What is life if not a series of attempts at proving arrogant men wrong? I never wanted to have to review My Celebrator. I’ve known about this vibrator for years; people like to excitedly email me and alert me to its existence, flailing about its supposed oscillation and “low” price of $40. It has happened often enough for me to become sufficiently jaded about it. So, last year, while sitting in Joan Price’s senior sex workshop at Woodhull, I was sadly unsurprised when a male member of the audience piped up to mention My Celebrator… as an alternative to Joan’s (and my, and a lot of peoples’) beloved Eroscillator. Because… you know… dudes know these things. There were at least six sex . . . read more

For years, literally, ever since I dubbed the Eroscillator “the best sex toy I’ve ever tried,” people have been asking me whether it’s worth the extra cash to get the Top Deluxe version of the toy. I’ve always had to say “I don’t know; mine is the more powerful one and I’ve never tried the regular version,” which pained me because I hate not having an answer to anything sex toy-related. I’m cool with feeling like a failure in some respects (I can’t do a crossword to save my life), but not that one. So finally, my online amiga of many years, Britni, agreed to loan me her Eroscillator 2 Plus for comparison purposes. This is a true friend. And now . . . read more

Sometimes I wait an embarrassingly long time to clean my sex toys. But that’s the beauty of non-porous toys — they clean up beautifully no matter what. And just look at this awesome array of colors! I’m so proud of myself for not having a pink and purple smorgasbord. Clearly, though, I need to invest in better paper towels. It’s hard to make an ordered list of these toys, but I’ll try: NobEssence Seduction, Fun Factory Big Boss, njoy Fun Wand, pink attachment for the Rock Box, Tantus O2 Rascal, Leaf Life, attachments for the Eroscillator, Vixen Creations Maverick, njoy Pure Wand, Vibratex Mystic Wand, Fun Factory G-Twist.

I already told you about my awesome plastic storage drawers, but y’all are creepers, so I figured you’d want to snoop inside the actual drawers. When I attempted to organize my toys into these drawers, I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I didn’t want to organize things by type, since I have about 5,000 dildos, so I figured I’d organize them by My Feelings. The problem? With a lot of toys, My Feelings are amorphous and indifferent. I know which toys I absolutely adore, and I know which ones I loathe, but that leaves a large chunk of my collection in the middle. As such, there are several drawers of these “middle ground” toys. First up: the rolling . . . read more

July 1st, 2010 I have learned a lesson about lube bottles. Before use, always cautiously test to make sure the nozzle is not plugged up. Today, attempting to lube up a toy, my lube split-streamed on me and sprayed itself on my shirt. Classy. July 6th, 2010 Having watched a lot of porn in a wave of deleting, I decided to jack off to a scene from The Pinch featuring Evan Stone and Sunny Lane. It wasn’t as good as their scene in Pussy a Go Go, but there was THIS POSITION… …which made me say, “creative porn performers FOR THE WIN.” Because seriously, the world would be a bleak place without performers (and directors) who actually try to make . . . read more

June 6th, 2010 Here’s a little secret for you: I’ve been jacking off to words lately. I know, blasphemy. I usually hate erotica. I generally don’t fantasize. I prefer graphic depictions of genitals going into other genitals. But this particular fiction — a slash pairing which is morally objectionable on more than one level — is hot to the max. This one little smut scene involved squirting. Mmm. I’ve also been spending several jack-off sessions comparing the Vixen Johnny with the Maverick. Finally, I think I’ve figured out the difference. Unfortunately the only word I can think to describe it is that Johnny is meaty. WTF, brain? Are you trying to write disgusting erotica? Also, dual orgasms are the story of . . . read more

March 4th, 2010 You know what’s hard to watch? An hour and 16 minutes of nothing but cocksucking. But I did it — boy, I did it — in the name of reviewing. Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio, that is. I watched it in the bedroom, with my laptop hooked up to the TV via HDMI. I even changed my screenshot hotkey to make it easier to reach over with my left hand and take a screenshot. Meanwhile, my right hand was occupied with the Vixen Astrovibe, trying to decide how I felt about it, and the Jollies Jollet, already knowing I love it. I’m putting this on my resume as an example of my ability to multi-task. March . . . read more

February 9th, 2010 Dear diary, today I learned that masturbation while drunk is really fucking annoying. I spent most of the night in a chatroom with Britni and Carnivalesq, shooting the breeze about Lady Gaga, American Idol, and the mind-blowing pick-up line that Britni got on a dating website: “I want to lay on top of you and pretend that I am flying.” I was drinking peppermint schnapps, but still fantasizing about my new green dildo. So at one point I dropped out of the conversation, turned on PopPorn: The Guide to Making Fuck, and did what can only be described as a sad attempt to get myself off. I started out with the Eroscillator, but uncharacteristically went up to . . . read more

Reading The Big Book of Sex Toys, I learned that it’s hard to read a book about subject I already know like the back of my hand. Also a subject I’m snooty and picky about. Also a subject that I believe no book could ever adequately cover unless I wrote it myself. And even that is iffy. The Big Book of Sex Toys is written by Tristan Taormino, a pornographer/sex educator/badass whom I greatly respect and admire. It is meant to introduce the reader to every kind of sex toy, and it does this extremely well. It offers detailed and comprehensive descriptions of toys, all broken down into manageable categories such as “wearable vibrators” and “cock rings.” Tristan does an . . . read more