Mar 312018
Piph Lube: get it now!

[Surprise! This wine-infused sparkly stoner lube was an April Fool’s joke.]

Feels like I’ve been waiting forever to tell you this and I’m nearly bursting at the seams. So I’m just gonna blurt it out: GUYS, I HAVE MY OWN LUBE NOW.

It was my BFFs over at SheVibe who helped me turn this dream into reality. They’ve never helped develop a lube before, but they were down for the challenge. Now, after many months of planning, designing, and testing, it is here. Introducing Piph Lube: a radically stimulating water-based lubricant formulated with pure Portland rain water.

This is the height of celebrity. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 202018
Review: Gala

My clit is a pretty sensitive creature. You’re going to need to know this going in. Take notes for the final test. When I haven’t had an orgasm yet, I can usually come during one of the lower settings of a vibrator — generally speaking, with good vibrators. I’ve been known to “just get the first orgasm out of the way” during my masturbation sessions; I’ve accepted that I come quickly at the beginning, so I figure, why fight it?

The We-Vibe Gala doesn’t even get me there. Even when it’s my first toy of the night. When I haven’t come yet. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 092018
How not to design a sex game

Why are sex games so bad?

This is an eternal question I ask myself regularly. I have a whole label in my Gmail for sex games, and it’s filled to the hilt with shitty, offensive products I’d never want to play in a million years, often including pleas for me to review them. (People love to say stuff like, “it’s not a sex toy, but it’s KIND OF A SEX TOY!”) Ha. Ha. Hahahaha.

Usually I just send the links to my girlfriend so we can ridicule the games in private, but I just got one that perfectly demonstrates everything that’s wrong with terrible sex games. [. . . read the rest]

Feb 282018
Review: Smooth Operators (Snazzy, Choosy, and Classy)

Blink and you might pass right over them. They’re not terribly attractive, not revolutionary in function, not aggressively marketed. These vibrators have no celebrity endorsement or PR campaign behind them, and I’d bet serious money they’ve never been mentioned in any mainstream magazine. You can judge a lot about a sex toy without holding it in your hands, but there’s one thing you can’t predict, and it’s the thing that matters most: vibration quality. This is where the Smooth Operators pleasantly surprised me.

The Toyfriend Smooth Operators — Snazzy, Choosy, and Classy — are made by a company named Tickler, and again, you could be forgiven for not knowing they even exist. [. . . read the rest]

Feb 132018
The clitoris: still the center of my universe
Or: why G-spot stimulation is not the pinnacle of pleasure.

Hi, my name’s Epiphora, and I almost always need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm.

I thought this was common knowledge, clueless as that may sound. I mean, I write about my genitals on the internet every day of my life — obviously people must know this about me? But something happened the other day that made me realize that may not be true. That perhaps I haven’t been explicit enough about the types of stimulation I like and how, logistically, that plays out in my sex toy testing.

Recently, I struck up a friendship with a new sex blogger named Wendy. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 312018
Review: SenseVibe

The SenseVibe, much to my dismay, is not a fortune-telling sex toy. It can’t give you the weather forecast or lift your mood. It cannot intuit what your vag or clit wants. It is, despite the enigmatic name, merely a rechargeable dual vibrator from a newish company named SenseMax.

I know what you’re gonna say. “Piph, you don’t even like rabbit-style toys, why would you want to try this one?” AN ASTUTE OBSERVATION, my friend, because yes — I am normally highly averse to dual vibes. They are very anatomy-specific, significantly less likely than other types of sex toys to properly align with genitals. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 212018
Layers of hurt

CN: sexual assault, consent violation, grey areas, Trump, Aziz.

This Christmas, every time I hugged my grandpa, he feigned outrage and yelled “sexual assault!”

At my boyfriend’s parents’ house, after dinner and presents and peppermint schnapps, our conversation veered into dangerous waters. Politics. Racism. Sexual harassment. Lies they’ve absorbed from Fox News, parroted back at us with alarming conviction. Beliefs so entrenched and toxic they felt impossible to dismantle; all our attempts seemed woefully inadequate.

The topic shifted to the recent wave of sexual assault allegations. You can’t even hug people anymore! they declared. The words collected at the back of my throat, my cheeks flushing hot, desperate for the perfect rebuttal. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 132018
Buzzy vs. rumbly vibrators: SEE & DISCERN the difference!

“Buzzy” and “rumbly” are words you’re bound to encounter if you spend any time in sex toy circles. These words, popularized by bloggers and educators such as yours truly, refer to the quality (not intensity!) of vibration, with buzzy characterized as a higher-frequency, surface-level vibration and rumbly as a lower-frequency, more robust vibration.

I’ve long posited — and, to be honest, stated as fact, because I’m just that presumptuous — the idea that rumblier vibrations are deeper and more penetrating. Well raise your glasses, mofos, because now I have SCIENCE and VIDEO to prove it!

Below are some video clips made by Jeff Spitzer, a former aerospace engineer who spent over 30 years designing airplanes, engines, and scads of other gadgets before setting his sights on sex toys. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 102018
Sex toy news: thrustin', suckin', and lube dispensin'

Most important news first, y’all: Fun Factory’s Stronic G is a REVELATION. Like the other Stronics, this toy thrusts all by itself — but this one can be used hands-free, and its perfectly-hooked tip gives my G-spot everything it craves. Ooof. So good.

Lube dispensers are all the rage now and I blame me. The Touch heats your lube and will utilize any lube you want, unlike the exorbitantly expensive Pulse, which takes proprietary pods.

Sliquid has a toy cleaner! I still don’t really believe in toy cleaners, but at least I trust Sliquid not to put junk ingredients in theirs. [. . . read the rest]

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