Feb 272013
 

G-Spot Lollipop J-PopThe G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop begins with a mistake — by getting way too literal about things. Always an ominous sign. Since it’s wrapped up like a fucking lollipop, I believe I’m fully within my rights to scream DO NOT PUT ACTUAL LOLLIPOPS IN YOUR VAGINA! OR POPSICLES! OR CHOCOLATE SAUCE! OR WHIPPED CREAM! It is not cute and it is only scandalous in the way that your world will be rocked by a yeast infection.

Blissfully unaware of the implications of modeling a dildo after a sugary food, my cat deemed the highly crinkly plastic packaging THE BEST EVER and had a grand ol’ time pushing it across the floor.

There are a slew of options when one goes to order a G-Spot Lollipop. I chose the Wild Apple color (glorious lime green!), with bulbs of 1.75″ and 2″ in diameter. There are many other color options, including orange, and other diameters, such as 1.5″/1.75″ and 2″/2.5″.

Nowhere on the site are lengths of the toys listed. Perhaps because the J-Pop is a horrifying 20″ end to end. Perhaps because someone out there thinks the vaginal canal just goes on and on, like the song that never ends, when in fact it is very short — to the tune of 4-6″ on a good, aroused day.

Speaking of website failures, here’s a rough list of other things I noticed on the G-Spot Lollipop site: pink and purple in every shade imaginable, Times New Roman, a picture of ladyfriends having wine and laughing, a lipstick print, a GIF that reads not-at-all-menacingly “THEY ARE FINALLY HERE,” and the sentence “ladies this is for you to use on yourself if the love one is missing or not available.” There’s also a testimonial complimenting the website.

The bulbs on the J-Pop are made of hard but lightweight acrylic. They’re held together by a steel bar that looks nothing like njoy’s stainless steel and more like your dad’s weathered thermos, which doesn’t help to assuage any preliminary concerns that this toy looks like some dude in a basement bought a steel bar and two acrylic balls, glued them together, and cried, “EUREKA!”

G-Spot Lollipops do come with a lifetime guarantee, though, so that’s good?

The G-spot claim is certainly true. I mean, no surprise there. It’s a huge bulb right up against my G-spot. That will always feel pleasurable in some fashion, and it feels really great in this case. And there is no girthy shaft to distract from the G-spot stimulation, so I guess that’s why reviewers rave about these toys.

But this dildo has a fundamental misunderstanding about the body. It does not get vaginas. Or stomachs. Or limbs. Or movement.

When I insert the smaller end, the larger end can very nearly rest on my stomach1. When I insert the larger end, the smaller end hovers above my pubic mound. It’s like the shape of the Pure Wand taken to a grotesque and completely useless degree. Because controlling the toy by grasping the bulb is actually the most strenuous option with the least result.

Shallow thrusting is all that’s needed, but even that’s an uphill battle. The steel bar is so thin that there’s nothing to hold. The only way to sort-of control it is to pinch the bar near where it curves down toward my vag. Pinch, people. That is not a good verb to associate with a sex toy, let alone the handle of one.

I had a regular G-Spot Lollipop Double Pop lying around2, so I tried it again to compare. As a completely straight version (it resembles a gigantic piercing barbell), it fared better. However, it is still OBSCENELY LONG, at 11.5″. When I use it, 6.5″ of it hangs out of my vag. Nobody wants to reach that far to hold the handle of a toy.

“But Epiphora!” I can hear someone in the back row yelling. “What about using it with a partner, wouldn’t the length be useful?” Sorry, NO. It’s hard enough for my boyfriend not to poke my cervix with toys — give him extra length and I don’t even want to know what he’d accidentally do with it.

I bet the Travel Pop is alright. I asked the creator about the length, and it’s 7″ long, much more befitting actual real life vaginas. But for $70, I dunno. The eye-melting website and not-very-shiny steel make me wary. Maybe I’m too particular, requiring my toys to be not just pleasurable, but also gorgeous and ergonomic.

Nah.

I know this to be true: there is more to making a G-spot toy than a bulb and a handle. Proportions matter. Angles matter. Dimensions matter. High-quality materials and craftsmanship matter. Having a website that looks like it was designed by someone born after 1975 matters. Just having a kooky idea to make dildos that look like lollipops is not enough.

  1. And my stomach is pretty small, so I hate to wonder how much more obnoxious it would be if you have a larger belly… []
  2. Seriously, as a sex toy reviewer, you just acquire things… []
  • I looked at the website. I even tried to read some. But that white text on purple? Just no. It hurt.

  • I showed my fiance the website and actually had to explain that it’s wasn’t a joke or an early April Fool’s Day gag.
    On a side note: When I told him you described the site as “eye melting” he asked if that was the new Apple product…

  • Those are scary to even look at, let alone consider putting one in my vagina. YIKES!

  • Michael

    Ew, that website is horrendous. Thanks for another great review! Even when the toys are bad your reviews are wonderful.

