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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Hell Yes / Um, No

Things to be excited about, for once, and sex toys that need to be obliterated from the earth.

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Pleasure... Mitts. Rubbery gloves with spikes all over, because that's hot.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

June 1, 2012
Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want...
Keep Reading
BMS Factory Leaf vibrator line, looking very greeeeen.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Leaf

November 14, 2011
BMS Factory has not made much of anything that’s too terribly noteworthy. They make locking toy cases, an extensive line of...
Keep Reading
A lingerie-clad woman holding the Rock 'n' Roll Massager, a leopard-print vibrating make-up case. Essentially.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Rock and Roll Massager

August 4, 2011
This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS...
Keep Reading
A blister pack of four sample sizes of stimulating creams, called "Me So Horny Cream," "Anal Eaze," "Moist," and "Sure Grip." At least they're sample sizes?
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Make Her Slap You Kit

May 24, 2011
This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you...
Keep Reading
Why why why why why why. A double-ended dildo, in which one side is cream-colored, and the other is chocolate-colored.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Interracial Double Dong

April 19, 2011
Um… Er… How is this even… Why…? So you can express your racial preference… with a friend? No more arguing...
Keep Reading
Luz de la Riva Parda dildo, a C-shaped dildo made of volcanic ash stone.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Luz de la Riva Parda dildo

February 4, 2011
Um. It’s made of volcanic ash stone. It’s $430. It’s Pure Wand-shaped. And it can go in my vagina anytime,...
Keep Reading
Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope, which resembles a blue jelly snake with a vibrator attached, with its packaging.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Ecstasy Rope

November 8, 2010
The Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope is just what you always wanted: a pipe cleaner for your genitals. It is a long...
Keep Reading
Bleeding Pussy Stroker with Blood Lubricant
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No?: Topco’s Fucked line

July 23, 2010
Okay, so, Topco has this new toy line entitled Fucked, and… I’m don’t even know what to think about it....
Keep Reading
Zini's new things. WHAT ARE THEY?
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Everything Zini is making?

July 5, 2010
This is what I call a fucking tease: Oh, you want to click on the toys? See bigger pictures? Read...
Keep Reading
Bartenders porn DVD cover
BanterDirty VideosFeaturesHell Yes / Um, NoJack-off Journal

Hell Yes: Bartenders

May 16, 2010
Bartenders is the newest, yet-to-be-released feature porno from Burning Angel. Now, it takes serious hilarity to make me laugh aloud...
Keep Reading
Three underwear-clad gay dudes advertising Jack's Soda Sex in a Can series.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Jack’s Soda Sex in a Can

April 9, 2010
These cuties would like you to drink their sodas, if you know what they mean… heh, heh… Even though my...
Keep Reading
A bunch of pebble-shaped wooden objects.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Woodvibes

March 30, 2010
It’s probably unfair for me to feature a sex toy line that doesn’t even exist, but seriously, these are the...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Cobra Libre, looking like a funny car with a weird mouth, getting rained on by droplets of water.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Cobra Libre

March 7, 2010
I think Fun Factory is definitely onto something with the Cobra Libre. I’ve been wondering when someone would harness the...
Keep Reading
Joy Finger, a vibrator with a bandaid-colored human-like finger-shaped sleeve on the end.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: “Joy” Finger

March 2, 2010
In the biggest product name FAIL of all time, I present to you the Joy Finger from Doc Johnson. I...
Keep Reading
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Alice

February 23, 2010
I don’t even really know the plot of Alice in Wonderland, and yet Erica McLean and Carlos Batts’s upcoming porno...
Keep Reading
Joanna Angel's Whip Vibe, a horrific black spiked shaft with rubbery pink and black tails on the end.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Joanna Angel’s whip vibe

January 24, 2010
OH GOD, NO. DON’T COME ANY CLOSER WITH THAT THING. I KNOW WHAT THAT SHIT FEELS LIKE. I DON’T NEED...
Keep Reading
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Latest posts

Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Epiphora's orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

Movie Night: The Final Member

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