Review: G-Spoon

My vagina feels weighed down, like this dildo is trying to dump my body at the bottom of the ocean.

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildo on rough cement.

I promptly asked for the biggest size available, because of course I did. That was my mistake.

The dildo comes, of course, in other sizes manageable to the average vagina, but mine is not the average vagina. I use my vaginal distinction as justification for choosing THE HUGEST OF THE HUGE at all times. Sometimes to my glory, sometimes to my detriment.

The detriment is not, as you might assume, because it is too large to insert. Oh, that’s a breeze — 1.75″ in diameter of solid glass? No big deal. The detriment is that the G-Spoon is too damn heavy. My vagina feels weighed down, giving me the sneaking suspicion that the dildo is trying to dump my body at the bottom of the ocean, à  la Dexter.

I should’ve known better, but I didn’t.

The Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon is made of soda lime glass, which is heavier than the borosilicate used for most mass-produced glass dildos. Soda lime isn’t bothersome on smaller pieces, like the Candy-Colored Glass Dildo, but with the large version of the G-Spoon, the sensation that overrides all others is one of weight. And I… can’t get past it.

Undoubtedly, this is one of the most gorgeous toys I own. It looks like one of those vintage distressed tables you’d see on Pinterest. It has crevasses down its length that collect vag juice like a mofo — and require toothbrush clean-up. If you are highly motivated you could probably turn this dildo into a luge for squirt. (Porn producers, take note.)

With my particular G-Spoon, the large side is the only usable one because the smaller side is too blunt. Maybe I’m being neurotic, but for $150 I can only insert like 4 1/2 inches out of a foot, which feels like a waste. Or maybe it only does because the stimulation is not awesome.

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildo on rough cement, with greenery in the background.

See, I wanted the G-Spoon to be like a glass version of the NobEssence Seduction. The idea seemed reasonable… at one point. But with this kind of weight, any G-spot stimulation is drowned out. And that bulge on the underside? My vagina does not agree with it.

I kept giving the G-Spoon the benefit of the doubt. Multiple benefits of the doubt, many more than I usually give, because who DOESN’T love Fucking Sculptures? I kept thinking maybe my vagina’s being ornery today. But no, the shape just does not feel good to me.

I like some weight in my butt. I know that. But in my vag, I guess not. Not this much of it. And not in this shape.

No disrespect to Fucking Sculptures. They’re wonderful, sweet, and have their heads on straight. Any company that just outright names themselves Fucking Sculptures, giving the finger to every coy sex toy company ever, can’t be bad. Any company that makes all of their toys by hand, in a non-porous and gorgeous material, can’t be bad.

But I’ve learned a valuable lesson here: I will never be done learning from my vagina. It will continue to surprise me with both what it can handle, what it can’t handle, and all the nuances it can discern. I may never be able to just look at something and know, with certainty, whether I will like it. A depressing thought indeed.

Each Fucking Sculptures piece is handmade, so they differ from dildo to dildo. Factor weight into your decision the way I didn’t, and you should be fine. Really, I’ve heard the medium version of this toy is great.