, and what Dizzygirl thinks of the We-Vibe 4. File away these opinions for future reference.

11:00: My boyfriend is about to leave for work. I jet to the kitchen to wash the vag goo off the Limon so I can show it to him. He is more impressed than usual, which is to say, only marginally impressed.

11:30: I find an affiliate check in my purse, so I add it to my spreadsheet of commission payments and deposit it electronically with my phone. FINALLY, my bank has a check capture feature on their app, and it is glorious. This makes me ponder switching to paper checks for affiliate programs that pay via PayPal and take out fees.

11:45: I make a playlist to take pictures of dildos to. This is not the first playlist with this theme that I’ve made.

Taking pictures of dildos playlist

12:00 pm: I have the idea to do this post and start backtracking to figure out when I did certain things. This may or may not taint how I spend the rest of my day. Maybe it will make me more productive. I CAN DREAM.

12:05: I have 40 tabs open right now.

12:13: At some point I put the heating pad on the floor for my feet, then forget to keep my feet on it, and somebody steals it AGAIN.

12:35: Prepping to go outside to take photos of toys in the snow. Should I wear gloves? No, they’ll get fuzzies all over the toys. I say aloud to nobody, “I’m just going to have to die of hypothermia, that’s all.”

And that is just about what happens. I spend probably less than 5 minutes outside, wind blowing hard on my skin, taking photos of the Fun Factory Stronic Drei and the Minna Limon. Thank goodness for beautiful natural lighting —

Fun Factory Stronic Drei and Minna Limon in the snow

— but my photos of the Limon in the snow by itself (in a different, less sunny location) are shitty. I want to take more, but I’m freezing. I hustle back to the apartment and find that I can barely move my fingers to use the key in my door.

1:10 : Still recovering. Fingers thawing next to the heater. Decide to jack off with the Limon as a reward for almost dying. I watch a scene from Fuck Sasha Grey, where Kurt Lockwood puts a nylon dog bone in her ass.

Sasha Grey being a dog

1:20-2:00: Getting down to business, I turn on my playlist and prep the floor for photography by wiping it with all-purpose cleaner.  I take the Sybian out of the box it was shipped in and arrange it artfully. Nope, that angle isn’t good. Try another. Twirl it around. Crinkle the packing paper anew. Move the bag of attachments. Nope, I can still see shit in the background.

Finally, I get the right angle. I take over 100 photos, then realize that my nail polish matches the Sybian attachments and have to take more. I realize this might be a good time for an Instagram video, so I do that.

So this just came in the mail… #sybianguestbook

A post shared by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on

As always, my knees hurt.

2:48-2:56: Now that that’s out of the way, I’m ready for actual testing of the Sybian. I hoist it onto a soft chair and awkwardly mount it, still wearing my pajama pants, without any attachments. It takes me about 8 minutes to have an orgasm, which feels like a long time considering I’m not watching porn — just jamming to Lady Gaga’s “Swine.”

3:15: Ravenously consume some toast slathered with peanut butter.

3:30-5:30: Add 50+ affiliate links to the recently-launched Lovehoney Australia. Do some work for my “day job” at a sex toy shop, promoting a local roller derby.

6:00: The boyfriend is home and has granted my wish for sleazy Chinese food. I ask if he wants to have sex to test the Sybian together. He is not enthused, so we eat instead, watching Paranormal WitnessThe episode, which is about a haunted restaurant, is like a cross between Kitchen Nightmares and Paranormal Activity.

