I’m not the type to chase adventure. Some people hop on roller coasters, travel to far-off lands, skydive out of planes… but I don’t pine for that rush of adrenaline. I’m more of a homebody, thriving most on routine and safety. My idea of an exciting time? Masturbating with a bizarre new sex toy to determine, once and for all, how its weird shape feels against my genitals. I first saw the Fun Factory Volta in a brief, fleeting Instagram video my friend sent me to ridicule. “It looks like a vibrating duck beak,” they said. “It scares me.” I showed the link to my girlfriend, who promptly typed back, “why does everyone want to slap the clit!” But I was . . . read more

When you’re a sex toy reviewer, certain toys can feel like a blessing from above. Mediocre masturbation sessions are par for the course with this job, and even toys that aren’t exceptionally terrible can start to feel insulting and exhausting after a while. If you’re lucky, there’s one toy in your to-review queue that you actually enjoy using. One that is effortlessly satisfying, enough to get you out of your head a little, remind you that sometimes this gig ain’t so bad. There should be a name for toys like this… hmm, “savior toys”? The Zumio X is my savior toy of the last few months. Sometimes, it was the reason I kept masturbating when I wanted to stop. I’d . . . read more

You’re mid-masturbation and you’ve forgotten what it’s like for orgasm to feel achievable. You’re doing everything right, theoretically: the vibrator’s cranked up to its highest intensity, held faithfully against the favored side of your clit. You’re watching queer porn. Your vulva is well-lubricated. The cats are at bay. There is no reason this should be unpleasant. Except that the vibrator you’re using is absolute shit. Does it even qualify as a vibrator, really? These “vibrations” are pathetic and so, so buzzy. It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. Actually, the emotion you feel is irritation — and it’s tainting everything. You become inordinately annoyed at the porn for daring to jump between sex and interviews; you need all the eroticism you can . . . read more

What is life if not a series of attempts at proving arrogant men wrong? I never wanted to have to review My Celebrator. I’ve known about this vibrator for years; people like to excitedly email me and alert me to its existence, flailing about its supposed oscillation and “low” price of $40. It has happened often enough for me to become sufficiently jaded about it. So, last year, while sitting in Joan Price’s senior sex workshop at Woodhull, I was sadly unsurprised when a male member of the audience piped up to mention My Celebrator… as an alternative to Joan’s (and my, and a lot of peoples’) beloved Eroscillator. Because… you know… dudes know these things. There were at least six sex . . . read more

[What’s my favorite way to use the Tango? Like this for hands-free orgasms!] Dude, man, guys, shit, dawg. Everyone loves the We-Vibe Tango. I’m totally late to the party. Then again, I was also late to anal beads, smartphones, and liking the Hitachi, so it’s not as if you should trust my timing on anything (except having an orgasm right when the corn dog timer goes off — I’m great at that.) Other contenders have come and gone, but the fact remains: the We-Vibe Tango — and its sibling the Touch — are the strongest, rumbliest rechargeable vibrators out there for their size. Unlike most little rechargeable clit vibes, the Tango is made only of plastic. No silicone to cushion or buffer the sensation. Vibrations shine through loud and clear. . . . read more

The Leaf Life looks like something you’d pick up along a nature trail. Colored a cheery green and shaped like a fat leaf or a pointy slug, the Life is manufactured by BMS Factory and comes from a line of vibes inspired by nature that I found too intriguing to ignore. And I’m glad I tried one (the right one, perhaps), because… I really like it. The Life comes in a brown cardboard box that looks all eco-schmancy, but there’s nothing that makes this toy more eco-friendly than any other rechargeable vibe. It does come with a sweet storage bag. It does not charge magnetically, but instead one must impale the toy with a jack in the same way as with the . . . read more

Here’s a sentence only a sex toy freak would ever write: I’ve been waiting a long time for a company to make a rechargeable clit toy with a pointy tip. One of my first favorite clit vibes was a bullet with a pointy tip, but I abandoned it long ago in favor of deeper stimulation and rechargeability. I’ve grown accustomed to other shapes, but my clit still loves pinpoint stimulation. The We-Vibe Touch doesn’t photograph well at all. It looks like a damn potato. It always appears wider, with no emphasis on its tapered tip. I almost overlooked it — especially since the classic We-Vibe is questionable — but I’m really glad I didn’t. The Touch is not perfect, but it is my . . . read more

My standards for the Toyfriends were laughably low. I reviewed their predecessors, the Ticklers, and was astonished by with their lack of power. Although the Toyfriends are bigger and take AAA batteries rather than Ns, I was very skeptical. There are four different Toyfriends: Coney (black), Bubbly (pink), Nosy (yellow), and Seti (blue). And yes, Seti is named after the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence — the manual even says so! Each toy is 7-8″ long and comes with a clear plastic stand and batteries. Each toy takes 2 AAA batteries, inserted into the base side-by-side. The silicone on the Toyfriends is very silky to the touch. The shafts are completely rigid, and the heads don’t have much give (the necks bend, . . . read more

The Toyfriend Ticklers will fool you, with their neon colors and cute-ass shapes. But their adorableness is matched, even overtaken, by their failure. Is it really failure, though, if all they do is live up to their name? They… tickle. Well, I’m still disappointed. I received the Mystic Tickler and the Bunny Tickler. Both are made of 100% silicone. Each comes with an N battery and a transparent plastic stand (since obvs I want to display my little alien and bunny clit friends). Each has one speed, but the speeds are different: the Mystic’s vibration is exceedingly weak and doesn’t transfer to the antennae at all, while the Bunny has a stronger vibration that, well, still sucks. Neither one could . . . read more