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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
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  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

am I being punked?

Legit question, though…

Latest
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  • A to Z
Pipedream Original Peter Piper pipe/dildo hybrid against a psychedelic rainbow background.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

August 9, 2012
So this is an actual thing. I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the...
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Missionary Positions (2005)
FeaturesMovie Night

Movie Night: Missionary Positions

June 7, 2012
Missionary Positions is a documentary from 2005 about a quaint pair of minister dudes, Craig and Mike, who had a...
Keep Reading
Pleasure... Mitts. Rubbery gloves with spikes all over, because that's hot.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

June 1, 2012
Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want...
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Wahl, Hitachi, Rock Box
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Rock Box

May 21, 2012
Lovehoney sure likes to keep secrets from me. First it was the Sqweel, and now the ominously-named Rock Box, which I...
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BanterDirty Videos

Pornfail: Pussy painting

May 3, 2012
Have you been jonesing for a deep look into the female psyche? Then What Girls Like is the porno for...
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LELO PicoBong Kiki vibrator (photo by Mandi at EROntric, used with permission)
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Kiki

February 20, 2012
I was going to ignore PicoBong altogether. Although I was initially drawn to the brand because, well, LELO invented it...
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Banner for Jack's Blowjob Lessons site, featuring a cartoon dude with a mullet and shades.
BanterDisingenuous AssholesFeminism's Not a Dirty Word

Jack’s Blowjob Lessons: the scam and the take-down

February 6, 2012
A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook....
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LELO Lyla remote controlled vibrator, lying in the grass in Maui.
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Lyla

December 28, 2011
Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in...
Keep Reading
iVibe Massager phone app
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iVibe Massager phone app

December 21, 2011
When asking me to review the iVibe Massager iPhone app, the developer freely admitted to me — and I quote —...
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A lingerie-clad woman holding the Rock 'n' Roll Massager, a leopard-print vibrating make-up case. Essentially.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Rock and Roll Massager

August 4, 2011
This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS...
Keep Reading
Two women licking an enormous black butt plug that looks... smudged.
BanterDirty Videos

Pornfail: Mmm, rubber

July 14, 2011
Girls. I have a serious matter to discuss with you. That rubber thing you are tonguing and eating? It doesn’t...
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A blister pack of four sample sizes of stimulating creams, called "Me So Horny Cream," "Anal Eaze," "Moist," and "Sure Grip." At least they're sample sizes?
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Make Her Slap You Kit

May 24, 2011
This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you...
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Why why why why why why. A double-ended dildo, in which one side is cream-colored, and the other is chocolate-colored.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Interracial Double Dong

April 19, 2011
Um… Er… How is this even… Why…? So you can express your racial preference… with a friend? No more arguing...
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Split Dildo chillin' next to my coffee and mug warmer.
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Split Dildo

March 21, 2011
The .GIFs did me in. The mesmerizing, neverending .GIFs. I stared at them in a trance, focusing my attention on...
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BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesWhine Time

A dude’s solution to the problem of phthalates

March 8, 2011
Women! Have you been wondering how to avoid that pesky group of chemicals called phthalates that are often used to...
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Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope, which resembles a blue jelly snake with a vibrator attached, with its packaging.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Ecstasy Rope

November 8, 2010
The Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope is just what you always wanted: a pipe cleaner for your genitals. It is a long...
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Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Epiphora's orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

Movie Night: The Final Member

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