The LELO Mona Wave feels like being fingered by someone who is absent-mindedly planning out the toppings on the pizza they’re going to order after I finally fucking come. I know that isn’t what you want me to say. You want me to say that either the Mona Wave is like being fingered by the devil, or that it’s the sexual equivalent of getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is not, and my feelings are not that extreme. But the Mona Wave does make me fucking crazy most of the time. I don’t blame you, internet. I have conditioned you to care. I am so freakishly obsessed with my LELO Mona 2s (yes, I have three of them) that you needed to know . . . read more

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more

“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens. There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009: . . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy. When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be: Just like my Obama-hating . . . read more

No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker. Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with some epic clitoral stimulation — does me in every time. Too quickly. I lose count of my orgasms. I get delirious. The Stronic Eins shook the world wide open last year with its revolutionary (and you know me, I don’t throw that word around) back-and-forth “pulsating” technology. At $190 a pop, I was dubious, but the Shake Weight-like movement jostled my G-spot perfectly and I fell in love. . . . read more

In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this toy, because I still don’t believe that someone would send this to me, ever, let alone for free… But there it is. A Sybian. In all its hulking glory. Safe and sound, with the grotesque attachments neatly folded into a ziploc. It’s smaller than I imagined, but still quite a beast. It’s heavy, it’s loud, and the puny “handles” on the sides are laughable. I don’t know where I’m going to store it, and my boyfriend will never forgive me for acquiring yet another huge sex accessory. Too bad. If someone offers you a Sybian, you say yes. This is law. You do . . . read more

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now. Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived. Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of . . . read more

[Update: I reviewed it. The prognosis is bad.] So I have this in my possession: And yes, that is exactly what it does. It swivels and swivels and swivels. It never stops. There is actually no way to turn off the rotation. (I mean, unless you count turning the toy off entirely.) I’ve been trying to get some last-minute testing in before CatalystCon, but it’s been hard to find time. And a willing penis. Because the idea is that a penis can fit in my vagina alongside this thing. You know, while making love. So my thoughts on this strange new device will have to wait until after I get back. For now, I invite you to take bets on my . . . read more

[Wondering what I think of the other toys, Zwei and Drei, in the Stronic line?] There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp vibrators in one fell swoop. You’re just not. But if anyone should be screaming “revolutionary!!!”, you know, for once, Fun Factory has actually earned it. The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina. Where vibrators have a rotational motor, the Stronic . . . read more