The We-Vibe 4 is almost here. It’s smaller than the We-Vibe 3, with a much-improved remote. But it’s only available in purple and pink, so I’m just gonna go to their HQ and stab someone real quick — BRB. LELO sneaked up on us with their newly-released Ida, which I loathed, so let’s move on to something hopefully better: KEGEL BALLS! They’re called Hula Beads, so I can only assume they are made of balled-up palm fronds. Apparently they rotate, vibrate, and respond to the squeezing of PC muscles. We’ll see. Tenga has a new line called Vi-Bo (ooh, they took out the r!): weird shapes and “orbs” that take watch batteries. The one that looks like an exercise device? You’re . . . read more
I’m offended by Topco’s U Touch line. I wasn’t, at first — I was legitimately intrigued and even somewhat optimistic when I first heard about it. When a big company like Topco realizes rechargeables are the way of the future, it’s reason to be excited. But apparently not that excited. This line offends me because it takes everything we love about rechargeables and shits on it. It steals what’s good and alters it until it’s 10x worse. And then it asks for $85 for the thing, as though we don’t have a precedent, as though LELO and Je Joue and Jimmyjane and Fun Factory don’t exist and haven’t spent years developing this technology. At least when LELO asks $169 for a . . . read more
In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything. Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. I scoured the catalogs of online sex shops, familiarizing myself with . . . read more
Tenga is breaking out of the masturbation sleeve box they’ve created for themselves, and are now making rechargeable vibrators. I am intrigued by these specimens. Crave, makers of the Duet, have two new vibes: Solo and Wink. Solo is a simpler version of the Duet. Wink looks like a tube of chapstick. Crystal Delights will be producing the trophies for this year’s Feminist Porn Awards! They will be Magnetic Bunny Tail Plugs. Tantus released a line of 100% silicone paddles with adorable names such as Thwack. I made the mistake of hitting my arm with one. Can anybody decipher this Korean thing called Airbee? Apparently it has a pressure sensor for kegels and Bluetooth is involved? This happened quickly: Fun Factory has announced . . . read more
Um… Er… How is this even… Why…? So you can express your racial preference… with a friend? No more arguing over whether you’ll use the creepy white double dong or the creepy black double dong? Or for solo use? Like, oh, I feel like fucking myself with a specifically white cock-side tonight! Also, there’s a fucking wire inside it. For twisting it into fantastical shapes. Why not.
Click to embiggen. Yes, my friends! The time has come! No longer will you have to slave away on the internets trying to figure out WTF that-one-toy-in-Epiphora’s-header is. No longer will you have to sheepishly email/tweet me and awkwardly try to describe the location of the toy you need identified. I took the picture that became my header image in fall of 2008, when I bought HeyEpiphora.com, so these toys are all from that time. Some of them are a bit embarrassing… Evolved Symphony Rhapsody Hitachi Magic Wand — I received my first one a little too early in my reviewing career. Yeesh. Phallix Cobalt Twister Vixen Creations Buddy — My first butt plug! It wouldn’t stay in! Liberator Fascinator Throe . . . read more
WARNING: There are several photos of paraphilia-inspired sex toys in this entry that you may find totally disgusting. Okay, so, Topco has this new toy line entitled Fucked, and… I’m don’t even know what to think about it. Not because of the gag factor (though that is definitely an issue), but because of the problematic nature of creating paraphilia-inspired toys. These toys range from the relatively tame (period sex and gaping ass) to the more icky (vomit and scat), to the possibly morally wrong. This line has the slogan “Beyond fetish, it’s FUCKED.” Many thanks to Pretty Power Tools for letting me use her photos! I approve of the Bleeding Pussy Stroker. Blood lubricant sounds awesome. I don’t approve of . . . read more
OH GOD, NO. DON’T COME ANY CLOSER WITH THAT THING. I KNOW WHAT THAT SHIT FEELS LIKE. I DON’T NEED THE SAME SPIKES TIMES A THOUSAND PLUS VIBRATION. A whip and an incognito vibe covered in silicone ticklers SPIKES 5.5 insertable inches (14 cm) of silicone-covered, vibrating bliss HELL Silicone ticklers are soft TERRIBLE against skin and ultra hygienic WILL LEAVE YOU WITH A BURNING SENSATION I showed this abomination to a friend, who promptly replied, “whoever thought that was a good idea needs to be euthanized.” This was right before we realized that that person was JOANNA ANGEL, who — I’m pretty sure — has a vagina. And a brain. I don’t even understand.
[This is the first installment of a new feature called “Um, No,” which will feature toys and other tidbits that are “WTF” and “LOL” worthy. Pocket pussies are some of the most hilarious and horrifying offenders, so I thought it only fitting that I begin with one.] Acquaint yourself with Carmen Luvana’s pussy, Austyn Moore’s pussy, Carmen Luvana’s ass, and Austyn Moore’s ass. This is, I’m guessing, the first ever conjoined twin fucktoy. Can I get a whoop whoop for symmetrical pussies and asses? And dog-bone-shaped CyberSkin? And finger holes?