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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Hell Yes / Um, No

Things to be excited about, for once, and sex toys that need to be obliterated from the earth.

Random
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  • A to Z
Glass dildos by Fucking Sculptures: G-Spoon, Corkscrew, Two-Cumber, Hooded Nun.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Fucking Sculptures

January 7, 2013
These people just cut to the chase. They called their company Fucking Sculptures. I like that gumption. I like it a...
Keep Reading
LELO Bo / Tor II cock ring between a person's fingers.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, NoSex Toy News

LELO’s Bo: cock ring of the future?

October 19, 2008
I just discovered the existence of Bo, a new cock ring from LELO. Get this: it’s rechargeable! Has any company...
Keep Reading
A literal colander full of silicone sex toys shaped like various vegetables and fruit: corn, carrot, eggplant, banana...
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: SelfDelve produce-shaped sex toys

February 16, 2016
These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this...
Keep Reading
Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope, which resembles a blue jelly snake with a vibrator attached, with its packaging.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Ecstasy Rope

November 8, 2010
The Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope is just what you always wanted: a pipe cleaner for your genitals. It is a long...
Keep Reading
A lingerie-clad woman holding the Rock 'n' Roll Massager, a leopard-print vibrating make-up case. Essentially.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Rock and Roll Massager

August 4, 2011
This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS...
Keep Reading
kGoal kegel trainer exerciser sex toy being squeezed, next to its corresponding phone app.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: kGoal

July 21, 2014
Everyone pause and bask in this moment. I have found a sex toy crowdfunding campaign that isn’t shitty. It’s a squeezable silicone...
Keep Reading
Sex toys from BS Atelier inspired by the leather, bisexual, trans, and LGBTQ+ pride flags.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Rainbow dildos, queer butt plugs, and gay sex toys ahoy!

June 3, 2018
Once upon a time, sex toys were either pink, purple, or a hideous shade of beige I’ve heard described as...
Keep Reading
We-Vibe Pivot and Verge cock rings lying on a book on top of a nightstand.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: We-Vibe delves into cock rings and butt plugs

June 7, 2017
Progress is slow, yet quick. I’ve had this sex blogging gig long enough to have been around when the first...
Keep Reading
Wobbling Willy, a magenta dildo with a bobble head attached.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

What, you don’t want a dildo with your boyfriend’s face on it?

March 10, 2019
Why wouldn’t you want this smug bastard smiling at you while you masturbate? He looks like the kind of guy...
Keep Reading
Bartenders porn DVD cover
BanterDirty VideosFeaturesHell Yes / Um, NoJack-off Journal

Hell Yes: Bartenders

May 16, 2010
Bartenders is the newest, yet-to-be-released feature porno from Burning Angel. Now, it takes serious hilarity to make me laugh aloud...
Keep Reading
BlissMe vibrators: Mr. Cowboy, Mr. U.K., Mr. Right, Mr. Badboy, and Mr. C.E.O
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with… personalities

May 20, 2015
Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring? FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — BlissMe founder Daniel Mederos says...
Keep Reading
Jimmyjane Form 2 vibrator, with two prongs for stimulation.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Jimmyjane Form 2

November 7, 2009
Tongs. Chopsticks. Tweezers. I did not know I wanted a sex toy modeled after them. But the Jimmyjane Form 2 is...
Keep Reading
LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pino

November 24, 2014
We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces...
Keep Reading
Luz de la Riva Parda dildo, a C-shaped dildo made of volcanic ash stone.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Luz de la Riva Parda dildo

February 4, 2011
Um. It’s made of volcanic ash stone. It’s $430. It’s Pure Wand-shaped. And it can go in my vagina anytime,...
Keep Reading
Bleeding Pussy Stroker with Blood Lubricant
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No?: Topco’s Fucked line

July 23, 2010
Okay, so, Topco has this new toy line entitled Fucked, and… I’m don’t even know what to think about it....
Keep Reading
BMS Factory Leaf vibrator line, looking very greeeeen.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Leaf

November 14, 2011
BMS Factory has not made much of anything that’s too terribly noteworthy. They make locking toy cases, an extensive line of...
Keep Reading
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

My pink sex toys all together. YOU REPULSE ME.

The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

Step inside my sex toy closet

Review: OhMiBod

Vintage vibrators: the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator (top), Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager.

Review: Vintage vibrators

Revel Body sonic vibrator... plus jump drive and "competitor model."

Review: Revel Body

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