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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Greatest Hits

My best work. I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

Random
  • Latest
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  • Random
  • A to Z
Fun Factory Volta rechargeable vibrator hanging out in a glass bowl of sea glass.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youPenis ToysSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Volta

November 5, 2018
I’m not the type to chase adventure. Some people hop on roller...
Keep Reading
Afterglow PulseWave vibrator showing off its useless laser light energy.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Afterglow

February 28, 2015
I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But...
Keep Reading
BlissMe vibrators: Mr. Cowboy, Mr. U.K., Mr. Right, Mr. Badboy, and Mr. C.E.O
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with… personalities

May 20, 2015
Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring? FORT...
Keep Reading
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Queer sex party chronicles: hi, I’m new here

September 23, 2021
The party would change my life, but I didn’t know it yet....
Keep Reading
Typewriter, cup of pens, and some sex books. The sparkly "Epiphora" drink cozy on the cup was a gift from Bianca (TheVenusEmporium on Etsy). The other side has a vulva on it!
BanterBlogger LyfeBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

A sex blogger by any other name

September 3, 2016
I never know my name anymore. A few months ago, I was...
Keep Reading
Bouquet of hand drawn sex toys.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Friends who have sex with each other

July 12, 2014
Kynan greets me at the airport with a bouquet of hand-drawn sex...
Keep Reading
Magic Banana kegel exerciser and dildo, surrounded by plastic letters from the Bananagrams game spelling out "EMPOWERMENT."
DildosGreatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy Reviews

Review: Magic Banana

February 5, 2014
Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lock, thighmaster, or lasso...
Keep Reading
The simplehuman Sensor Pump on my nightstand, squirting lube onto my Pure Wand.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

June 10, 2016
Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of...
Keep Reading
Jimmyjane Form 5 and Hello Touch X vibrators (plus masking tape labels) next to some fall leaves.
BDSMGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

October 5, 2015
Why does Jimmyjane still exist? That’s mean. I know. I should delete...
Keep Reading
Me in my Princessa video review
April Fool's!Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Video review: Princessa

April 1, 2015
In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My...
Keep Reading
Sex toy reviewer spread: camera, laptop, to-do list, and sex toys everywhere.
BanterBlogger LyfeGreatest HitsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

The secret truth about sex toy reviewing

June 19, 2017
“Holy shit, you masturbate for a living?!” This is how people often respond...
Keep Reading
Cards in a sex game called "Foreplay"
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, NoWhine Time

How not to design a sex game

March 9, 2018
Why are sex games so bad? This is an eternal question I...
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System

March 3, 2010
The Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System, made by the Sinclair Institute, is...
Keep Reading
iVibe Massager phone app
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iVibe Massager phone app

December 21, 2011
When asking me to review the iVibe Massager iPhone app, the developer freely...
Keep Reading
Vintage vibrators: the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator (top), Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager.
April Fool's!Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Vintage vibrators

April 1, 2019
The inventor of the first electrical vibrator, doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville, called...
Keep Reading
Hot Octopuss Queen Bee oscillating rechargeable vibrator on a yellow polka dot plate.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Queen Bee

December 21, 2018
Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 4 5 … 7

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Graphic showing me and Sid from the video, plus a shot of me suctioning skin on my hand, and a photo of the clit pump itself.

Video review: a trans + cis conversation on clit pumps

Vintage vibrators: the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator (top), Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager.

Review: Vintage vibrators

Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator on an ornate rug.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Review: Rider

The LELO Ella, a white dildo with a flat tip, lying on a dark blue sheet. It is slightly wet.

Review: Ella, and my first ejaculation

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