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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

am I being punked?

Legit question, though…

Latest
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
FeaturesGreatest HitsMovie Night

Movie Night: The Final Member

July 18, 2022
Your body is not ready for The Final Member. More than once you will feel a sudden, searing lurch in...
Keep Reading
Wobbling Willy, a magenta dildo with a bobble head attached.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

What, you don’t want a dildo with your boyfriend’s face on it?

March 10, 2019
Why wouldn’t you want this smug bastard smiling at you while you masturbate? He looks like the kind of guy...
Keep Reading
Hot Octopuss Queen Bee oscillating rechargeable vibrator on a yellow polka dot plate.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Queen Bee

December 21, 2018
Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble...
Keep Reading
Clandestine Devices Mimic vibrator on an ancient-looking egg scale. The cons outweigh the pros.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Anatomy of a negative sex toy review (or: the Mimic)

November 12, 2017
You’re mid-masturbation and you’ve forgotten what it’s like for orgasm to feel achievable. You’re doing everything right, theoretically: the vibrator’s...
Keep Reading
Dildo Diaries (2002). DVD sitting next to a purple dildo.
FeaturesMovie Night

Movie Night: Dildo Diaries

July 14, 2017
Buying a sex toy is a snap these days. Simply type “adult shop” into your Yelp app, or enter the...
Keep Reading
Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

July 10, 2015
Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina...
Keep Reading
BlissMe vibrators: Mr. Cowboy, Mr. U.K., Mr. Right, Mr. Badboy, and Mr. C.E.O
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with… personalities

May 20, 2015
Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring? FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — BlissMe founder Daniel Mederos says...
Keep Reading
Me in my Princessa video review
April Fool's!Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Video review: Princessa

April 1, 2015
In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only...
Keep Reading
LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pino

November 24, 2014
We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces...
Keep Reading
Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet.
BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

October 11, 2014
Less than a month ago we were attacked by headlines screaming that the G-spot doesn’t exist, and here we are again,...
Keep Reading
Screenshot from the now-defunct Teddy Love crowdfunding video, of a woman touching a teddy bear's nose.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Teddy Love

June 19, 2014
This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable. A teddy bear with a vibrating muzzle? Really? This...
Keep Reading
iGino partying with a tequila shot,.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iGino One

December 27, 2013
OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ...
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Me grasping the Jopen VR1 kegel balls, with rainbow-painted nails.
Kegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

November 18, 2013
The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply. They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand...
Keep Reading
Nasstoys' Masturbating Glove. It is fingerless, cream-colored, and COVERED IN SPIKES.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

October 22, 2013
I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is...
Keep Reading
LELO Ida vibrator in a box of various nail polishes.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Ida

October 10, 2013
I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in...
Keep Reading
SEXPANDER. A vibrator with finger straps and... antennae? It looks like a slug.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Sexpander

October 11, 2012
It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with...
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1 2 3

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

My pink sex toys all together. YOU REPULSE ME.

The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

My Celebrator oscillating toothbrush vibrator on a vintage floral patterned surface.

Review: My Celebrator

Jimmyjane Form 5 and Hello Touch X vibrators (plus masking tape labels) next to some fall leaves.

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Sex toy temporary tattoos and the lengths we go through to photograph them. Photo by Kate Sinclaire.

Together, we form one fully functional human

Review: Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System

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