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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Queer sex party chronicles: hi, I’m new here

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

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Pipedream Original Peter Piper pipe/dildo hybrid against a psychedelic rainbow background.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

August 9, 2012
So this is an actual thing. I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the... Keep Reading
A headless man holding a Magic Wand and a realistic dildo toward the camera.
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To all the men wanting to talk their wives into sex toys

June 17, 2019
I can see through you, and I don’t like what I see. You email me under the guise of caring.... Keep Reading
Banner for Jack's Blowjob Lessons site, featuring a cartoon dude with a mullet and shades.
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Jack’s Blowjob Lessons: the scam and the take-down

February 6, 2012
A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook.... Keep Reading
Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

July 10, 2015
Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina... Keep Reading
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: OhMyG

June 16, 2020
It freaks me out to imagine the questions sex toy shoppers of today must ask themselves. The landscape of options... Keep Reading
Wet for Her silicone finger extender
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Two

October 11, 2010
The Wet for Her Two is… um, actually, what is it? Is it a dildo? A sleeve? Should I call it... Keep Reading
PornSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Brent Corrigan’s Summit

June 2, 2009
Brent Corrigan’s Summit is supposed to be a reality-style porn film. All the stars journeyed to a Lake Tahoe cabin... Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

Watch battery bullets can suck it

April 6, 2010
Hey, watch battery bullets — have I told you lately to suck it? No? Yeah, that’s because usually when a... Keep Reading
A blister pack of four sample sizes of stimulating creams, called "Me So Horny Cream," "Anal Eaze," "Moist," and "Sure Grip." At least they're sample sizes?
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Make Her Slap You Kit

May 24, 2011
This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you... Keep Reading
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Turn Me On Vibrating Panties

April 20, 2010
Sometimes, even almighty sex toy reviewers make dumb mistakes. I made a huge one when I saw the Booty Parlor... Keep Reading
G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop all wrapped up on each end... like a lollipop. I guess?
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: J-Pop

February 27, 2013
The G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop begins with a mistake — by getting way too literal about things. Always an ominous sign. Since it’s... Keep Reading
Strapless strap-on dildos. Tantus Feeldoe More, Tantus Realdoe Stout, Fun Factory ShareVibe, Happy Valley Tango.
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos

March 27, 2017
I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness,... Keep Reading
LELO Sona "sonic" air flow vibrator on a flower-patterned plate.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Sona Cruise

November 13, 2018
You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an... Keep Reading
Penis ToysPop ShotsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Pop Shot: Minerva

May 27, 2009
The grapevine says that the Minerva cock ring by California Exotic is a pretty good cock ring. The grapevine is... Keep Reading
Pleasure... Mitts. Rubbery gloves with spikes all over, because that's hot.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

June 1, 2012
Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want... Keep Reading
Table of dildos! And camera! And notebook! And laptops! And coffee!
BanterBlogger LyfeGreatest HitsGuidesSo You Wanna Be a Sex BloggerTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

15 rules for writing a sex toy review that doesn’t royally suck

December 12, 2010
There is no rulebook for writing sex toy reviews, but any longtime reviewer will tell you that there are definite... Keep Reading
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I wish interviewers would stop asking me what's missing in the sex toy industry because I can't refrain from writing an ENTIRE NOVEL
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Latest posts

Movie Night: The Final Member

The hella gay rainbow dildo giveaway

A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

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