vag gunk collector

No matter what I do, my vag gunk will cling to these toys for dear life.

Review: Rave

Review: Rave

It was 10:15 am, just a bit before I needed to leave for work, when the We-Vibe Rave arrived in the mail. I was already dressed — pants, shirt, shoes. My hair was wet from a shower. I’d already had one orgasm that morning, in bed with my fingers after a hot dream, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t have my glasses on yet, but there was no time for that. Nor was there time to give the vibrator an initial charge. I took the Rave straight out of its packaging, turned it on, and unbuttoned my pants. I pulled up some porn on my laptop, shoved my underwear to the side, and pressed the vibrator against my clit in a blurry-eyed haze. Yes. . . . read more

Review: Ceres Lace

Review: Ceres Lace

I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more. This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo). Functionally, the Ceres toys aren’t a hell of a lot different than what Evolved and Bswish have been doing for years. The Bgood Deluxe Curve, for . . . read more

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Review: The Ash Girl

Review: The Ash Girl

I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess what’s inside? Three Crystal Delights dildos. Nothing else. Crystal Delights is best known for their bejeweled and tail-adorned butt plugs, but to me, they are makers of the greatest most high-quality glass dildos known to man. The Star Delight is a staple in my toybox (used often as a reprieve, or finisher, when other toys fail), and the Crystal Twist is a fabulously weird G-spotting dildo that ranks up there with the best of them. Therefore, I . . . read more

Review: Magic Banana

Review: Magic Banana

Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lock, thighmaster, or lasso and thought, “oh hey, I bet that’d be good in my vagina”? Yeah, me either. And so, I was prepared to hate the Magic Banana, because: 1. Just look at it. 2. It’s called the Magic Banana. 3. Just look at it. 4. It came with a “note on empowerment.” 5. Just look at it. COMING SOON TO A VAGINA NEAR YOU! TOTAL AND COMPLETE EMPOWERMENT! THE REVOLUTION WOMEN HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!1 THE REVOLUTION WILL BE VAGINIZED! FEMINISM OVER! Truth from a friend: “I feel like that’s not how empowerment works… people don’t mail it to you.” Shrink wrapped in a box patterned like a banana leaf, the Magic Banana is . . . read more

Review: Soraya

Review: Soraya

The world of luxury1 rabbit vibes is not an expansive one. Fun Factory has some with varying degrees of success; Cal Exotics is trying really hard with a bazillion styles in their Jopen line; once in a while some moron will release one with dubious “technology” in it. But generally, when someone wants a luxury toy, they think of LELO. The LELO Soraya is sort-of like a mash-up between the LELO Ina and the LELO Isla, two vibrators which caused me immense pain and immense indifference, respectively. I am pleased to report that the Soraya does not cause me any pain, but… I do feel pretty indifferent toward it. Like, I’m mildly pleased with it, but that’s as far as I’ll go. The . . . read more

Review: Isla

Review: Isla

The LELO Isla is one of three toys in LELO’s new Insignia line. These toys are characterized by cut-out handles and metallic cores, but my favorite part is that the toys come with brooches. At the risk of turning a review of a luxury sex toy into a grotesque experience, the brooch just made me think of bro-oches. Which is an awesome association, in my world, but could be nightmare-inducing for you. As if there is any way to recover from that link, here are some non-frightening facts. Isla is quite slim (a little over an inch in diameter) and lightly curved. The whole thing’s 8.5″ long, but only about 5.5″ of that is insertable. The inner silver core is metallic-coated . . . read more

Review: Eroscillator

Review: Eroscillator

You know those butt-ugly animals, like hairless cats and shivery Chinese Cresteds, that instinctively disgust you — until you fall in love with one, and then you want to bitch out anyone who dares judge your snookum-wookum on its external appearance? That’s how I’ve become, very quickly, with the Eroscillator. It is my darling, my little copper-colored1 sweet. And you can have it from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. Because this is the best sex toy I’ve ever tried. Full stop, end of discussion. True to its name, the Eroscillator oscillates rather than producing regular up and down vibrations. That may not sound amazing to you, and I understand. I used to wonder what oscillating . . . read more

d
c