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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Greatest Hits

My best work. I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

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  • A to Z
Minn kGoal kegel exerciser vibrator and my Android phone
Greatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: kGoal

September 3, 2015
Recently my partner admitted that, while fingering me, he wondered, is it...
Keep Reading
BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsMaking Progress

The pinnacle of relief

May 7, 2012
I got my chance to tell my parents about my work sooner...
Keep Reading
Me in a motel in 2002, on the bed writing in my journal.
BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest Hits

Becoming a real writer

February 18, 2015
I always wanted to be a writer. I wrote e.e. cummings quotes on...
Keep Reading
My pink sex toys all together. YOU REPULSE ME.
BanterFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsWhine Time

The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

September 3, 2013
I hate pink. Always have. Based on pure shudder-factor, my aversion to pink...
Keep Reading
September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

January 10, 2015
So I was interviewed for a piece about female ejaculation/squirting for Fusion...
Keep Reading
Slice of rainbow pride cake necklaces on a tie-dye fabric
BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsSunshine & Rainbows

The things we’ve built

July 3, 2018
GAY BEACH GIRLFROND FUNTIMES SUPERBLORPS. That’s what our shared calendar said. We...
Keep Reading
A headless man holding a Magic Wand and a realistic dildo toward the camera.
BanterFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

To all the men wanting to talk their wives into sex toys

June 17, 2019
I can see through you, and I don’t like what I see....
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsHi, I love youKegel ExercisersSex Toy Reviews

Review: Luna Beads

February 3, 2009
I received the Luna Beads on a day near the end of...
Keep Reading
Fun Toys G-Vibe, a purple dildo with a split shape, creepin' on the neighbors through the blinds.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: G-Vibe

September 22, 2014
There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so...
Keep Reading
Me holding the Diva Cup silicone menstrual cup, with appropriately blood-colored polish on my fingernails.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Diva Cup

April 15, 2015
The Diva Cup is the greatest thing I’ve put in my vagina...
Keep Reading
Rainbow notebook, bracelets, and keychain.
BanterBreak Out the TissuesFeaturesGreatest HitsInterviews

The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 1: Mom, I’m queer

May 9, 2017
I’ve had to come out to my parents more than once. When...
Keep Reading
Bendable Vertebrae vibrators: colorful, worm-like vibrators in strange positions... because they have SPINES.
"The Industry"BanterGreatest HitsToybox Reports

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

July 22, 2013
In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about...
Keep Reading
Pills spilled on an orange surface.
BanterGreatest HitsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

The 2 weeks of my sex life I lost to Zoloft

September 4, 2012
My doctor was mildly amused when I told her that I run...
Keep Reading
Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Little Chroma

July 9, 2012
The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your “friend” emailing...
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Rider

August 7, 2009
The Jollies / LuzArte Rider is an unusual beast. Part lump of...
Keep Reading
The Girl Next Door (2004)
FeaturesGreatest HitsMovie Night

Movie Night: The Girl Next Door

January 14, 2015
If you ever need proof of what a little shit I was...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 … 7

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

My pink sex toys all together. YOU REPULSE ME.

The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, a white plastic toilet-looking chair with a grey vibrating bump on top, standing in front of my sex toy closet.

Review: Rumble Seat

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator on an ornate rug.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Review: Luna Beads

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