May 212013
 

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

January 24th, 2013

I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly Kane, but turns out it was just a 9-minute smothering video and only about 3 minutes contained actual naked pussy over mouth. My next choice of smut, then, was the Hangover parody — James Deen’s scene with Dana Dearmond. At one point I minimized it, and suddenly it sounded like a tiger tearing flesh. APPARENTLY THIS WAS HAPPENING:

James Deen and Dana Dearmond in The Official Hangover Parody

Something similar took place earlier in the month when I was watching Kristina Rose: Unfiltered. Is this a hot new ~thing~? Please say no. It hurts my skin.

Kristina Rose: Unfiltered

Throughout all of this, one of my cats kept insistently yowling at me. So I got up and shuffled into the kitchen, pajama pants around my ankles, to give her some treats. “I’m glad you don’t understand how ridiculous I look right now,” I said to her. Then I returned to my post at the desk and finished jacking off.

February 14th, 2013

For the first time in months after getting the Nexplanon in my arm, I was bleeding. Fairly heavily. Most of it was just chilling in my vagina, though, waiting to be carved out with a toy. So I did that with the best possible object: the Jopen Key Comet G Wand. I also tried this new lube, Please Cream from Good Vibes. Boy is it white!

You’d think a movie called Anal Plungers would have nothing of substance, but then… James Deen happens. In a scene with Lily LaBeau and this camera angle…

James Deen and Lily Labeau in Anal Plungers

He stops thrusting and just watches her get herself off — a quiet, nearly silent orgasm punctuated only by him growling “oh my god” as he watches.

UGH, JAMES DEEN, YOU’RE TOO MUCH ALWAYS.

March 1st, 2013

As I was masturbating, the cat came and LAID BETWEEN MY ANKLES, on top of my dropped pajama pants. Motherfucker is clueless.

When I was done, I instant messaged my boyfriend.

Epiphora: okay i am done and all obscene objects have been removed from my orifices
Epiphora: you are free to roam

March 23rd, 2013

Morning. I woke up from an actual nightmare in which I was super horny but every toy I reached for had no charge ((First-world problems to the MAX.)), so I uncharacteristically wanted to jack off before even leaving bed. Since I’m a freak and none of my toys are in the bedroom, I had to go get one out of my drawers in the living room. I grabbed the Leaf Life because in the dream it was the dead, distressing one. Jacked off with a snoozing cat in bed next to me.

April 11th, 2013

Ready to get shit done, the sex toys of this masturbation session were entirely determined by reader emails. People often ask me things that I can’t answer until I jack off — a funny predicament to have. And so I lugged out the LELO SmartWands and several Vixen dildos for the purpose of definitively answering questions.

But the SmartWands were dead, drained of a charge, and my self-control is disgustingly bad. This is the session I called “a disastrous failure on several reviewer-levels” because, despite three orgasms (one on each setting of Britni’s Eroscillator — no joke), I repeatedly came too soon and didn’t gather nearly enough information. This is my life.

April 19th, 2013

I sat down with the Eroscillators and the Fun Factory Stronic Eins once and for all, feasting my eyes on Code of Honor. Watching James Deen and Stoya ooze cuteness all over each other, I tweeted, “Testing sex toys that are good while watching @JamesDeen and @Stoya is a recipe for disaster.”

James Deen and Stoya in Code of Honor

AND THEN STOYA REPLIED.

The whole time I was like PLAY IT COOL, EPIPHORA, PLAY IT COOL. I wasn’t always sold on her, but now I’m officially ruling her adorable. What do you guys say — I should definitely add “and Stoya replied to me on Twitter once” to my about page, right?

I had four fucking orgasms by the end of this session. Told you so.

May 3rd, 2013

Picking up where I left off on April 11th, I laid out a smorgasbord of sex toys for comparison. Yet I remained doubtful that I’d use all of them, because, uh, there were NINE.

 Left to rightEroscillatorsLELO Smart WandsHathor lubeVixen Johnny,
Vixen OutlawVixen MaverickVixen BuckVixen Mustang.

The field was immediately narrowed when neither of the Smart Wands would turn on. Those fucking Smart Wands do not hold a charge for shit. I am over them.

I watched Allie Haze: I Love Sex, in a scene which did not include Allie Haze but rather Sasha Sweet. Chosen, of course, for the Deen. But what I got instead was a PORN BOMB.

James Deen and Sasha Sweet in Allie Haze I Love Sex

When it was all said and done (and all toys had been placed in/on me at various points), I had around five orgasms. Because apparently I’d rather just have more orgasms than exercise some self-control.

May 7th, 2013

Called an emergency porn-watching party with my mates so we could consume Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. I tried to persuade the others not to read the numerous articles about the video so as to avoid spoilers. Such as: Farrah doesn’t know how to unbutton a man’s jeans. Farrah uses the same tone of voice with James Deen as she does with her 4-year-old daughter. And most distressingly of all… Farrah squirts.

Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom squirting

All-out pandemonium set in when we saw the squirting. It was unequivocal. I was thinking it might be a dribble, but it was definitely a gush. Still, it seemed more like a physiological reaction than an orgasmic moment. Afterward, she responded in her usual way — “I never squirt, beebee. That’s weird. You’re sexy” — in precisely same fashion that my boyfriend said the other day, while dabbing at his nostrils, “this is weird. I never get nosebleeds.”

Real talk: there were things about this porno that made me (and my cohorts) genuinely sad. The Redhead Bedhead said it best: “I think I could successfully argue that abstinence-only education is responsible for this monstrosity.” There was very little joy in the video. She didn’t even kiss him with any passion. I was highly bothered by her inability to pleasure herself; she literally rubbed everything except her clit.

And she wanted to rush through everything. Bless his heart, James Deen tried to implement safer sex practices such as warming up before anal. He made jokes, whispered in her ear, and did his best to play along with the “sex tape” facade, but quickly and palpably realized his efforts were moot. He tried to hide it, but you could tell that he — the man who tweets things like “grapes are pretty cool” — was embarrassed to be having sex with such a soulless, inarticulate human being. You could read it all over his penis.

And she wasn’t doing so hot either. Her moans sounded like “ow” more than “oh.” She complained about her ass being in pain. She eyed the camera disconcertingly, as if she could will time to pass quicker. After the sex, the way she covered her face with a pillow and murmured “I’m embarassed” was truly brutal.

I’ll just say this: all of it was an insult to people everywhere who would give anything to fuck James Deen.

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