Jan 072015

Jopen Key Ceres Lace Massager vibratorI believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more.

This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo). Functionally, the Ceres toys aren’t a hell of a lot different than what Evolved and Bswish have been doing for years. The Bgood Deluxe Curve, for instance, looks pretty similar to the Ceres G-Spot — for $25 less.

But Jopen is LUXURY! Or so they think.

The Ceres Lace takes 2 AAs. There’s a thin plastic sheath inside the toy that you have to remove and insert the batteries tightly into. Printed on the sheath: Noise-proof tube. Do not discard. It’s kind of upsetting when you realize all that’s keeping your “luxury” vibrator from buzzing like a household appliance is a thin ribbon of plastic. Like, that’s where your $65 went?

The Ceres Lace has 7 settings, all of which are strongish and buzzy. Since it only has one steady setting, the chances of me using it for clitoral stimulation are 0.000001%. It would get me off, but let’s be real — I’ve got better things to hold against my clitoris. The 6 patterns are what you’d expect: a combination of pulsation and escalation.

The “stainless alloy” button is easy to push theoretically, but in use the angle is a bit wrong. It doesn’t ruin my life, but it can be hard to press in the right spot.

The Ceres Lace would be awesome if made with squishier silicone, or just more silicone, like Fun Factory does with their vibes. As is, it’s so rigid it may as well be plastic. Well, plastic with drag to it. It feels scratchy and not fun at first, as extremely textured toys tend to, but becomes more pleasurable as I become more aroused and keep adding MORE LUBE. When I’m near orgasm I can twist it to and fro and my G-spot likes it, but my G-spot is a crazy bitch who likes everything. Especially close to orgasm.

This toy did spur me to create new texture-related blog categories — bumps, ridges, swirls, and bloops — and it doesn’t really fit into any of them, which is commendable. But most days, the Ceres Lace is too much texture and not enough G-spot stimulation. Its buzzy vibrations, while great for diluting the craziness of the texture, can’t propel it to stardom.

The Ceres Lace is like a movie I’d rate 6 on IMDB. It’s enjoyable, momentarily, and like Lovelace fulfilled its role of keeping me occupied for its duration, the Ceres Lace does its job of being something that hangs out in my vagina while I get off. It works. But I’d never seek it out again, and I’ll probably forget its name — because I can do without it.

Another issue is that those “cute” little thatches collect every bit of vag crust imaginable. While I dream of hiring someone to clean my sex toys on a regular basis, even the most skilled professional would not be able to eradicate every bit of it. Sad but true: the thought of having to clean the Ceres Lace outweighs any desire I might have to use it. The cleaning is that annoying, and the toy is that unexceptional. I prefer the Splash, Ash Girl, or Star Delight.

You may be an ideal candidate for this vibrator if a) you LOVE extreme textures, b) you love buzzy internal vibrations, c) you don’t desperately need G-spot stimulation, and d) you’re not a whiner and can handle the clean-up involved. I am not the ideal candidate. I only fulfill a), and sometimes b). Never d) — I’ll always be a whiner.

  • Generally I like selling the Key toys, but that…looks…challenging.

  • I giggled wildly when it sounded like a motorcycle revving towards the end of the clip.

  • Emma

    New texture category: prison

  • It looks like it has one of those covers you find on asian pears embedded in it. Or maybe an onion bag. That isn’t a compliment (though I love asian pears and onions).

  • Should I not have spared you ALL THE OTHER PATTERNS?

  • Nailed it. 🙂

  • Given how it sounds like a motorcycle revving at the end and the chain link fence look, I’m thinking the ideal use of this toy is while reading Sons of Anarchy slash.

  • Mary Q. Contrary

    LOL! I about died laughing at the noise comparison!

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    I keep looking at it and thinking, “it looks like a blue salame.”

    And while some varieties of salame do arouse me, I tend to stick them in another orifice…

  • Julz

    Silly question…how do you get the batteries *out*? I just got the ceres g and I swear noise reducer + toy has eaten my batteries and won’t give them back.

  • Curious

    Hey Epiphora, just wanted to ask if you are planning to review Womanizer at some point in the future? It is the tackiest toy I’ve ever seen in my life (hot pink, leopard print and crystals-all on the same toy), but the initial reviews (google-translated from German) are very promissing. I need in expert opinion to justify a $200 purchase.

  • Nichole Herrin

    holy shit, without the tube it sounded like a weed wacker.

  • SillyHead

    Sooo, I’m here in the comments on a subpar vibrator to ask about a good one, the Wahl. For those who do/might have sensitive clits, do you think the Wahl would be worth getting and then using through layers of fabric? Like clothes or a towel or something. I have an extremely limited budget (making the Wahl one of the few toys I can currently afford) and I’d really like to know what people talk about when they say vibrations are pleasurable but I’m intimidated by the idea of jackhammering my delicate bits. I wouldn’t have to worry about blocking dildo entrance as I don’t have any of those yet either.

  • Shark

    You can buy a 10 dollar lamp dimmer to plug the wahl into. It will let you control it to it’s lowest levels of vibration. My dimmer ended up giving it a heartbeat style pattern, only faster. It turns it into a whole new massager.

    It’s cheaper if you buy it from walgreens with their rewards card. In my neighborhood you spend 14.99. You might even be able to find a lamp dimmer for 7 dollars.

  • Pantophile Panic

    Holy fuck is that thing loud without that tiny piece of plastic. My heart aches for the poor soul who accidentally throws that little tube away and is forced to either listen to the sound of a thousand angry hornets in their ear whenever they use the Ceres Lace or throw away their $65 sex toy.

  • Kendra Richards

    LOL. You hit it that one perfectly! 😉 Hahahaha!

  • Yes! I’m in contact with the company but looks like they won’t send me one until end of February.

  • Ugh, I have to hit it really hard against my palm.

  • I think yes! I mean, for $15 what could really go wrong? If it’s not strong enough, take away fabric. If too strong, add fabric.

  • Curious

    That’s great! I wonder why the company in not more proactive in involving bloggers, but I shall patiently wait for your review then. Big thanks for answering me.

  • SillyHead

    Thank you!! 😀 I’m getting it! It’s $10 more for the only listing of it on Amazon that specifies it has the warranty but I’m throwing that sucker in my cart. Making it come to me lol

  • SillyHead

    Whoa, that’s cool! Definitely gonna be on the lookout for a lamp dimmer, thanks!

  • Oh my god!

  • Roxy James

    I wish I had read this review before my purchase. This product is awful and their customer service is atrocious! The ribbed “lace” pattern more accurately resembles the look and feel of a chain link fence. It cause my vagina sensitivity and discomfort. I really wish I hadn’t wasted $65 on this. I am so disappointed.

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