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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

am I being punked?

Legit question, though…

A to Z
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesWhine Time

A dude’s solution to the problem of phthalates

March 8, 2011
Women! Have you been wondering how to avoid that pesky group of chemicals called phthalates that are often used to...
Keep Reading
Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet.
BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

October 11, 2014
Less than a month ago we were attacked by headlines screaming that the G-spot doesn’t exist, and here we are again,...
Keep Reading
Clandestine Devices Mimic vibrator on an ancient-looking egg scale. The cons outweigh the pros.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Anatomy of a negative sex toy review (or: the Mimic)

November 12, 2017
You’re mid-masturbation and you’ve forgotten what it’s like for orgasm to feel achievable. You’re doing everything right, theoretically: the vibrator’s...
Keep Reading
Banner for Jack's Blowjob Lessons site, featuring a cartoon dude with a mullet and shades.
BanterDisingenuous AssholesFeminism's Not a Dirty Word

Jack’s Blowjob Lessons: the scam and the take-down

February 6, 2012
A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook....
Keep Reading
Dildo Diaries (2002). DVD sitting next to a purple dildo.
FeaturesMovie Night

Movie Night: Dildo Diaries

July 14, 2017
Buying a sex toy is a snap these days. Simply type “adult shop” into your Yelp app, or enter the...
Keep Reading
Missionary Positions (2005)
FeaturesMovie Night

Movie Night: Missionary Positions

June 7, 2012
Missionary Positions is a documentary from 2005 about a quaint pair of minister dudes, Craig and Mike, who had a...
Keep Reading
FeaturesGreatest HitsMovie Night

Movie Night: The Final Member

July 18, 2022
Your body is not ready for The Final Member. More than once you will feel a sudden, searing lurch in...
Keep Reading
Two women licking an enormous black butt plug that looks... smudged.
BanterDirty Videos

Pornfail: Mmm, rubber

July 14, 2011
Girls. I have a serious matter to discuss with you. That rubber thing you are tonguing and eating? It doesn’t...
Keep Reading
A rainbow-striped popsicle between a woman's butt checks, with juices running down her ass.
BanterDirty Videos

Pornfail: Popsicle “fun”

July 30, 2010
This one comes to us from the thoughtfully-titled Pound the Round 2. If you have sensitive teeth, click away now....
Keep Reading
BanterDirty Videos

Pornfail: Pussy painting

May 3, 2012
Have you been jonesing for a deep look into the female psyche? Then What Girls Like is the porno for...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Bare With Me game

March 28, 2009
Bare With Me is a sex game, so unsurprisingly, the box is beyond ridiculous; it features a jungle scene with...
Keep Reading
PornSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Bi Pole Her #3

December 24, 2008
Genre: BisexualDirector: Ed “Twinkle-Toes” Hunter (hey, that’s what it says on the cover…)Length: 2 hours, 33 minutes Cast: Nicole, Rick,...
Keep Reading
LELO Ida vibrator in a box of various nail polishes.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Ida

October 10, 2013
I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in...
Keep Reading
iGino partying with a tequila shot,.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iGino One

December 27, 2013
OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Impulse Butterfly

April 5, 2009
Don’t ask me why I had to try a strap-on vibrator. I’m ashamed to admit that I ever thought it...
Keep Reading
iVibe Massager phone app
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iVibe Massager phone app

December 21, 2011
When asking me to review the iVibe Massager iPhone app, the developer freely admitted to me — and I quote —...
Keep Reading
1 2 3

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

LELO PicoBong Kiki vibrator (photo by Mandi at EROntric, used with permission)

Review: Kiki

Me holding the Diva Cup silicone menstrual cup, with appropriately blood-colored polish on my fingernails.

Review: Diva Cup

Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.

Review: Little Chroma

Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness as modeled by the lovely Penny and Bex.

Review: Joque harness

The Taffy Tickler Silicone Sweets glass dildo, covered in little orange spikes, standing upright near some pointy green fake grass.

Review: Taffy Tickler Silicone Sweets

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