Nov 022017
 

Size Matters clit pump

Whip out your genitals and prepare to get huge, y’all, because we’re doing something different today. It’s a video review! Featuring more than just me! And it’s about CLIT PUMPS!

Pumps are designed to suction onto your genitals, creating a vacuum to increase blood flow and facilitate enlargement (temporarily, unless you’re really diligent). For this review, I recruited my friend Sid, who wrote a guest review of the Bro Sleeve on here a while back. I’m cisgender and he’s trans, so I wanted to discuss our different reasons for being interested in clit pumps and what we each thought after trying one for a while. The pump we tried was the Size Matters pump, provided to us by She Bop and Early to Bed.

Now, you could simply read the transcript below. But I highly recommend watching/listening to the video because a) our banter is wonderful, b) we’re cute as fuck, and c) I spent an inordinate amount of time working on this thing and I require validation. Besides, there are bloopers at the end and you can hear Boris yell at us.

Epiphora: Hi, internet! Are you ready to pump it up? This is my friend Sid. I am Epiphora, I’m a sex toy reviewer at HeyEpiphora.com. Today we’re both going to be discussing our experiences with a clit pump.

Epiphora: One of the reasons I wanted to do this review was to get our different experiences. I’m cis, I’ve always wanted to try a clit pump, but not necessarily for long-term growth. I just kind of wanted to try it and see what it felt like, and see if it would increase sensation for me using toys afterward or if I liked how it looked or something like that. So, I’m curious, what drew you specifically — drew you — to this pump?

Sid: I guess I was just curious if it would like, you know, enhance your experience or make you more sensitive. And just after taking T (testosterone) for a while, I was kind of just like, “let’s see how big this thing can get.”

Epiphora: Let’s keep going, yeah!

Sid: [in a dudebro voice] I would like two inches bro.

Epiphora: Well, how long have you been on it now? Several years, right?

Sid: Yeah, it’s been like three years.

Epiphora: See, we both had goals, they were just different. Different hopes and dreams. Aspirations for our genitals.

Sid: And you know, like most things, my dreams die.

Epiphora: [laughs] Wow. It’s getting dark, it’s getting really dark. This clit pump review is getting dark already.

The pump that we both tried, it’s made by Size Matters and it was sent to us by She Bop and Early to Bed who graciously made our pumping dreams a reality, so thank you to them. This product comes in a box that is very pink.

Sid: It’s got flowers, it’s got everything you could want in a clit pump box, basically.

Epiphora: It also comes with this bullet vibrator, which, I don’t know why. Did you ever use it? I don’t use that kind of—

Sid: Best sex toy ever.

Epiphora: I don’t use shitty bullet vibrators, so I just don’t even know where I put it.

Sid: I never even took it out of the box.

Epiphora: So, we reviewed this thoroughly.

It’s made of plastic, right? So, it’s a plastic pump, but then the cylinders are acrylic and it comes with three different cylinders in three different sizes (0.5″, 0.75″, and 1″ diameter). The construction of the pump was not my favorite.

Sid: No, me either.

Epiphora: It works, but She Bop actually does have a different pump that has much better construction. It’s made with brass and it’s really heavy-duty, and I don’t see how it could ever possibly fall apart. That one is from LA Pump and there are a ton of cylinders for that one as well. There’s a penis cylinder, there are pussy cylinders, there are all different diameters of cylinder… there are a lot of choices, but it is more expensive.

The more heavy-duty LA Pump, with a variety of cylinders sold separately.

The more heavy-duty LA Pump, with a variety of cylinders sold separately.

Sid: Let’s talk about size.

Epiphora: Size. Size of cylinders, or size of our genitals? Or both?

Sid: Well—

Epiphora: Or size of our hearts?

Sid: I was thinking our hearts, but since we’re doing this video, maybe we should do the cylinders. Which one did you start with?

