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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random
DVD cover of Champion, queer porn directed by Shine Louise Houston
PornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Champion

July 7, 2009
Go ahead, tar and feather me… I didn’t love Champion. It pains me not to fall head-over-heels in love with...
Keep Reading
Anal ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Alumina Pace

July 3, 2009
After my disappointing experience with California Exotic’s aluminum butt plugs, Metis Black (president of Tantus) offered to send me Tantus’s...
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NobEssence Romp on a concrete surface.
Anal ToysHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Romp

June 30, 2009
Accustomed as I am to receiving beautiful and high-quality sex toys in the mail, I usually do not feel my...
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"The Industry"BanterWhine Time

Don Wands keeps digging

June 27, 2009
“Our remarks were appropriate.” —Email to me from Don Wands I knew this Don Wands fiasco was not over when I...
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"The Industry"BanterWhine Time

Or you could get defensive

June 26, 2009
When I write a negative review of a toy, I don’t expect to ever hear from the company that produced...
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Pop ShotsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Pop Shot: Astrea I vibrating brief

June 26, 2009
The Astrea I vibrating panties are “one size fits most,” which of course means “one size fits size small.” It cuts...
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Jollies Mr. Man blowjob dildo
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Mr. Man

June 25, 2009
The Jollies Mr. Man is an understated genius of a dildo. It doesn’t look special from afar, but the hole...
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Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Treeze Wave

June 24, 2009
I used to hold to the unfounded belief that making any material vibrate would be an accomplishment. Trying the Don Wands...
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PornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Finger Licking Good 6

June 24, 2009
Genre: LesbianDirector: Mike QuasarLength: 2 hours, 7 minutesCast: Jana Jordan, Sophia Santi, Erin Avery, Georgia Jones, Sochee Mala, Kimberly Kane,...
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Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Love Liquid

June 24, 2009
Kama Sutra Love Liquid is water-based, but the untrained eye and vagina might think it silicone-based. It is insanely thin....
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Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: iVibe Egg

June 23, 2009
Sure, bullet/egg vibes rule. They’re tiny and portable and made for the clit. In a way, they’re all bound to...
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DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Curve

June 21, 2009
The Fun Factory Curve is a curly 100% silicone dildo that is not ashamed of its adorableness. It’s made of a...
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Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Waterproof Slender Probe

June 20, 2009
There’s only so much you can say about a $20 plastic vibrator, and so I won’t say much. The Waterproof...
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DVD cover of Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex, porn film directed by Tristan Taormino
Hi, I love youPornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex

June 19, 2009
In trying to articulate what makes much of Tristan Taormino’s porn so great, I’ve decided on this: she pushes her...
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BanterGiveawaysTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

Saying “dildo” on Twitter

June 18, 2009
It’s easy to forget, especially within my sex toy bubble, that there are all kinds of people on Twitter. Look...
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The Taffy Tickler Silicone Sweets glass dildo, covered in little orange spikes, standing upright near some pointy green fake grass.
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Taffy Tickler Silicone Sweets

June 14, 2009
On the front of the package, a circle of orange spines say, “Try Me.” You feel them; they are glossy,...
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.

Review: Little Chroma

Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator on an ornate rug.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Bubble Love pleasure jet and Dilly dildo attachment on an old boat dock.

Review: Bubble Love

Bendable Vertebrae vibrators: colorful, worm-like vibrators in strange positions... because they have SPINES.

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

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