Nov 022017
 

Size Matters clit pump

Whip out your genitals and prepare to get huge, y’all, because we’re doing something different today. It’s a video review! Featuring more than just me! And it’s about CLIT PUMPS!

Pumps are designed to suction onto your genitals, creating a vacuum to increase blood flow and facilitate enlargement (temporarily, unless you’re really diligent). For this review, I recruited my friend Sid, who wrote a guest review of the Bro Sleeve on here a while back. I’m cisgender and he’s trans, so I wanted to discuss our different reasons for being interested in clit pumps and what we each thought after trying one for a while. The pump we tried was the Size Matters pump, provided to us by She Bop and Early to Bed.

Now, you could simply read the transcript below. But I highly recommend watching/listening to the video because a) our banter is wonderful, b) we’re cute as fuck, and c) I spent an inordinate amount of time working on this thing and I require validation. Besides, there are bloopers at the end and you can hear Boris yell at us.

Epiphora: Hi, internet! Are you ready to pump it up? This is my friend Sid. I am Epiphora, I’m a sex toy reviewer at HeyEpiphora.com. Today we’re both going to be discussing our experiences with a clit pump.

Epiphora: One of the reasons I wanted to do this review was to get our different experiences. I’m cis, I’ve always wanted to try a clit pump, but not necessarily for long-term growth. I just kind of wanted to try it and see what it felt like, and see if it would increase sensation for me using toys afterward or if I liked how it looked or something like that. So, I’m curious, what drew you specifically — drew you — to this pump?

Sid: I guess I was just curious if it would like, you know, enhance your experience or make you more sensitive. And just after taking T (testosterone) for a while, I was kind of just like, “let’s see how big this thing can get.”

Epiphora: Let’s keep going, yeah!

Sid: [in a dudebro voice] I would like two inches bro.

Epiphora: Well, how long have you been on it now? Several years, right?

Sid: Yeah, it’s been like three years.

Epiphora: See, we both had goals, they were just different. Different hopes and dreams. Aspirations for our genitals.

Sid: And you know, like most things, my dreams die.

Epiphora: [laughs] Wow. It’s getting dark, it’s getting really dark. This clit pump review is getting dark already.

The pump that we both tried, it’s made by Size Matters and it was sent to us by She Bop and Early to Bed who graciously made our pumping dreams a reality, so thank you to them. This product comes in a box that is very pink.

Sid: It’s got flowers, it’s got everything you could want in a clit pump box, basically.

Epiphora: It also comes with this bullet vibrator, which, I don’t know why. Did you ever use it? I don’t use that kind of—

Sid: Best sex toy ever.

Epiphora: I don’t use shitty bullet vibrators, so I just don’t even know where I put it.

Sid: I never even took it out of the box.

Epiphora: So, we reviewed this thoroughly.

It’s made of plastic, right? So, it’s a plastic pump, but then the cylinders are acrylic and it comes with three different cylinders in three different sizes (0.5″, 0.75″, and 1″ diameter). The construction of the pump was not my favorite.

Sid: No, me either.

Epiphora: It works, but She Bop actually does have a different pump that has much better construction. It’s made with brass and it’s really heavy-duty, and I don’t see how it could ever possibly fall apart. That one is from LA Pump and there are a ton of cylinders for that one as well. There’s a penis cylinder, there are pussy cylinders, there are all different diameters of cylinder… there are a lot of choices, but it is more expensive.

The more heavy-duty LA Pump, with a variety of cylinders sold separately.

The more heavy-duty LA Pump, with a variety of cylinders sold separately.

Sid: Let’s talk about size.

Epiphora: Size. Size of cylinders, or size of our genitals? Or both?

Sid: Well—

Epiphora: Or size of our hearts?

Sid: I was thinking our hearts, but since we’re doing this video, maybe we should do the cylinders. Which one did you start with?

Epiphora: I started with and stayed with the smallest cylinder because my clit is tiny. In fact, one of the things that I disliked about the product was that it didn’t target my clit enough because it wasn’t small enough, and therefore it kind of pumped all my labia, my inner labia, too. Which wasn’t what I wanted, so it felt weird. All my notes just kept saying, “I think my labia are in there?”

Sid: Were you like, “holy shit, look at my clit… and maybe labia… inside this thing”?

Epiphora: It is really interesting looking. In a kind of creepy, kind of cool way, right? Like, it definitely pulls a lot of your genitals up into it, like an inch or more.

Sid: I will say that might be worth the cost. Like if you want to see your genitals like you’ve never seen them before, this will definitely do that.

Epiphora: Which cylinder did you prefer, though?

