Jan 072015
 

Jopen Key Ceres Lace Massager vibratorI believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more.

This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo). Functionally, the Ceres toys aren’t a hell of a lot different than what Evolved and Bswish have been doing for years. The Bgood Deluxe Curve, for instance, looks pretty similar to the Ceres G-Spot — for $25 less.

But Jopen is LUXURY! Or so they think.

The Ceres Lace takes 2 AAs. There’s a thin plastic sheath inside the toy that you have to remove and insert the batteries tightly into. Printed on the sheath: Noise-proof tube. Do not discard. It’s kind of upsetting when you realize all that’s keeping your “luxury” vibrator from buzzing like a household appliance is a thin ribbon of plastic. Like, that’s where your $65 went?

The Ceres Lace has 7 settings, all of which are strongish and buzzy. Since it only has one steady setting, the chances of me using it for clitoral stimulation are 0.000001%. It would get me off, but let’s be real — I’ve got better things to hold against my clitoris. The 6 patterns are what you’d expect: a combination of pulsation and escalation.

The “stainless alloy” button is easy to push theoretically, but in use the angle is a bit wrong. It doesn’t ruin my life, but it can be hard to press in the right spot.

The Ceres Lace would be awesome if made with squishier silicone, or just more silicone, like Fun Factory does with their vibes. As is, it’s so rigid it may as well be plastic. Well, plastic with drag to it. It feels scratchy and not fun at first, as extremely textured toys tend to, but becomes more pleasurable as I become more aroused and keep adding MORE LUBE. When I’m near orgasm I can twist it to and fro and my G-spot likes it, but my G-spot is a crazy bitch who likes everything. Especially close to orgasm.

This toy did spur me to create new texture-related blog categories — bumps, ridges, swirls, and bloops — and it doesn’t really fit into any of them, which is commendable. But most days, the Ceres Lace is too much texture and not enough G-spot stimulation. Its buzzy vibrations, while great for diluting the craziness of the texture, can’t propel it to stardom.

The Ceres Lace is like a movie I’d rate 6 on IMDB. It’s enjoyable, momentarily, and like Lovelace fulfilled its role of keeping me occupied for its duration, the Ceres Lace does its job of being something that hangs out in my vagina while I get off. It works. But I’d never seek it out again, and I’ll probably forget its name — because I can do without it.

Another issue is that those “cute” little thatches collect every bit of vag crust imaginable. While I dream of hiring someone to clean my sex toys on a regular basis, even the most skilled professional would not be able to eradicate every bit of it. Sad but true: the thought of having to clean the Ceres Lace outweighs any desire I might have to use it. The cleaning is that annoying, and the toy is that unexceptional. I prefer the Splash, Ash Girl, or Star Delight.

You may be an ideal candidate for this vibrator if a) you LOVE extreme textures, b) you love buzzy internal vibrations, c) you don’t desperately need G-spot stimulation, and d) you’re not a whiner and can handle the clean-up involved. I am not the ideal candidate. I only fulfill a), and sometimes b). Never d) — I’ll always be a whiner.

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