Get free U.S. shipping at Hole Punch Toys with code EPIPHORA. There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone sex toys in fantastical shapes. Carrot and radish butt plugs. Popsicle dildos. Ice cream anal toys. Rocket ship strap-ons. And I didn’t even know they existed back when I got an email from them with the subject line Do Your Worst. Well. The owner of Hole Punch Toys, Colin, was emailing to ask that I review something of theirs. “You will absolutely tear it apart, I am sure,” he wrote. “However, I think it would be excellent fodder for your wit.” His certainty was alarming. How could I hate an ice cream shaped butt plug or a . . . read more

These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this could more easily pass as a basket of artificial fruits and vegetables. The sex toy world has given us glass versions of produce before — chili peppers, eggplants, corn, bananas — but a huge selection of body-safe silicone ones? Not until now! THERE’S A FUCKING ASPARAGUS, YOU GUYS. I found out about this company on a HOT TIP from a reader, who wrote: I’m in Europe right now and I discovered a lovely indie shop in Berlin that carries this brand of dildos: SelfDelve. They’re handmade here in Germany. The silicone is really nice, a bit soft. I got a very realistic (though unripe looking) curved banana. The . . . read more

Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA. Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked. Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review”). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this: I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life? So, full disclosure: I . . . read more

Want a fantastical dildo in the shape of a unicorn horn or tentacle? This is your last chance. [Edit, years later: another company makes unicorn horns now, and you can probably find a tentacle on Etsy.] It appears that Maine-based Whipspider Rubberworks is dead. SheVibe tried to place a re-stock order with them last April, and haven’t heard from them since. Whipspider’s Etsy store is empty and they haven’t posted on Facebook or Twitter since March. I emailed them but have not heard back. It is looking grim. [Edit: their site is gone now, too.] This is really upsetting because there is no other company quite like Whipspider. Their 100% silicone designs are colorful, whimsical, and incredibly detailed. You can tell that a lot . . . read more

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation. Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves. It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts . . . read more

The Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish is a magical sea creature. Yes, I just wrote that sentence. And I’m keeping it. Because despite the fact that this dildo is basically a conglomeration of veins topped with a jellyfish-shaped head… I fucking love it. Usually I have to choose between G-spotting and texture. Texture can be so overwhelming that G-spot stimulation gets drowned out, and vice versa. Not so with the Jellyfish. The Jellyfish has both — and both are overwhelming. In a good way… usually. Many will find this texture far too abrasive. Like, probably 90% of people with vaginas. I find it abrasive most of the time. But once I get really turned on, when my vagina opens up and I drizzle the lube . . . read more