  • That was a hilarious review-what an awful ‘thing’ ugh, whoever thinks it’s awesome to be a sex toy reviewer should read some of your posts. The site is pretty bad looking, I didn’t even bother looking around. At least your cat had a good time 🙂

  • That website IS awful. Wow. It looks like it could have originally been hosted by Geocities.

    I saw these toys at Sexapalooza and wasn’t that impressed with the quality. Plus, the salesguy was skeezy and couldn’t answer questions about the materials. Yeah, no sale. But I mean, other people were buying them up with UR3 and jelly toys by the bushel, so meh.

  • Oddkin

    Geez that website. Unless you can afford a bout of eye-cancer, refrain from clicking that link.

  • Pixel

    I’m probably in the minority, but I really like my Double Pop. I have the large, and while it’s not something I’m going to break out all that often, it’s a freaking awesome warm up toy for fisting.

    That being said, the J-Pop is just all sorts of wonky.

  • THIS is why I thought that it would be pretty fantastic of a toy if the steel bar would bend to suit.
    The J-Pop is the only one that I was even willing to consider, as straight “dildos” (I don’t feel right calling this a dildo) are my nemesis. No thanks. As someone with a fat body overall but definitely a fat belly, this would be a complete design fail for me. Not even willing to try anything from this line, now.

  • Also, I just noticed that the links directly to the product don’t even use the “lollipop” site name, but a freakin IP address. WHUT. WHO DID THAT. AND WHY. SHAKE THEM.

  • This toy scared me a little when I first saw it because it does look like someone made it in a basement. But the bf and I enjoyed your review. Funny (and informative!) as always!

  • Pixel

    OMG, Geocities!

    I remember that midi embedded haven of sparkling gifs and teenage angst.

  • Joan Price

    Once again, your review saves me from trying a product I couldn’t possibly enjoy. Thank you!

    You mentioned how garish the website is — the writing is horrible, too. Who thought this was either good writing or convincing marketing:

    >It is completely unique and so is the response your body will have to it! …will titillate your senses like nothing you have experienced. The sensations it will generate are both overwhelming and uniquely satisfying. Its an experience you have to try to understand. We recommend it highly. Because of its unique shape and the wide variety of techniques found to be effective when experiencing it, the G-Spot Lollipop stimulates the G Spot like no other sex toy available. The orgasms are incredible.

  • I almost quoted that part. “We recommend it highly.” Hilarious.

  • What’s even funnier? The ENTIRE NAV BAR is just straight-up missing in Safari. Because, y’know- web compliance is optional these days I guess.

  • Very funny review. The website is worth a view, if just for a giggle. This might be the only toy I’ve seen described as “adventuresome”.. really? Is that the best way to describe it?
    Another review that saves the rest of us a bit of time and effort.

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  • Noir

    I see this item at all the sex shows that I work. It is so sad that so many women are wasting their money on such a crappy product. Honestly, acrylic in your vagina. I thought the days of putting toxins in our bodies was something we were trying not to do any longer. From what I have read, acrylic starts to release toxins when brought to body temp. Lovely, NOT!!!!!!!! There are so many cheap toys out there, and they are made just as cheap as the companies that sell them. Save your money and buy quality toys. Do not buy this and share this site with all your girlfriends!!!

  • You are mistaken about acrylic. Hard acrylic used for sex toys is not toxic. It is non-porous and does not react to body temperature at all. You might be thinking of PVC, which when softened with phthalates, will indeed release chemicals.

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  • FieryRed

    “Having a website that looks like it was designed by someone born after 1975 matters.”

    Hey, hey, HEY now. I was born in 1975. Even I could design a better-looking site than that. 😉

  • Carol

    WOW! I am shocked by your review this is the absolute best g-spot sex toy ever in my opinion, and there isn’t a style of g spot toy I haven’t tried, I own all 3 styles of the lollipop, in all sizes, and I am not a reviewer but a consumer. I have shared this will multiple friends of mine with great success and all of them love it as well. Your review tells me you don’t know how to use this product and I too had the problem with my husband and most sex toys internally became painful in his clutches. Not with the lollipop, the goal with it is to put it in and then gradually pull it back out till there is resistence, then gently pull it back, it is a tapping motion and sends you into oblivion, not a thrusting, although you can definitely use speed if you like in the tapping. This toy will help anyone find their g spot, there is no way to insert it that you won’t find the g spot. Just remember it’s at the opening not up inside. The toy isn’t meant to be thrusted way up inside, the J spot is for self stimulation. I agree the double pop is way too long it would be so much better double ended like it is and shortened several inches. The travel is great once you know your favorite size. I would suggest ordering the medium/large then you will be ecstatic, but I prefer the J of all of them, travel if I am on my back which is rare. Very disappointed in your review, and I hope customers will see mine and go check other reviews of this product. Most I have read are nothing but positive other then the link of the toy.

  • Azru Iceheartt

    The website’s still terrible in 2016, and I ~really~ like the frighteningly prehensile description of how your kegels will embrace it. It’s a vagina, not Cthulu.

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