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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
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Gah, how I love them.

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Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.
Greatest HitsGuides

Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

November 15, 2013
If you ask me, sex toys are way better gifts than socks or body wash. Now I may be biased,...
Keep Reading
Limited edition tie dye Maverick. My first one was a flesh tone.
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Discontinuation alert: Vixen neon dildos

October 29, 2013
I HATE WRITING POSTS LIKE THIS, but you guys deserve to know before it’s too late. These beauties from Vixen...
Keep Reading
NobEssence Seduction in Padauk wood, lying out in the sun.
DildosGuest Reviews

Guest Review: Seduction

August 6, 2013
It’s been three years since I reviewed the NobEssence Seduction (oh my god, I’m OLD), and in that time, my...
Keep Reading
Vixen Creations Buck dildo with a bunch of bananas. Accordingly, the dildo has a Chiquita sticker on it that says NATURAL NUTRITION.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Buck

July 10, 2013
Is there a VixSkin oversaturation point? I now own seven things made out of this dual-density silicone, yet I’m still...
Keep Reading
Stronic Eins and the best ever tea towel, which reads "MASTURBATION: NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY IT" with a bunch of euphemisms in a circle around it.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Stronic Eins

April 24, 2013
There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a...
Keep Reading
Jopen Key Comet G Wand dildo balanced on top of a heart-shaped bowl, courtesy of Alex.
DildosGuest Reviews

Guest Review: Comet G Wand

April 15, 2013
Usually it takes a bit of time for my screaming endorsements to seep into the consciousness of my readers. Especially...
Keep Reading
G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop all wrapped up on each end... like a lollipop. I guess?
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: J-Pop

February 27, 2013
The G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop begins with a mistake — by getting way too literal about things. Always an ominous sign. Since it’s...
Keep Reading
HELLO MY SWEET. The Comet G Wand lying on a colorful striped platter.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Comet G Wand

February 20, 2013
It’s only February, and the Jopen Key Comet G Wand has a very good chance of being the best sex toy I...
Keep Reading
Glass dildos by Fucking Sculptures: G-Spoon, Corkscrew, Two-Cumber, Hooded Nun.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Fucking Sculptures

January 7, 2013
These people just cut to the chase. They called their company Fucking Sculptures. I like that gumption. I like it a...
Keep Reading
Ask Piph logo, with a sex toy forming the question mark.
Ask PiphGuides

Ask Piph #4

December 31, 2012
How often do you masturbate? You have quite a collection of toys; do you end up using most of them?...
Keep Reading
Epiphora's best sex toys of 2012
Best & Worst Sex Toys of the YearGuides

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2012

December 20, 2012
Ahhh, yearly traditions! As 2012 comes to a close (how did that happen, though, seriously?!), the time has come for me...
Keep Reading
Crystal Delights Crystal Twist swirly glass dildo on my porch.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

How to make a gorgeous dildo even prettier

December 7, 2012
I like toys that do all the taking-good-photos work for me. The Crystal Twist is one of those toys. As...
Keep Reading
Silicone dildos standing upright and proud.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsGuidesMaking ProgressTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

December 4, 2012
A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn,...
Keep Reading
Tantus Splash, a well-read dildo, standing on a bookshelf.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Splash

November 20, 2012
The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a...
Keep Reading
My desk, covered in messy used dildos and vibrators, with a bottle of lube in the foreground.
BanterTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

This will be your life.

November 10, 2012
Look, I get it. You think this is a picture of a FUN FUN SUPER FUN night. I know —...
Keep Reading
Jollies / LuzArte Jollet polka dot silicone dildo
DildosGuest Reviews

Guest Review: Jollet

November 8, 2012
The story of the Jollies Jollet is a long and strange one. I acquired and reviewed mine just as Jollies,...
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Movie Night: The Final Member

Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.

Review: Little Chroma

Wahl, Hitachi, Rock Box

Review: Rock Box

The Sybian... and packing materials.

Today in my life… a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

Holding the key to dildo mansion.

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

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