[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] 2017 was a landmark year for this old blog. I commemorated an entire decade of blogging about sex toys, got verified on Twitter (a longtime goal, shhhh), and found myself on the cover of SheVibe for a whole dang month. It was a year of new materials, in which my vag finally experienced crystal and porcelain. I gave you a grand tour of my majestic sex toy closet, watched in amazement as a dude fucked his own ass with his own dick and, somewhat accidentally but still hilariously, got stoned via my ass. What a world. This year, I vacationed to Maui with my mom, where I interviewed her about my queer . . . read more

I should start with an apology, because when this line of sex toys came out, I mocked it. “Hahahahaha Doc Johnson acting like they invented silicone,” I tweeted derisively. But what I didn’t realize is that these aren’t garden-variety silicone toys — they’re made of squishy dual-density silicone, and I am so on board with more affordable dual-density dildos. (“TruSkyn,” though? Still ludicrous. Good lord, when will misspelling words become uncool again?) So, I must eat my hat. I’m sorry for preemptively ridiculing TruSkyn. While I do think it’s amusing to watch bigwig sex toy manufacturers “discover” body-safe materials 500 years behind everybody else, it can only be a good thing for consumers. Dual-density silicone has been the domain of indie . . . read more

As exciting as my vagina is to you people, I know it’s not the be-all-end-all of genitals. There are certain toys that I just can’t accurately review, and one of those is the Doc Johnson Good Head Helping Head, also known as the Bro Sleeve. It’s inexpensive ($12) and favored by some trans guys for its shorter length. I was thrilled when my friend Sid Need volunteered to write about his experience with it. I originally read about the Bro Sleeve in a review through Early to Bed. They market it as a masturbation sleeve for trans men, although its other purpose (and its original intended purpose) is as a shaft-swaddling short sleeve that leaves the head of the penis exposed during . . . read more

In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything. Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. I scoured the catalogs of online sex shops, familiarizing myself with . . . read more

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] Ahhh, yearly traditions! As 2012 comes to a close (how did that happen, though, seriously?!), the time has come for me to recount my most loved and most hated sex toys that I tried this year. As in 2011 and 2010, I’ll first list the best/worst toys, then give out faux awards such as “Most Heinous Battery Compartment” and “I Risked My Life For You; You Are Welcome.” Don’t forget to comment with which toys you loved and hated this year! Best sex toys of 2012 Crystal Delights Crystal Twist — I thought I’d felt it all, especially when it came to glass dildos. I had not. The Crystal Twist is an . . . read more

[Note: I no longer support James Deen or his work. Besides, these dildos aren’t produced anymore and any VixSkin dildo is better anyway. Maybe the Outlaw, Maverick, or Bandit?] THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years, I think I can call myself an honorary Deenager. I have tagged him relentlessly, featured his ridiculously hot antics time after time in my Jack-off Journals, and even defended his honor when some fool on Nightline called his popularity “deeply disturbing.” So when Doc Johnson announced they’d be making his cock into a dildo, yes, the once-dormant teenybopper in me flailed a bit. I’ve never wanted a sex toy molded after anyone in particular, but James is ~different~. He is everyone’s . . . read more

In the biggest product name FAIL of all time, I present to you the Joy Finger from Doc Johnson. I can guarantee you this rubber abomination is not going to provide you with joy. Unless your definition of joy is “a wiggly, floppy sensation that may or may not leach chemicals into one’s vagina.” Personally, I can think of nothing sexier than a sex toy that looks like a Halloween gag. Just add some fake blood and you’re good to go! Also, one reviewer reports that the Joy Finger has an “intense fruity odor.” I rest my case.

Sure, bullet/egg vibes rule. They’re tiny and portable and made for the clit. In a way, they’re all bound to be winners, as long as they have decent power. But at some point, I have start asking hard questions. Such as: does the Doc Johnson iVibe Egg provide 50-dollar sensations? And: is there such a thing as too compact? The answers are not good. It doesn’t provide 50-dollar sensations, and it is just too damn tiny (2″ long, 1/2″ wide). Tucking it against my clit inside my underwear is one thing — it works perfectly for that. Sticking it in the base of a silicone dildo works swimmingly, too. But as a handheld bullet, it’s just bothersome. Its smallness means . . . read more