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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

Jimmyjane

Jimmyjane is a higher-end vibrator company. I consider them the pretentious hipster in the room among sex toy companies. They like to give vibrators to celebs and offer $35,000 private jet packages. Their Little Chroma was memorably scammy.

Also… the fucking Rumble Seat.

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The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, a white plastic toilet-looking chair with a grey vibrating bump on top, standing in front of my sex toy closet.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Rumble Seat

February 26, 2019
When you arrive at the sex party and present the guests with your vibrating sex chair, you don’t exactly want... Keep Reading
Graphic of the latest sex toys.
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: inclusive marketing and a vibrator with a butt

February 11, 2019
One of my favorite dildos — which was tragically discontinued years ago — has risen from the dead! Once known... Keep Reading
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: epic girth and vibrating tendrils

September 24, 2018
VIXEN MADE A NEW DILDO! Unfortunately, it’s too effing big for my vagina! The Gambler (such a good name) is... Keep Reading
From above shot of a bunch of vibrators lying on paper towels on my desk.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #22

September 4, 2018
September 19, 2017 Decided to livetweet slathering my genitals with weed-enhanced lubricant spray. I’d done it once before, with my vulva,... Keep Reading
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: bionic dildos and a bundle of alien fingers

April 12, 2018
Yay, the Canadian cuties at Fuze have four new suction cup dildos: Flame, Major (uncut and girthy!), Freddie, and Star.... Keep Reading
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: menstrual cups and “cyclonic vibrations”

September 24, 2017
FUN FACTORY IS MAKING MENSTRUAL CUPS. YES, THIS DESERVES ALL CAPS. They’re called the Fun Cups. I have used them... Keep Reading
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: masturbation polish & the rechargeable craze

March 10, 2017
WE-VIBE HAS A NEW TOY OUT AND I’M SCREAMING ABOUT IT. It’s a squishy, oversized bugger called Wish that’s packed with... Keep Reading
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: rimming butt plugs and LELO’s gravest mistake

July 8, 2016
Easily the most exciting news this time around comes from Doxy, who previewed several shiny bullet vibes at ETO, both... Keep Reading
Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsGuides

Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

May 10, 2016
Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept... Keep Reading
Tenga Iroha line
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: squirting dildos and flapping tongues for your dick

March 22, 2016
Vixen has released a peculiar dildo called the VixenAire Mustang. It inflates when you apply pressure to the base. I... Keep Reading
Best & Worst Sex Toys of the YearGuides

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2015

December 31, 2015
What a year 2015 was! I showed my face on the internet and subsequently used it to prank all of you.... Keep Reading
Miss Bi, a dual vibe with two strong-ass motors; Calice, an oddly-shaped mini vibe (my girlfriend: "it's like someone said, make it look like a penis AND a vulva"), and Bi Stronic Fusion,
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: scented vibrators and remote-controlled underwear

November 7, 2015
Fun Factory has a whole host of new stuff! There’s Miss Bi, a dual vibe with two strong-ass motors; Calice, an... Keep Reading
Jimmyjane Form 5 and Hello Touch X vibrators (plus masking tape labels) next to some fall leaves.
BDSMGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

October 5, 2015
Why does Jimmyjane still exist? That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence,... Keep Reading
RECHARGEABLE! MAGIC WAND!
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: uncut dildos and a rechargeable Hitachi

February 18, 2015
If it seems like it’s been 5,000 years since Jimmyjane released something new, it has. Now, they have graced us... Keep Reading
Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble glass dildo
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: uncircumcised packers and questionable marketing choices

April 14, 2014
Vibratex has released a series of rechargeable mini vibes called The Girls. Princessa looks just freakish enough for me to... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Amorino
FeaturesSex Toy News

Sex toy news: long-distance sex toys and useless gimmicks

January 13, 2014
The BIG! NEWS! of the moment is LELO’s latest product, the Ora. It’s basically a re-imagined SaSi, which I gotta... Keep Reading
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🩸 CN: menstrual blood 🩸 Tonight's masturbatory battlefield. It's day 4 of my period but looks a lot gorier because… https://t.co/llinKCLlA1
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Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

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