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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Slush pile

These toys are THE WORST.

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PornSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Skinny Dipped

May 24, 2009
I have a thing for twinks. Luckily, I’m young enough that it’s not yet creepy, but sometimes watching twink porn...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Impulse Butterfly

April 5, 2009
Don’t ask me why I had to try a strap-on vibrator. I’m ashamed to admit that I ever thought it...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Bare With Me game

March 28, 2009
Bare With Me is a sex game, so unsurprisingly, the box is beyond ridiculous; it features a jungle scene with...
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Penis ToysSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Monkey Spanker

March 26, 2009
The Monkey Spanker is so weird-looking that my boyfriend had to try it. The toy consists of a plastic handle,...
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Pop ShotsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Pop Shot: Erotique Sheer Lace Gloves

March 22, 2009
I needed gloves to wear for my product videos. The Erotique Sheer Lace Gloves looked fairly cute. They’re black, lacy,...
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Anal ToysSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Deck the Halls butt plug

January 15, 2009
I’ve been longing to try a glass butt plug for a while now. Which is not to say I’m a...
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PornSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Bi Pole Her #3

December 24, 2008
Genre: BisexualDirector: Ed “Twinkle-Toes” Hunter (hey, that’s what it says on the cover…)Length: 2 hours, 33 minutes Cast: Nicole, Rick,...
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PornSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Star 69: Threesomes

December 11, 2008
Genre: Edited-down threesomesDirector: Varies by sceneLength: 3 hours and 43 minutes on each disc, 7 hours and 26 minutes altogetherCast:...
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PornSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: The Violation of Harmony

November 18, 2008
Genre: Lesbian, Feature Length: 98 minutes Cast: Harmony Rose, Monica Mayhem, Audrey Hollander, Gwen Summers, Holly Wellin, Jennifer Dark, Cameron...
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Positioning etc.Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Ride the Vibe

November 4, 2008
I don’t want to lead you on, so straight up: Ride the Vibe doesn’t work. I know. It has a...
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Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Durex Play Vibrations Focus

October 20, 2008
My boyfriend and I are big fans of Durex condoms. When we started having sex, we tried a few different...
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Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Her Perfect Fit

June 4, 2008
A somewhat bored-looking, lingerie-clad woman stares back at me from her position atop Her Perfect Fit. Three cute icons at...
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Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Sydnee’s Elegant Endeavor

November 2, 2007
I never thought of masturbation as “elegant,” nor have I ever described it as an “endeavor.” Perhaps if my experience with...
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Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Royal Wizard

October 9, 2007
The Royal Wizard from California Exotic Novelties has an intriguing shape and an interesting texture; it has a slightly curved head...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 4

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Table of dildos! And camera! And notebook! And laptops! And coffee!

15 rules for writing a sex toy review that doesn’t royally suck

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

Fun Factory Stronic G pulsator on a slab of white marble.

Review: Stronic G

Sex toys drying on the kitchen counter.

A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

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