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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Queer sex party chronicles: hi, I’m new here

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

Hi, I love you

Behold! My favorite sex toys! If you’d prefer, there’s a breakdown of my all-time faves on this page.

A to Z
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
(Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a fuzzy blanket.
Guest ReviewsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

A trans woman’s orgasm savior: the (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

January 16, 2017
The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, with its robust vibrations and large head, is known as an effective vibrator for all sorts of genital... Keep Reading
Eroscillator Top Deluxe and Eroscillator 2 Plus next to each other on the floor.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Eroscillator 2 Plus vs. Top Deluxe: is 35% more power worth $55 more?

May 7, 2013
For years, literally, ever since I dubbed the Eroscillator “the best sex toy I’ve ever tried,” people have been asking me... Keep Reading
The LELO Mona 2 rechargeable vibrator in three colors: purple, red, and cerise (pink), lying on a cream-colored knit fabric.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsSunshine & RainbowsToybox ReportsVibrators

I got back-ups of my favorite vibrator and life is perfect

May 12, 2014
I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS... Keep Reading
California Exotics Turbo Glider
BanterHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsToybox ReportsVibrators

Love letter to the Turbo Glider

May 31, 2010
Dearest Turbo Glider, Hello, my dear. It’s been a while, I know. A few trysts here and there, but things... Keep Reading
Bottles of Sliquid lined up: Sliquid Sea, Organics Gel, and Sassy.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

My favorite lube? Sliquid anything

December 12, 2012
Here are my standards for lube: That it not smell like a sanitary pad or like Nickelodeon Gak That it not... Keep Reading
njoy Pure Wand stainless steel G-spot dildo on a painting of the ocean waves.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

My love, the Pure Wand (+ a few tips!)

July 26, 2010
You have come here wondering if the njoy Pure Wand is deserving of its legendary status. If this parenthesis-shaped pound... Keep Reading
Hitachi Magic Wand Original and its box, on a hardwood floor.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

December 3, 2013
I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a... Keep Reading
The Vibratex Magic Wand Plus corded vibrator dangling in front of a green plant.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Plus

January 2, 2020
There are still people making good decisions in this world. The reason I know this is because the Magic Wand... Keep Reading
Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a zig-zag-patterned rainbow crocheted blanket.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

May 26, 2015
IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable Yes. Yes,... Keep Reading
Tantus Alumina Revolve and Motion aluminum dildos lying in the snow.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Alumina Revolve & Motion

January 17, 2009
Tantus has long been known for its amazing pure silicone toys, but their new Alumina line of aluminum dildos is... Keep Reading
The simplehuman Sensor Pump on my nightstand, squirting lube onto my Pure Wand.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

June 10, 2016
Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions... Keep Reading
Hi, I love youPornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes

January 19, 2010
There will be squirting, tons of it — onto faces, asses, assholes, sheets. There will be spitting, punching, smothering, choking.... Keep Reading
Ophoria Beyond 3 dildo on a wooden floor.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Beyond 3

April 2, 2010
I have tried many dildos that hit my G-spot with varying degrees of accuracy and sensation. Some stimulate it very... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Big Boss G5 rechargeable vibrator on a wooden table.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Big Boss G5

August 16, 2012
The Fun Factory Big Boss is seriously orange. Across the room, day-glo, Manic Panic, atomic, toxic waste orange. Of course,... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Bootie on a white sheet, next to a silver tray.
Anal ToysHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Bootie

June 4, 2009
My history with butt plugs has not been especially eventful, nor has it been particularly blissful. My first plug was... Keep Reading
Papaya Toys Candy Stick
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Candy Stick

August 16, 2009
Things that I like: green toys, toys that look like ice cream. But I’ve tried one before, the Fun Factory... Keep Reading
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Movie Night: The Final Member

The hella gay rainbow dildo giveaway

A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

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