May 062018
 

Aneros Evi kegel exerciser

I’m on edge, watching my every move. Like the first day on a new job. Like the feds are after me. Like a driving test. Like masturbating at age 15.

But I am not actually in a high-stress situation. I just have something in my vagina. And its name is Evi.

The Aneros Evi is a… kegel exerciser. Imagine me saying that with the same sort of hesitance in my voice as when I say “don’t worry, I can kill that spider” or “surely the Republicans can’t continue standing by him after this.” In actuality, the Evi is more defined by what it is not: it is not a butt plug (although it looks just like one), and it is not a vibrator (although it should be). In the manual, there’s a cross section of a human body wearing the Evi, where the toy looks perfectly snuggled into the vagina as if it belongs there.

Lies.

The Evi is made by Aneros. After pioneering the prostate toy and cornering the market on things-people-clench-their-butts-around, the company decided to make something that people clench their vaginas around. It’s the only Aneros toy designed specifically for vaginal use, and, well… you can tell. At the sex shop where I work, customers frequently pick up the Evi, quizzically turn it around in their hands, and ask me how to turn it on. At which point I must confess to them that oh, it doesn’t vibrate, and no, I don’t get it either. It’s like my partner coming home with Taco Bell for only himself. Why would you do such a thing? Are you some kind of monster?

I’ve owned this toy for 5 years and I’ve still found no viable use for it.

Aneros talks a big fucking talk with the Evi, which is maybe 40% of the reason I can’t stand it. According to the marketing, the Evi is “the first of her kind” (yepppp, they gendered the sex toy — and I’ve never seen them do that with their other products) that offers a “sensual, hands-free experience like no other.” The cleaning section of the manual is called “primping,” which makes me want to barf.

But what truly agitates me is their rampant insistence that Evi can stimulate the clitoris. Hi, I can barely get off with 20 solid minutes of hyper-focused manual clitoral stimulation — I most certainly can’t get off with, or even enjoy, an awkward protrusion hovering near my clit.

Because that protrusion? Yeah, it’s literally angled away from the clitoris. Like a person recoiling in disgust, perhaps at the insinuation that this toy can offer any clitoral pleasure whatsoever.

I have no beef with the Evi’s internal bulb; it’s well-shaped and comfortable enough, and it presses into my G-spot a little on a good day. But the way the external protrusion wedges between my labia is not so friendly. You know that sort of whiny grunting sound you make when you’re straining to open a jar? That’s me whenever I wear the Evi. It feels OK sometimes, like when I’m standing up, but shifts in position and sudden movements cause it to poke and prod and make me question why I’m putting myself through this.

Knowing it doesn’t vibrate just adds insult to vulvar injury.

As for the kegel exercising claim… okay, it’s a thing hanging out in my vagina that I can squeeze and release, but you could also use — and hear me out on this — kegel balls. Many of which contain internal balls that roll around for extra sensation and incentive, and as a bonus, they don’t even jab your vulva! Meanwhile, the Evi is just a plastic blob coated in silicone, and its stimulation comes only from the tiniest of movements created by clenching. Sorry, being a foreign object that can inhabit my vagina isn’t a selling point on its own and certainly doesn’t justify the price of $55.

Besides, butt plugs can also double as static kegel exercisers if that’s a thing you want. I put a bunch of my plugs in my vag to test, and the most comfy ones were the njoy Pure Plug, Fun Factory Bootie, and Tantus Ryder/Neo/Juice. Their bases are less obtrusive than Evi’s, and they’re awesome butt plugs too. The Evi is an awesome nothing.

But that’s not what the manual would have you believe:

She is designed to comfortably and effectively “hit the spot” without the need for vibration. Fueled by your movements, Evi stimulates both the G-Spot and clitoris. You can control the pace and pressure with a riveting rocking of your hips or a tantalizing twirl. With the incredibly versatile Evi, you are only limited by your imagination.

Start with a few Kegel exercises (contracting and relaxing pelvic floor muscles) to familiarize yourself with the sensations of Evi. As you discover a pleasurable rhythm, spice it up with varying intensities and speeds. You can control every detail of the journey to every mind-blowing orgasm.

“Every mind-blowing orgasm”? “Every” “mind-blowing” “orgasm”? I have orgasms for a living and THIS TOY CANNOT MAKE ME COME. IN ANY DIMENSION. Sure my vag is a boss, but even if I could kegel myself to orgasm with this (WHICH I CAN’T, BECAUSE IT DOES NOT VIBRATE), that would be way too much work. The only orgasm I’ve ever had with the Evi was with the Magic Wand Rechargeable pressed against the external part.

Apologies for the yelling, but it really pisses me off to see this kind of absurd bar-setting. “You’re only limited by your imagination”? Fuck that. You’re limited by the sex toy. Don’t let a badly-written manual make you feel inadequate, and definitely don’t consult the manual for ~helpful tips~ on how to use the Evi:

1. Just Thrust – While on your back with your feet planted, thrust your hips upward for a heavenly experience.

2. Twist and Shout – Swivel your hips while seated or laying down and Evi won’t miss a single spot.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Go home, Aneros, you’re drunk. This is a kegel exerciser, not a dance party. No amount of swiveling, thrusting, or twirling is going to make your sex toy suck less.

For practically any usable purpose, the Evi does not rank. For pelvic floor strengthening, kegel balls are so much easier and more comfortable (my favorites are the LELO Luna Beads and these cheap ones). For hands-free stimulation — the kind that truly ends in orgasm! — there’s nothing better than the Dusk + Tango. For stationary G-spot stimulation, I’ll grab Jollet. And if I’m craving anal, I’ll use an actual butt plug — sorta on principle alone, but also because I’m never using the Evi again after I publish this.

Since Aneros’ marketing of the Evi needs an overhaul anyway, I have a suggestion for a new slogan. No need to even credit me, Aneros, you can just have it for free. The Aneros Evi: Why Though?

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