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    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Queer sex party chronicles: hi, I’m new here

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

Hi, I love you

Behold! My favorite sex toys! If you’d prefer, there’s a breakdown of my all-time faves on this page.

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  • A to Z
Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a zig-zag-patterned rainbow crocheted blanket.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

May 26, 2015
IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable Yes. Yes,... Keep Reading
NobEssence Romp on a concrete surface.
Anal ToysHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Romp

June 30, 2009
Accustomed as I am to receiving beautiful and high-quality sex toys in the mail, I usually do not feel my... Keep Reading
Liberator Fascinator Shag Throe close-up, with droplets of water all over it.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?Greatest HitsHi, I love youPositioning etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Fascinator Shag Throe

June 10, 2009
A while back, after I learned to squirt, I pleaded for someone, anyone, to buy me a Liberator Fascinator Throe.... Keep Reading
DVD cover of Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex, porn film directed by Tristan Taormino
Hi, I love youPornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex

June 19, 2009
In trying to articulate what makes much of Tristan Taormino’s porn so great, I’ve decided on this: she pushes her... Keep Reading
GiveawaysHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

February 18, 2021
Is it a sign things are finally looking up? Fuck, I’ll take anything. A pair of legendary vibrators, cult classics,... Keep Reading
njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.
Anal ToysGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Pure Plugs

September 26, 2012
I could’ve written a review for the njoy Pure Plugs before ever putting a single one in my ass. Of... Keep Reading
Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness as modeled by the lovely Penny and Bex.
Greatest HitsHarnessesHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Joque harness

November 29, 2009
In many ways, the glory of the Spareparts Hardwear Joque lies in what it is not. It’s not a re-hashing... Keep Reading
Bottles of Sliquid lined up: Sliquid Sea, Organics Gel, and Sassy.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

My favorite lube? Sliquid anything

December 12, 2012
Here are my standards for lube: That it not smell like a sanitary pad or like Nickelodeon Gak That it not... Keep Reading
DVD cover of Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men, porn film directed by Tristan Taormino
Hi, I love youPornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men

July 19, 2009
What am I gonna do with you, Tristan Taormino? Really, if you keep making innovative and hot porn like this,... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Bootie on a white sheet, next to a silver tray.
Anal ToysHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Bootie

June 4, 2009
My history with butt plugs has not been especially eventful, nor has it been particularly blissful. My first plug was... Keep Reading
Jollies Mr. Man blowjob dildo
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Mr. Man

June 25, 2009
The Jollies Mr. Man is an understated genius of a dildo. It doesn’t look special from afar, but the hole... Keep Reading
The LELO Ella, a white dildo with a flat tip, lying on a dark blue sheet. It is slightly wet.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Ella, and my first ejaculation

December 11, 2008
You always remember your first. And I’m proud to say that the LELO Ella is mine — the first toy to... Keep Reading
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet

April 5, 2008
This is one case in which I will permit the use of the word “Xtreme.” Why? Because it actually describes... Keep Reading
All hail the Vibratex Mystic Wand! On a desk next to a cute container of colorful sharpie pens.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Mystic Wand

January 12, 2011
The Vibratex Mystic Wand is a damn good sex toy. No caveats, no horror stories. It just gets things right.... Keep Reading
Me holding the Diva Cup silicone menstrual cup, with appropriately blood-colored polish on my fingernails.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Diva Cup

April 15, 2015
The Diva Cup is the greatest thing I’ve put in my vagina that has not resulted in orgasm. Whenever I use... Keep Reading
Hi, I love youPornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes

January 19, 2010
There will be squirting, tons of it — onto faces, asses, assholes, sheets. There will be spitting, punching, smothering, choking.... Keep Reading
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Movie Night: The Final Member

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A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

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