Sid: I think I preferred the biggest one. I didn’t try it because I thought it would be too big. So, it wasn’t just until recently I tried it. And then I was like, “oh, wow, this actually works,” and it was a little more comfortable.

Epiphora: Oh, interesting. I mean, did you generally feel like it was uncomfortable to put it on and have it on your body?

Sid: No, I mean, I wouldn’t say it was uncomfortable. It wasn’t comfortable, it was just awkward.

Epiphora: It’s definitely a really strong suction sensation. But once it’s on, it’s actually not terrible. What setting were you using? -5 is what I usually did.

Sid: Yeah, that’s what I usually did, too. -5.

Epiphora: Because otherwise, that’s when it starts to feel uncomfortable, and like it’s pulling too much and it’s too strong. How long did you leave it on?

Sid: Ten to fifteen minutes on average.

Epiphora: I actually would leave it on for a while, a few times. Like thirty minutes, once even forty minutes.

Sid: Damn.

Epiphora: I’m not really sure why I did it. I don’t know what the protocol is, how long you’re supposed to.

Sid: I mean, I don’t know if there’s a set time—

Epiphora: Also, we’re not medical professionals. So, don’t listen to us. We don’t know.

Sid: If you can believe that.

Epiphora: I know we look like doctors, but we’re not.

Sid: I get told that all the time. Firefighter.

Epiphora: Is that what you get? Lumberjack?

Sid: Lumberjack.

Epiphora: Policeman.

Sid: Model.

Epiphora: Right, of course.

Size Matters pump.

Size Matters pump.

Epiphora: Well, part of the problem is it’s kind of a logistical nightmare to use this.

Sid: Yeah.

Epiphora: This was my biggest problem, almost, with this product. You have to really set aside the time, you have to spread your legs. You have to either be naked or some weird situation. I had to use my shitty pajama pants that have a hole in the crotch. That was perfect.

Sid: I would put my pajama pants over it and then I would be like schwing!

Epiphora: Exactly! I mean, it suctions really well, and it’s not going to dislodge easily, but it’s basically something you have to really be wanting to do at that moment.

Sid: Yeah, for sure. You kind of have to commit to it. Like, “okay, I’m going to do this for however long.”

Epiphora: Oh good, my phone is telling me to use my pump.

Epiphora: I didn’t find it particularly arousing, either. Did you?

Sid: No, not really. I mean, I think just in the way that my clit was like, “ooh, somebody’s paying attention to me.”

Epiphora: Right. The only time I felt like it was kind of arousing was if I tapped it or moved it a little bit. But yeah, it was the same sort of thing where I was like, “hm, my clit exists. Interesting.” It was fine, but I wouldn’t use it as a method of achieving arousal, personally.

Sid: No.

Epiphora: I don’t know. There are other things I’d rather do that would work better for me, like using some sort of stimulating gel on my clit or watching porn or something like that. I’d rather do those things.

I did try this pump on my friend Stella Harris, who is also a sex educator, and she said something really interesting. Well, she used it on me first, and then when she saw the results of it I said, “well, what do you think? Do you like how it looks? Is it appealing to you, does it matter at all?” She said:

Well, I’ve never been presented with someone’s genitals where I was like “oh, this isn’t my style.” So, that’s never happened. But I feel like there is something sexy about it in a primal, bonobo way. Even if it doesn’t actually mean you’re more aroused, I feel like we interpret swelling as arousal, so looking at it is kind of arousing because at a basic level, I read it as arousal.

She went down on me first and then she went down on me after I used the pump. And I said, “hm, okay. Feels really similar.”

Sid: Oh yeah?

Epiphora: The only difference is I could kind of tell that my clit was bigger. There’s just that sensation that it’s bigger. But in terms of feeling, I don’t think that it really enhanced anything. In fact, I think it maybe de-enhanced things slightly because when she would suck on it, I was like, “oh, okay that’s a little much,” whereas before it wasn’t. So, it made me more “sensitive” maybe, but not necessarily in a good way.

Sid: Yeah. Yeah, I feel the same way I think.

Epiphora: Is it a desensitization, or is it the opposite? I kind of couldn’t figure that out half the time. Because sometimes I would use a toy and it would feel like I was numb almost, more numb. And other times I’d use a toy and it would feel almost like my clit was really tender. Which wasn’t good. So, ultimately I didn’t really feel like it enhanced using toys or having sex or doing anything after using it, at least in the sort of genital sensation realm.

