In its attempt to mimic cunnilingus, the wheel of tongues is too weak to provide anything more than build-up to orgasm.
“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens.
There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009:
. . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy.
When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be:
Just like my Obama-hating cousin, the Sqweel is set in its ways and cannot be persuaded to become smaller, rechargeable, and less of a pube-eater, no matter how many times I post improvement tips on its Facebook wall.
But lo, here it is. The Sqweel Go is literally 1/4 the size of the Sqweel 2; it fits in the palm of your hand and you will want to hug it. It makes the other Sqweels look like the vulva-hogging monsters they definitely are. And it’s USBrechargeable!
The Sqweel Go comes with unmemorable packaging, a USB cord, and a manual — no storage bag. It’s $60, the same price as the Sqweel 2, which isn’t bad at all for a rechargeable toy. It’s listed as “submersible.” Cleaning is kind of a pain because the tongues don’t move when the toy is off, and they can’t be dismantled like in previous generations.
And there is a flaw in the “shrink the Sqweel” plan that I had not anticipated. By shrinking the tongues, the breadth of the stimulation is lessened to an almost upsetting degree. It’s now more of an undulating sensation than a flapping sensation. Girly Juice described it as “like receiving cunnilingus from a pixie,” and I cannot improve upon that description. (I’d rather receive cunnilingus from a manic pixie dream girl, myself.)
Although this wouldn’t be a proper review of an “oral sex” toy without me taking a moment to stress that cunnilingus does not feel like a mechanical wheel of tongues. You have no idea how many times I have said a variation of that sentence in my lifetime.
The noise level has not been improved. According to an app on my boyfriend’s phone, both the Sqweel 2 and Sqweel Go clock in at 66 dB. The mechanical sound remains; perhaps it is inherent in having a wheel that turns. However, the Sqweel 2 is much more high-pitched. It’s no Beatles concert, but it’s not pleasant either.
The Sqweel Go’s motor is also puny, wimpy. The first two steady speeds are too weak, and the three patterns have too many drops in speed and movement to feel good. Only the top steady speed is acceptable as a pleasurable sensation, and the sensation is dampened considerably the closer I press the tongues into my clit. Sqweel Go orgasms are a disappointment, because the stimulation gets me to the orgasm, but the peak is bungled if I involuntarily press the toy into my body at all.
By comparison, the enormous Sqweel 2 feels much more intense, even on its lowest setting, and does not cause unsatisfactory orgasms. I may have to wrangle any dildo I use with it, pressing the dildo awkwardly toward the floor to make room for the bumbling Sqweel, but at least the pleasure is more consistent.
So either way, I’m giving something up. With the Sqweel Go, I’m giving up power. With the Sqweel 2, I’m giving up a sensible size. Choosing between them, though, I’d have to go with the toy that gets me off without incident: the Sqweel 2.
The Sqweel Commandments remain unchanged. Observe them always.
Thou shalt let go of any illusion that the Sqweel will feel anything like cunnilingus
Slap me upside the head all you want, Lovehoney, because I deserve it, but I’m going to ask for at least one more generation of this crazy contraption. I’ll let you off the hook on the noise thing, and feel free to make it slightly bigger than a gerbil, but I want more speeds, (much) more power behind the movements, and a return to larger tongues. I’m insatiable. I’m sorry.