7:10: I feel the Chinese food slump coming on, so I gulp down a Monster Pure Zero and prepare to conquer my inbox. I reply to emails from all kinds of sources:

  • a reader asking about imperfections in VixSkin
  • a LELO rep who is sending me a new set of Hula Beads due to “imperfections”
  • several people who claimed to want to buy advertising on my site, then dropped off the planet
  • a winner of my latest giveaway whose package is stuck in Kentucky
  • a guy wanting to buy advertising who wants to know, “I noticed you also conduct reviews and you place company names within the articles, is that all part of the advertising fee below?” (hint: NO)
  • a dude wanting me to join his obscure affiliate program
  • a random-ass company wanting to send me the We-Vibe Thrill for no apparent reason
  • a cam site wanting me to review them
  • Nexus wanting me to review their new Bisous
  • a dude with the most intense plan for a condom promo ever

And this I don’t even know what to do with — I’m awestruck — so I just ignore it:

I am interested in a possible link exchange to help me possibly build traffic. This site differs from any other adult site on the internet. 15% of ALL profits is going in the form of donatios to The Kidney Foundation and to Indiana Organ Procurement. You see my wife is in 3rd stage kidney failure. Her diagnosis was Polycestic Kidney Disease, so I do hope you will consider a link exchange and if you do, I am greatly appreciative. My website URL is….http:// www.xxxslutporn.wordpress.com. thank you for your time and consideration!

But all of the heartache of answering emails is balanced out by one amazing fan letter thanking me for the language I use. “You tend not to use gendered pronouns much when talking about bits,” it reads, “and that makes it feel like my birthday every time I read a review.”

9:50: Finally, I clean all the dirty toys that were residing on the kitchen counter, transferring them from the dirty side of the sink to the clean side.

Sex toys drying on the counter

I dry them off and put them away. Well, I try. The “pending review” toys do not fit in the two designated testing drawers. I’m going to need to reorganize soon.

10:45: I cannot publish my Sybian post having only tried the thing once, so I set out to do more in-depth testing. I mount the toy on my exercise mat in the living room so I can watch my porn. Saran wrap it up. Get it all sweaty and gross and hurt my wrists doing so. Afterward, I peel myself off everything, peel the saran wrap off, and text this picture to a friend who asked for nudes for her new phone. Close enough.

The Sybian on my exercise mat... with lube nearby

11:05: Pour a glass of wine and dive into the Sybian post full bore. This includes looking up Sybian videos on YouTube, and unfortunately experiencing the Octomom one.

1:30 am: My post is almost done, and my boyfriend is in the kitchen making little smokies with grape jelly and BBQ sauce for a family Christmas shindig tomorrow. I burn some CDs for the ride so that I don’t have to endure my mom’s Three Doors Down or Hinder. The boyfriend wraps a white elephant gift for the occasion, and I have to say to him, “Um, do you realize that’s a penis bag? Those are penis snowflakes.” He had no idea.

2:30: My Aussie friend, Sundae, needs laptop advice, so I tell her all about why I just ordered a Lenovo Yoga 2 Pro. I also send her my Sybian review to read and schedule the post for tomorrow. Normally this is the point at which I’d schedule tweets about the post, but I’m having too much fun with Sundae.

Sundae: I have so many questions
Sundae: HOW
Sundae: WHY
Sundae: MICROBIOLOGIST
Sundae: DEATH GIFT
Epiphora: I KNOW BUT LIKE, AT SOME POINT
Epiphora: DON’T ASK QUESTIONS
Epiphora: JUST TAKE THE SYBIAN
Sundae: I feel like I wanna ride it like a theme park ride
Sundae: pay for a ride
Sundae: then that is sufficient
Sundae: not again, thanks

3:00: I begin Skyping with Sundae, who apparently was unaware of the Wayback Machine. We compare old versions of the Sybian website, which APPARENTLY HAVE NOT CHANGED AT ALL BETWEEN 1997 AND 2013.

Always the internet sleuth, Sundae unearths this Howard Stern interview with the creator of the Sybian for us to watch. It’s creepy and super awkward (he keeps refusing to answer questions: “we won’t answer that”), but the part where he “helps” Raven Alexis ride the Sybian is 10,000x creepier. I am literally frowning with disgust the entire time. He rubs her lower back, murmuring to her, “get that poison out of your system, Raven.” I am traumatized. And laughing in a stilted way. But mostly traumatized.

5:30: Sleep, finally.

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