Sid: Yeah, I would say for me, I wouldn’t do it to necessarily enhance the purely physical experience of it, but I might use it to enhance the visual experience of it. Sort of the physical experience in more of like, ooh, I can feel myself being bigger. I think the most pleasure overall I got from this was taking nudes after using it.

Epiphora: Oh good. Excellent.

Sid: Especially from far away, I was like, “wow, man, I’m really shinin’ out.”

Epiphora: Oh, so you set up the camera and like—

Sid: No. I just held it.

Epiphora: Oh, okay. I pictured you with a tripod and I got really excited about that.

Sid: And me taking nudes, I took like two or something.

Epiphora: Right. Of course.

Sid: But that’s a lot for me.

Epiphora: Right.

Sid: But yeah, I did like the way it looked.

Epiphora: So, overall I felt like this product did not really help me with sensation after I used it and wasn’t something that I think people should specifically buy for that purpose. But who do you think it’s a good product for?

Sid: I would say if you want long-term growth, I think it can do that. I think you have to be pretty diligent about it and probably use it over even a longer period than we did. If you want temporary growth, it’s really good for that. Before you play with somebody else, before you play with yourself, or just visually speaking, I think it’d be great for somebody who has any sort of dysphoria or just likes to look bigger. If that doesn’t bring you pleasure, I don’t know if just the mechanics of what the pump does is necessarily going to be super pleasurable for people.

Size Matters Max Twist Clit & Nipple Set., a cheaper alternative.

Size Matters Max Twist Clit & Nipple Triple Sucker Set, a cheaper alternative.

Epiphora: That’s why the little Max Twist suckers that we both tried are actually a really good alternative, because those are $25, you get three of them — one for each nipple and one for your clit, I guess, right?

Sid: Yeah, that’s what it’s supposed to be.

Epiphora: For all the parts! And it’s just a little plastic cylinder that you twist to create suction. So, if you wanted to see what it feels like, that’s a good way to see what it feels like before you spend a bunch of money.

Sid: Go pump up your self-esteem.

Epiphora: Oh, it can pump up your self-esteem! That’s cute.

Sid: Is it?

Epiphora: Yeah, they should use that as a slogan or something.

Thanks so much to She Bop and Early to Bed for supplying us with these pumps, and thanks to you for watching this video. If you have any more questions for us, leave them in the comments section. And thank you, Sid, so much for all of your dedication to pumping. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us. All of us. The whole world.

Sid: No problem.

Epiphora: It’s been a pleasure doing business with you. Alright, bye everybody.

Sid: Bye!

Wanna try pumping? Get the Size Matters pump at Early to Bed, the LA Pump at She Bop,
or save some cash and start with the Max Twist Clit & Nipple Triple Sucker Set.

  • mycommentingthing

    I tried this (cis female). It may as well be a gag gift. Slipped it on, hit the suction thing and boom – it sucked my pee out. So…if you ever need to give a urine sample and “just can’t go”, slip this bad boy on.

  • Samizdata

    Wouldn’t it be more fun as part of co-play with a partner?

  • I did try it with a partner, as I mention in the video.

  • Samizdata

    I know. I meant more as part of a (not sure of the term here) scene? Not just the sensation per se, but the act too.

  • We tried it during sex.

  • Samizdata

    Oh, wow. That sucks then. Sorry.

    (Pun not intended.)

  • Elsie Carroll

    Came for Boris, stayed for the beautiful shade of blue you have on your walls. Great review!

  • Thank you! I chose it myself and am forever pleased about it.

  • K. Piet

    Fantastic review, and something that I really wanted to know about as a genderfluid, masculine-leaning individual with a LOT of dysphoria. I remember even e-mailing you about this exact topic! I feel like my questions were heard and my prayers for pump reviews were answered! HALLE-fucking-LUJAH!

  • Candice E Williams

    Could the two of you be any cuter? And Boris my favorite nudist.
    I tried a pussy pump ages ago and it looked cool, but I lost most of my sensation.

  • Scott Robertson

    liked the blue too!!! – great review on top of the nails

  • cg

    I have a different model with the same kind of cylinders and also tried those cheaper screw things before, and have to say about the screw ones, I thought they really sucked (ha). The opening is super wide so it sucks even more of the surrounding tissue in, and it’s not very deep. When I tried it I filled the whole thing up and it did no target my clit at all. The cylinder one works so much better as to be night & day imo.

  • Sophia

    WHERE IS THAT HITACHI NECKLACE FROM???

    Also, great review, very informative, well-done and easy to follow. Have been excited for this review for a while ago. Pumping enhances sensation for me, personally, but the world needs differing opinions.

