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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
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    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

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A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.
April Fool's!BanterDildosSex Toy ReviewsShenanigans

Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

April 1, 2023
The world wants to know which household objects can be used as dildos. Pervs have been googling that, pants around...
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Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

March 16, 2022
The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist...
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Review: OhMyG

June 16, 2020
It freaks me out to imagine the questions sex toy shoppers of today must ask themselves. The landscape of options...
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Review: Jellyfish 2.0 + Magma

March 24, 2019
Being a veteran sex toy blogger is a pretty sweet deal sometimes. I get to live to see most of...
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Review: Uberrime dildos (Splendid + Helios Sun God)

November 18, 2018
When I was but a wee sex toy reviewer, every new sex toy material was a treat. Not yet jaded...
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Review: Doc Johnson TruSkyn

December 10, 2017
I should start with an apology, because when this line of sex toys came out, I mocked it. “Hahahahaha Doc...
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Fun Factory Stronic G pulsator on a slab of white marble.
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Review: Stronic G

November 19, 2017
Four years ago, my G-spot was forever changed by a revolutionary sex toy called the Stronic Eins. Not really a...
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Strapless strap-on dildos. Tantus Feeldoe More, Tantus Realdoe Stout, Fun Factory ShareVibe, Happy Valley Tango.
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Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos

March 27, 2017
I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness,...
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Review: Carter

February 25, 2017
I squirt every time I use the New York Toy Collective Carter. Movement or not. No matter the external vibe....
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Review: Hole Punch Toys

April 9, 2016
There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone...
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Tiny dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory standing up on a wooden display shelf.
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Review: Tiny Dildos

April 1, 2016
Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are...
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Review: Downunder Toys

February 2, 2016
Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked. Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in...
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Fun Factory Bouncer kegel ball dildo on an off-white crumpled sheet.
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Review: Bouncer

November 12, 2015
Oh, Fun Factory. You poor things. Do you not realize what the word “bouncer” insinuates here in America? That’s the guy...
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Joyful Pleasure glass dildos: Joyful Princess, Midnight Joy, Orgasmic Key Pleasure, Joyful Blue Swirl
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Review: Joyful Pleasure glass dildos

May 1, 2015
These glass dildos from Joyful Pleasure presented me with a few obstacles. See, I have this thing with insertable objects where I feel...
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Pipedream Ceramix No. 4 ceramic dildo
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Review: Ceramix No. 4

February 3, 2015
I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean....
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Review: The Ash Girl

December 3, 2014
I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I...
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.

Review: Little Chroma

Screenshot from the now-defunct Teddy Love crowdfunding video, of a woman touching a teddy bear's nose.

Um, No: Teddy Love

LELO Mona Wave rechargeable G-spot vibrator on a rainy cement surface.

Review: Mona Wave

Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet.

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

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