Epiphora: I started with and stayed with the smallest cylinder because my clit is tiny. In fact, one of the things that I disliked about the product was that it didn’t target my clit enough because it wasn’t small enough, and therefore it kind of pumped all my labia, my inner labia, too. Which wasn’t what I wanted, so it felt weird. All my notes just kept saying, “I think my labia are in there?”

Sid: Were you like, “holy shit, look at my clit… and maybe labia… inside this thing”?

Epiphora: It is really interesting looking. In a kind of creepy, kind of cool way, right? Like, it definitely pulls a lot of your genitals up into it, like an inch or more.

Sid: I will say that might be worth the cost. Like if you want to see your genitals like you’ve never seen them before, this will definitely do that.

Epiphora: Which cylinder did you prefer, though?

Sid: I think I preferred the biggest one. I didn’t try it because I thought it would be too big. So, it wasn’t just until recently I tried it. And then I was like, “oh, wow, this actually works,” and it was a little more comfortable.

Epiphora: Oh, interesting. I mean, did you generally feel like it was uncomfortable to put it on and have it on your body?

Sid: No, I mean, I wouldn’t say it was uncomfortable. It wasn’t comfortable, it was just awkward.

Epiphora: It’s definitely a really strong suction sensation. But once it’s on, it’s actually not terrible. What setting were you using? -5 is what I usually did.

Sid: Yeah, that’s what I usually did, too. -5.

Epiphora: Because otherwise, that’s when it starts to feel uncomfortable, and like it’s pulling too much and it’s too strong. How long did you leave it on?

Sid: Ten to fifteen minutes on average.

Epiphora: I actually would leave it on for a while, a few times. Like thirty minutes, once even forty minutes.

Sid: Damn.

Epiphora: I’m not really sure why I did it. I don’t know what the protocol is, how long you’re supposed to.

Sid: I mean, I don’t know if there’s a set time—

Epiphora: Also, we’re not medical professionals. So, don’t listen to us. We don’t know.

Sid: If you can believe that.

Epiphora: I know we look like doctors, but we’re not.

Sid: I get told that all the time. Firefighter.

Epiphora: Is that what you get? Lumberjack?

Sid: Lumberjack.

Epiphora: Policeman.

Sid: Model.

Epiphora: Right, of course.

Size Matters pump.

Size Matters pump.

Epiphora: Well, part of the problem is it’s kind of a logistical nightmare to use this.

Sid: Yeah.

Epiphora: This was my biggest problem, almost, with this product. You have to really set aside the time, you have to spread your legs. You have to either be naked or some weird situation. I had to use my shitty pajama pants that have a hole in the crotch. That was perfect.

Sid: I would put my pajama pants over it and then I would be like schwing!

Epiphora: Exactly! I mean, it suctions really well, and it’s not going to dislodge easily, but it’s basically something you have to really be wanting to do at that moment.

Sid: Yeah, for sure. You kind of have to commit to it. Like, “okay, I’m going to do this for however long.”

Epiphora: Oh good, my phone is telling me to use my pump.

Epiphora: I didn’t find it particularly arousing, either. Did you?

Sid: No, not really. I mean, I think just in the way that my clit was like, “ooh, somebody’s paying attention to me.”

Epiphora: Right. The only time I felt like it was kind of arousing was if I tapped it or moved it a little bit. But yeah, it was the same sort of thing where I was like, “hm, my clit exists. Interesting.” It was fine, but I wouldn’t use it as a method of achieving arousal, personally.

Sid: No.

Epiphora: I don’t know. There are other things I’d rather do that would work better for me, like using some sort of stimulating gel on my clit or watching porn or something like that. I’d rather do those things.

I did try this pump on my friend Stella Harris, who is also a sex educator, and she said something really interesting. Well, she used it on me first, and then when she saw the results of it I said, “well, what do you think? Do you like how it looks? Is it appealing to you, does it matter at all?” She said:

Well, I’ve never been presented with someone’s genitals where I was like “oh, this isn’t my style.” So, that’s never happened. But I feel like there is something sexy about it in a primal, bonobo way. Even if it doesn’t actually mean you’re more aroused, I feel like we interpret swelling as arousal, so looking at it is kind of arousing because at a basic level, I read it as arousal.