  • Morgan Ryan

    Omg I misunderstood how this video would work.i thought you were going to test them while filming, with the genitals off screen but we’d see your reaction. Totally thought you were sitting next tovwach other bottomless. Though I suppose that part could still be true XD

  • ShriektheMighty

    I bought this exact pump ages ago when I was hoping (as a nonbinary trans person) to get some growth without going on T, and honestly I hate it. Maybe the one I bought was just defective or something, but once I achieved the suction I was looking for, I had to keep pumping every few seconds to maintain the same level of suction. And like you mentioned, I ended up getting more labia than clit in the chamber most of the time. Plus, the handle would frequently get jammed to the point where I couldn’t pull it at all and would have to fiddle with it for a few minutes to get it working again. It ended up making me feel more dysphoric about my genitals than anything. I got it in my head that if my clit was so small that even the smallest size got more of my practically non-existent inner labia than my clit, then I was doomed to never have the size I was hoping for. Add onto that the fact that I had the same weird combination of numbness and hyper sensitivity that you described afterwards, and I feel kind of turned off pumping.

  • My girlfriend designed it and then had an Etsy seller create it!

  • I’m so glad you shared your experience here, and I feel validated that you experienced a similar thing with labia and sensitivity/desensitivity.

    I will say the Size Matters pump does have some quirks (some of which we discussed when we shot this video but I edited out). Such as: every time I got it out I’d have to pull the level so hard it felt like I was about to break it, until it made a horrible popping noise. Then it was OK to use. Secondly, I often found I hadn’t attached the cylinder completely to the hose, which would cause it not to suction as well. You have to make sure to push it in until it clicks. I found that it suctioned quite well as long as it was properly attached beforehand.

  • Bex

    I have the LA Pumpworks pump and the clit cylinder (not the FTM cylinder tho) and I absolutely love it. I started using it when I first started T and used it every day, 15 min a day, for like, 6 weeks and saw drastic growth. I can’s sat if that growth would have happened with the T either way or if the pump helped but I feel like it did.

  • Awesome! Thank you so much for sharing that info. That is an impressive amount of growth!

  • taylor_serenil

    This was an interesting and informative review, which I pretty much expected from the start. I watched the full video, and am now thinking “this is not sounding like something I want to try based on having to put in a noticeable time and energy commitment for questionable results pleasure-wise” so thanks bunches for you and Sid being willing to discuss your reactions in detail.

    (I’m basically cis but I probably qualify for an autism spectrum sensory issues diagnosis, so a lot of toys that many many people love don’t work for *me* and having fine motor issues in my hands doesn’t help that.)

    Also, I always adore when your cats make appearances (and yeah, cats are always dicks even the lady ones but I’m *hopefully* about to adopt a feline leukemia positive but otherwise healthy lady tabby anyway because I miss having kitteh attitude in my life. I am currently reading this in *my* shitty pajama pants that are fraying out in the crotch area for extra amusement points.)

    + 1 to “your walls are an awesome shade of blue”, so go you for picking it out.

  • tonyinabag

    They also make something billed as a ‘buddy tube’ where the main tube from the pump splits off into two, so you and a friend can be pumped at the same time. I never tried that with mine so can’t vouch for how it feels.

  • tonyinabag

    I always wanted a pump … until I actually got one and then used it probably 3-4 times. It was such an ordeal to use and – like Bex mentioned below – it never really kept the suction (mine was a shitty plastic one too from some super bargain website so thats probably part of why it was terrible).

    My old standby for years though? Snake bite kits. Small enough that you don’t have to wrangle with your clothes, easily controlled suction by squeezing harder or softer, and they’re like 10 bucks at the sporting goods store. (adding a vibrator to them is pretty rad as well).

    ALSO – hello Sid, you are super cute. 😀

  • Natt Steer

    Always awesome to see you E! I’ve used those twisty pumps and other cheaper pussy/clit pumps in the past. I recently bought a cupping set that included a very small clit sized cup. I occasionally suffer from a desensitised clit due to different meds and disabilities and it the pump can help. And clamps. Clamps only work after you take them off – they stop the blood flow so you feel the pleasure when you remove the clamps and then have them played with. They shouldn’t hurt while on and look out for colour changes or numbness and should only be on for about 15 minutes at a time (but you can do it repeatedly in a session). A pump works in the opposite way and floods the area with blood making it more sensitive, so again only really work after you take it off.

  • Natt Steer

    And lube. You gotta lube that bad boy up if you want a good seal.

  • Stabbin Robots

    Fun banter. Sid is so cute :3
    I have a suction bulb and am not entirely enamoured, so I might try out the Maxtwist ones. I like that you get three!

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