Feb 272013
 

G-Spot Lollipop J-PopThe G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop begins with a mistake — by getting way too literal about things. Always an ominous sign. Since it’s wrapped up like a fucking lollipop, I believe I’m fully within my rights to scream DO NOT PUT ACTUAL LOLLIPOPS IN YOUR VAGINA! OR POPSICLES! OR CHOCOLATE SAUCE! OR WHIPPED CREAM! It is not cute and it is only scandalous in the way that your world will be rocked by a yeast infection.

Blissfully unaware of the implications of modeling a dildo after a sugary food, my cat deemed the highly crinkly plastic packaging THE BEST EVER and had a grand ol’ time pushing it across the floor.

There are a slew of options when one goes to order a G-Spot Lollipop. I chose the Wild Apple color (glorious lime green!), with bulbs of 1.75″ and 2″ in diameter. There are many other color options, including orange, and other diameters, such as 1.5″/1.75″ and 2″/2.5″.

Nowhere on the site are lengths of the toys listed. Perhaps because the J-Pop is a horrifying 20″ end to end. Perhaps because someone out there thinks the vaginal canal just goes on and on, like the song that never ends, when in fact it is very short — to the tune of 4-6″ on a good, aroused day.

Speaking of website failures, here’s a rough list of other things I noticed on the G-Spot Lollipop site: pink and purple in every shade imaginable, Times New Roman, a picture of ladyfriends having wine and laughing, a lipstick print, a GIF that reads not-at-all-menacingly “THEY ARE FINALLY HERE,” and the sentence “ladies this is for you to use on yourself if the love one is missing or not available.” There’s also a testimonial complimenting the website.

The bulbs on the J-Pop are made of hard but lightweight acrylic. They’re held together by a steel bar that looks nothing like njoy’s stainless steel and more like your dad’s weathered thermos, which doesn’t help to assuage any preliminary concerns that this toy looks like some dude in a basement bought a steel bar and two acrylic balls, glued them together, and cried, “EUREKA!”

G-Spot Lollipops do come with a lifetime guarantee, though, so that’s good?

The G-spot claim is certainly true. I mean, no surprise there. It’s a huge bulb right up against my G-spot. That will always feel pleasurable in some fashion, and it feels really great in this case. And there is no girthy shaft to distract from the G-spot stimulation, so I guess that’s why reviewers rave about these toys.

But this dildo has a fundamental misunderstanding about the body. It does not get vaginas. Or stomachs. Or limbs. Or movement.

When I insert the smaller end, the larger end can very nearly rest on my stomach1. When I insert the larger end, the smaller end hovers above my pubic mound. It’s like the shape of the Pure Wand taken to a grotesque and completely useless degree. Because controlling the toy by grasping the bulb is actually the most strenuous option with the least result.

Shallow thrusting is all that’s needed, but even that’s an uphill battle. The steel bar is so thin that there’s nothing to hold. The only way to sort-of control it is to pinch the bar near where it curves down toward my vag. Pinch, people. That is not a good verb to associate with a sex toy, let alone the handle of one.

I had a regular G-Spot Lollipop Double Pop lying around2, so I tried it again to compare. As a completely straight version (it resembles a gigantic piercing barbell), it fared better. However, it is still OBSCENELY LONG, at 11.5″. When I use it, 6.5″ of it hangs out of my vag. Nobody wants to reach that far to hold the handle of a toy.

“But Epiphora!” I can hear someone in the back row yelling. “What about using it with a partner, wouldn’t the length be useful?” Sorry, NO. It’s hard enough for my boyfriend not to poke my cervix with toys — give him extra length and I don’t even want to know what he’d accidentally do with it.

I bet the Travel Pop is alright. I asked the creator about the length, and it’s 7″ long, much more befitting actual real life vaginas. But for $70, I dunno. The eye-melting website and not-very-shiny steel make me wary. Maybe I’m too particular, requiring my toys to be not just pleasurable, but also gorgeous and ergonomic.

Nah.

I know this to be true: there is more to making a G-spot toy than a bulb and a handle. Proportions matter. Angles matter. Dimensions matter. High-quality materials and craftsmanship matter. Having a website that looks like it was designed by someone born after 1975 matters. Just having a kooky idea to make dildos that look like lollipops is not enough.

  1. And my stomach is pretty small, so I hate to wonder how much more obnoxious it would be if you have a larger belly… []
  2. Seriously, as a sex toy reviewer, you just acquire things… []
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