Apr 062011
 

I went through a phase where I had to try every glass dildo that crossed my path. I tried bumpy ones, swirled ones, tiny ones, pointy ones, curved ones, bulbed ones, and even one with terrifying spikes on it. The last frontier was “juicer”-style dildos, so I tried two of those. Done with that conquest, I sorta ran out of ideas. And desire.

After some time away from glass, I recently returned to an old haunt: the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo. This is one of those toys that fledgling sex toy reviewers drool all over. I mean, this picture of all the different colors is like sex toy reviewer porn. I distinctly remember thinking, damn, I’ll never be able to get that toy.

Years later, I am badass enough that not only did Babeland agree to my request, they helped me avoid getting a pink or purple version (!). So when I unwrapped the dildo, I flipped my shit. It’s motherfucking rainbow-colored. This is the gayest dildo ever. It’s like a circus in my vagina. I LOVE IT.

This dildo is made by Standard Glass, a small Seattle company that handmakes each dildo. Mine is 5″ in circumference at its widest point, which is about 1.6″ in diameter — bigger than the large end of the Pure Wand by a very very small measurement. It’s made of soda lime glass — not Pyrex — so it is sensitive to extreme temperatures and quick temperature changes. It should not be boiled or frozen, but can be warmed or cooled with water.

Also, it doesn’t come with a storage bag of any sort. That’s pretty criminal.

I don’t know why I keep wanting to compare this dildo to the Pure Wand… wait, yes I do: because everyone else does. Many people call it a G-spotting machine. Reading the reviews, I started getting visions of Pure-Wand-like1 abilities, of the Pure Wand x2, of two bulbs sliding against my G-spot in a wave of exquisite and formerly-untapped pleasure.

It is not good to have visions like this, because, think about it: if this thing was better than the Pure Wand, we’d know it. The Feminist Porn Awards would be giving away Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildos and the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo would be in every Tristan Taormino movie. So guys, seriously, don’t throw the Pure Wand’s name around in vain. You need to really mean it.

The Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo doesn’t feel like the Pure Wand. At all, really. Both toys may be heavy and gorgeous, but that’s where the two dildos diverge (in a yellow wood?).

The two-bulbed end of the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo is just not a very good G-spotting implement. Because of the length of the two bulbs, it must be nestled past the pubic bone, where space is limited and serious thrusting is out of the question. It can be rocked back and forth, or jiggled, but it still provides only minimal-to-medium G-spot stimulation (in contrast to the Pure Wand, which can be rocked until squirting ensues about 30 seconds later).

Why is this? I think because the curve is not drastic enough. Using the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo, I feel the urge to push the handle downward so the shaft angles more toward my G-spot. I had the same problem with the Eleven and the Vr9, and I don’t like it. I want to be able to just thrust aimlessly and have magnificent G-spot stimulation in return. What? I’m lazy.

This dildo does do one thing very well, though — it presses into the sensitive front walls of my vagina. It gives me a very targeted, full feeling. I have a lot of girthy, filling toys (uh, Outlaw anyone?), but this is a different sensation than being stretched, and I like it quite a bit.

Also, since I am thorough, I found that the slender but curved handle is a thrustable and comfortable G-spotter, and much more effective than the two-bulbed end. But I prefer more girth with my G-spot stimulation (see: the big end of the NobEssence Seduction, which continues to amaze me).

To say that the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo disappointed me may not be accurate — the word disappointment should be reserved for failures like the SaSi, Better than Chocolate, Form 6, etc. I was just underwhelmed by the G-spot stimulation; I expected more from a glass toy with such an enticing shape.

If you accept the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo for what it is — a mediocre G-spotter with a talent for stimulating the front walls of the vagina — then you’re golden. It’s a gorgeous toy; it’s comfortable; and it feels good… but it is not a G-spot god. There are only a few of those, and sadly, they don’t come in rainbow stripe.

Get the Standard Glass Dildo at Babeland, Smitten Kitten, Good Vibes, or She Bop.

P.S. If you buy this dildo at Babeland, you can make a special request for color preference in the comments when ordering online (or by calling customer service to place an order).

  1. Well that wasn’t clunky at all… []
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