She went down on me first and then she went down on me after I used the pump. And I said, “hm, okay. Feels really similar.”

Sid: Oh yeah?

Epiphora: The only difference is I could kind of tell that my clit was bigger. There’s just that sensation that it’s bigger. But in terms of feeling, I don’t think that it really enhanced anything. In fact, I think it maybe de-enhanced things slightly because when she would suck on it, I was like, “oh, okay that’s a little much,” whereas before it wasn’t. So, it made me more “sensitive” maybe, but not necessarily in a good way.

Sid: Yeah. Yeah, I feel the same way I think.

Epiphora: Is it a desensitization, or is it the opposite? I kind of couldn’t figure that out half the time. Because sometimes I would use a toy and it would feel like I was numb almost, more numb. And other times I’d use a toy and it would feel almost like my clit was really tender. Which wasn’t good. So, ultimately I didn’t really feel like it enhanced using toys or having sex or doing anything after using it, at least in the sort of genital sensation realm.

Sid: Yeah, I would say for me, I wouldn’t do it to necessarily enhance the purely physical experience of it, but I might use it to enhance the visual experience of it. Sort of the physical experience in more of like, ooh, I can feel myself being bigger. I think the most pleasure overall I got from this was taking nudes after using it.

Epiphora: Oh good. Excellent.

Sid: Especially from far away, I was like, “wow, man, I’m really shinin’ out.”

Epiphora: Oh, so you set up the camera and like—

Sid: No. I just held it.

Epiphora: Oh, okay. I pictured you with a tripod and I got really excited about that.

Sid: And me taking nudes, I took like two or something.

Epiphora: Right. Of course.

Sid: But that’s a lot for me.

Epiphora: Right.

Sid: But yeah, I did like the way it looked.

Epiphora: So, overall I felt like this product did not really help me with sensation after I used it and wasn’t something that I think people should specifically buy for that purpose. But who do you think it’s a good product for?

Sid: I would say if you want long-term growth, I think it can do that. I think you have to be pretty diligent about it and probably use it over even a longer period than we did. If you want temporary growth, it’s really good for that. Before you play with somebody else, before you play with yourself, or just visually speaking, I think it’d be great for somebody who has any sort of dysphoria or just likes to look bigger. If that doesn’t bring you pleasure, I don’t know if just the mechanics of what the pump does is necessarily going to be super pleasurable for people.

Size Matters Max Twist Clit & Nipple Set., a cheaper alternative.

Size Matters Max Twist Clit & Nipple Triple Sucker Set, a cheaper alternative.

Epiphora: That’s why the little Max Twist suckers that we both tried are actually a really good alternative, because those are $25, you get three of them — one for each nipple and one for your clit, I guess, right?

Sid: Yeah, that’s what it’s supposed to be.

Epiphora: For all the parts! And it’s just a little plastic cylinder that you twist to create suction. So, if you wanted to see what it feels like, that’s a good way to see what it feels like before you spend a bunch of money.

Sid: Go pump up your self-esteem.

Epiphora: Oh, it can pump up your self-esteem! That’s cute.

Sid: Is it?

Epiphora: Yeah, they should use that as a slogan or something.

Thanks so much to She Bop and Early to Bed for supplying us with these pumps, and thanks to you for watching this video. If you have any more questions for us, leave them in the comments section. And thank you, Sid, so much for all of your dedication to pumping. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us. All of us. The whole world.

Sid: No problem.

Epiphora: It’s been a pleasure doing business with you. Alright, bye everybody.

Sid: Bye!

Wanna try pumping? Get the Size Matters pump at Early to Bed, the LA Pump at She Bop,
or save some cash and start with the Max Twist Clit & Nipple Triple Sucker Set.

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