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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
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  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random
Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!
Announcements

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

November 27, 2024
GOBBLE GOBBLE, peeps. This is it: my annual list of the best sex toy deals for Black Friday and Cyber...
Keep Reading
Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

October 30, 2024
We shivered in our seductive outfits. It was October, two days before my birthday, in a damp backyard. Party attendees...
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Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective
April Fool's!BanterBlogger LyfeGiveawaysGreatest HitsShenanigans

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

April 1, 2024
Taylor Swift had two albums to her name. Instagram didn’t exist. We had yet to name our roman empires, show...
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Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!
Announcements

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

November 21, 2023
updated 12/13! Need more sex toys for your black holes? Behold, my epic guide to the best sex toy deals...
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A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

June 9, 2023
It was a 30th birthday party unlike any other.  The invitation read: Luxurious cuddles, siren’s songs, stroking, finger feeding, dancing,...
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A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.
April Fool's!BanterDildosSex Toy ReviewsShenanigans

Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

April 1, 2023
The world wants to know which household objects can be used as dildos. Pervs have been googling that, pants around...
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Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.
"The Industry"Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementBanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesFeaturesSex Toy NewsSex Toy Reviews

Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

December 20, 2022
Lora DiCarlo, the “sex tech” start-up that vowed to revolutionize the pleasure industry and pompously acted like the first to...
Keep Reading
Announcements

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

November 23, 2022
Need more sex toys for your black holes? Behold, my epic guide to the best sex toy deals! If you’ve...
Keep Reading
Epiphora's orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)
Giveaways

Orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

October 15, 2022
It’s my 15th blogging anniversary! Let me whisk you away to Orgasm Island, the only resort in the world that...
Keep Reading
BanterDirty VideosFeaturesJack-off Journal

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

August 21, 2022
Having jacked off to pornographic material for two decades now, I think I’ve earned the title “porn connoisseur.” I’ve been...
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FeaturesGreatest HitsMovie Night

Movie Night: The Final Member

July 18, 2022
Your body is not ready for The Final Member. More than once you will feel a sudden, searing lurch in...
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Giveaways

The hella gay rainbow dildo giveaway

July 5, 2022
Happy belated Pride to all my queer compadres! I spent June sick with COVID, suffering through gloomy weather (homophobic, Oregon),...
Keep Reading
A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

May 26, 2022
The line between friend and sexual partner became blurred, and yet both were able to coexist in my mind. When...
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Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?April Fool's!BanterBlogger LyfeFeaturesJack-off JournalSex Toy ReviewsShenanigansTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerVibrators

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

April 1, 2022
Today I’m releasing exclusive tapes from last month’s masturbatory adventures. These are my intimate audio notes from out in the...
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Sex toys getting me through the pandemic
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterDildosGreatest HitsGuidesHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsSunshine & RainbowsVibrators

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

March 16, 2022
The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist...
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Announcements

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

November 24, 2021
GOBBLE GOBBLE, peeps. The time has come again, and my yearly tradition is back: a comprehensive list of the best...
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1 2 3 … 48

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.

Review: Little Chroma

The Eroscillator standing proudly on a table, with the Ultra Soft Fingertip attachment (marshmallow) on it.

Review: Eroscillator

Sex toy temporary tattoos and the lengths we go through to photograph them. Photo by Kate Sinclaire.

Together, we form one fully functional human

Review: OhMiBod

Screenshot from the now-defunct Teddy Love crowdfunding video, of a woman touching a teddy bear's nose.

Um, No: Teddy Love

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