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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Hi, I love you

Behold! My favorite sex toys! If you’d prefer, there’s a breakdown of my all-time faves on this page.

Random
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
Warm Touch automatic warming lube dispenser standing upright and continuously dispensing, next to a lamp that resembles anal beads, and my cat on the bed.
Hi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Warm Touch warming lube dispenser

February 4, 2020
The problem of the lube bottle is one that manufacturers have been grappling with for some time. Awkward flip-top caps...
Keep Reading
BMS Factory Leaf Life rechargeable vibrator
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Life

May 10, 2012
The Leaf Life looks like something you’d pick up along a nature trail. Colored a cheery green and shaped like a fat...
Keep Reading
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet

April 5, 2008
This is one case in which I will permit the use of the word “Xtreme.” Why? Because it actually describes...
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Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a zig-zag-patterned rainbow crocheted blanket.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

May 26, 2015
IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable Yes. Yes,...
Keep Reading
California Exotics Turbo Glider
BanterHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsToybox ReportsVibrators

Love letter to the Turbo Glider

May 31, 2010
Dearest Turbo Glider, Hello, my dear. It’s been a while, I know. A few trysts here and there, but things...
Keep Reading
(Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a fuzzy blanket.
Guest ReviewsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

A trans woman’s orgasm savior: the (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

January 16, 2017
The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, with its robust vibrations and large head, is known as an effective vibrator for all sorts of genital...
Keep Reading
Zumio X rechargeable clitoral vibrator, on a colorful striped blanket.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Zumio X

December 26, 2017
When you’re a sex toy reviewer, certain toys can feel like a blessing from above. Mediocre masturbation sessions are par...
Keep Reading
The LELO Ella, a white dildo with a flat tip, lying on a dark blue sheet. It is slightly wet.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Ella, and my first ejaculation

December 11, 2008
You always remember your first. And I’m proud to say that the LELO Ella is mine — the first toy to...
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Crystal Delights Crystal Twist swirly glass dildo on my porch.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Crystal Twist

January 17, 2012
You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco...
Keep Reading
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Prism V

September 16, 2016
There is no clever way to start a review about a vibrator that just works. I can offer no snarky...
Keep Reading
Doxy Don and Doxy Die Cast on a desk. The Nuzzle Tip attachment is on the Doxy Die Cast's head.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Doxy Massager (Die Cast) and The Don

July 20, 2016
Put it on my clit. Now. That’s what ran through my head the first time I held the Doxy Don,...
Keep Reading
GiveawaysHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

February 18, 2021
Is it a sign things are finally looking up? Fuck, I’ll take anything. A pair of legendary vibrators, cult classics,...
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The LELO Mona 2 rechargeable vibrator in three colors: purple, red, and cerise (pink), lying on a cream-colored knit fabric.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Mona 2

November 12, 2012
It’s kind of ridiculous how much I like my LELO Mona 2. Fuck it, love. It just feels weird to...
Keep Reading
Ophoria Beyond 3 dildo on a wooden floor.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Beyond 3

April 2, 2010
I have tried many dildos that hit my G-spot with varying degrees of accuracy and sensation. Some stimulate it very...
Keep Reading
Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System
BDSMHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Under the Bed Restraint System

August 31, 2009
For a set of restraints, the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System seems to make a dangerous declaration: fuck bedposts....
Keep Reading
The Eroscillator standing proudly on a table, with the Ultra Soft Fingertip attachment (marshmallow) on it.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Eroscillator

November 8, 2009
You know those butt-ugly animals, like hairless cats and shivery Chinese Cresteds, that instinctively disgust you — until you fall...
Keep Reading
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

The pinnacle of relief

Review: Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System

Review: Luna Beads

Graphic showing me and Sid from the video, plus a shot of me suctioning skin on my hand, and a photo of the clit pump itself.

Video review: a trans + cis conversation on clit pumps

Sex toy reviewer spread: camera, laptop, to-do list, and sex toys everywhere.

The secret truth about sex toy reviewing

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