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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Greatest Hits

My best work. I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

Random
  • Latest
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  • Random
  • A to Z
Nasstoys' Masturbating Glove. It is fingerless, cream-colored, and COVERED IN SPIKES.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

October 22, 2013
I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named...
Keep Reading
Afterglow PulseWave vibrator showing off its useless laser light energy.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Afterglow

February 28, 2015
I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But...
Keep Reading
Slice of rainbow pride cake necklaces on a tie-dye fabric
BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsSunshine & Rainbows

The things we’ve built

July 3, 2018
GAY BEACH GIRLFROND FUNTIMES SUPERBLORPS. That’s what our shared calendar said. We...
Keep Reading
Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a zig-zag-patterned rainbow crocheted blanket.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

May 26, 2015
IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a...
Keep Reading
My Celebrator oscillating toothbrush vibrator on a vintage floral patterned surface.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: My Celebrator

July 1, 2016
What is life if not a series of attempts at proving arrogant...
Keep Reading
Holding the key to dildo mansion.
BanterBlogger LyfeGreatest HitsGuidesTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

November 10, 2014
Most of my summer was spent in the throes of buying a...
Keep Reading
Cards in a sex game called "Foreplay"
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, NoWhine Time

How not to design a sex game

March 9, 2018
Why are sex games so bad? This is an eternal question I...
Keep Reading
Dame Products Eva "hands-free" "couples" wearable vibrator standing up like a creepy bug.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Dame Eva

December 17, 2016
I’ve never told you much about my labia, but I guess now’s as...
Keep Reading
Fun Toys G-Vibe, a purple dildo with a split shape, creepin' on the neighbors through the blinds.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: G-Vibe

September 22, 2014
There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so...
Keep Reading
Sex toys drying on the kitchen counter.
BanterBlogger LyfeGreatest HitsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

December 17, 2013
“Glamorous” is not at all a word I would use to describe...
Keep Reading
BanterGreatest HitsToybox ReportsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Step inside my sex toy closet

February 12, 2017
This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at...
Keep Reading
Tiny dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory standing up on a wooden display shelf.
April Fool's!DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy Reviews

Review: Tiny Dildos

April 1, 2016
Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant...
Keep Reading
A sex blogger's desk: dildos, coffee, laptop, etc.
BanterBlogger LyfeBreak Out the TissuesFeaturesGreatest HitsInterviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 2: Mom, I’m a sex blogger

January 22, 2019
The memory’s a bit of a blur now, but almost 7 years...
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: OhMiBod

May 30, 2009
I knew the OhMiBod was a shoddy piece of crap from the...
Keep Reading
Table of dildos! And camera! And notebook! And laptops! And coffee!
BanterBlogger LyfeGreatest HitsGuidesSo You Wanna Be a Sex BloggerTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

15 rules for writing a sex toy review that doesn’t royally suck

December 12, 2010
There is no rulebook for writing sex toy reviews, but any longtime...
Keep Reading
LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pino

November 24, 2014
We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years,...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 … 7

Latest posts

A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Epiphora's orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

Movie Night: The Final Member

Split Dildo chillin' next to my coffee and mug warmer.

Review: Split Dildo

September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

Minn kGoal kegel exerciser vibrator and my Android phone

Review: kGoal

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