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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random
BanterSex Toy ReviewsToybox ReportsVibratorsWhine Time

The fatal flaw of the Jimmyjane Form 2

May 4, 2010
The Jimmyjane Form 2 was so close to perfect. Until it wasn’t anymore. I started noticing, while using the Form...
Keep Reading
DVD cover of Seven Minutes in Heaven 3: Fuck Yeah!, queer porn directed by Courtney Trouble
PornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Seven Minutes in Heaven 3: Fuck Yeah!

May 3, 2010
Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven is a queer reality porn series. I am enamored with the first Seven Minutes...
Keep Reading
MARCH OF THE COCKS! Graphic of tons of VixSkin dildos, all lined up.
Giveaways

Giveaway: Squeeze some VixSkin!

May 1, 2010
It’s no secret I adore VixSkin, the soft-on-the-outside and hard-on-the-inside silicone invented by Vixen Creations. Right now, I’m still on...
Keep Reading
Screenshot of HealthyStrokes.com and its highly questionable sex ed advice.
BanterFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsWhine Time

Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator

April 29, 2010
I was recently watching a video about the hymen made by Kara Sutra, in which she recommended HealthyStrokes.com for its...
Keep Reading
Limited edition tie dye Maverick. My first one was a flesh tone.
Adventures in SquirtingDildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Maverick

April 27, 2010
I used to be frightened of realistic dildos. The flesh tones, the veins, the balls — all of it. It...
Keep Reading
Badly-designed web ad which reads, "She Wouldn't Fuck You! You Can Change That: Follow 2 Easy Rules, Get Ripped in 4 Weeks!"
BanterDirty Videos

She Wouldn’t Fuck You!

April 24, 2010
Dear this spammy ad’s target audience: I don’t think getting ripped will be enough. Here’s a better idea… Have a...
Keep Reading
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Turn Me On Vibrating Panties

April 20, 2010
Sometimes, even almighty sex toy reviewers make dumb mistakes. I made a huge one when I saw the Booty Parlor...
Keep Reading
Huge puddle of ejaculate on the Throe after using the Beyond 3.
Adventures in SquirtingFeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #6

April 18, 2010
March 4th, 2010 You know what’s hard to watch? An hour and 16 minutes of nothing but cocksucking. But I...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Beyond 1

April 16, 2010
How do you improve on a truly fantastic G-spot dildo? Duh, you make it vibrate! Vibrations make everything infinitely better,...
Keep Reading
Ask Piph logo, with a sex toy forming the question mark.
Ask PiphGuides

Ask Piph #2

April 13, 2010
If all your favorite sex toys had to be made from the same material, what would it be and why?...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Bnaughty Unleashed

April 12, 2010
It’s okay. You can be wary of the Bswish Bnaughty Unleashed. I was too. And sadly, having tried it now,...
Keep Reading
Three underwear-clad gay dudes advertising Jack's Soda Sex in a Can series.
FeaturesHell Yes / Um, No

Hell Yes: Jack’s Soda Sex in a Can

April 9, 2010
These cuties would like you to drink their sodas, if you know what they mean… heh, heh… Even though my...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Fairy Mini Wireless

April 8, 2010
It’s been a little while since I crowned the Fairy Mini Mini better than the Hitachi in almost every way,...
Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

Watch battery bullets can suck it

April 6, 2010
Hey, watch battery bullets — have I told you lately to suck it? No? Yeah, that’s because usually when a...
Keep Reading
Ophoria Beyond 3 dildo on a wooden floor.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Beyond 3

April 2, 2010
I have tried many dildos that hit my G-spot with varying degrees of accuracy and sensation. Some stimulate it very...
Keep Reading
April Fool's!

April Fooled!

April 2, 2010
If you didn’t get the chance to visit my site yesterday, this is what it looked like. With a .GIF,...
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

G-Spot Rx vibrator, a rabbit-style vibe in clinical blue, with a strange little rub on the shaft that rocks back and forth.

The world’s FIRST and only REAL G-spot toy! Ever!!!

Me in a motel in 2002, on the bed writing in my journal.

Becoming a real writer

Shiri Zinn Cupcake vibrator, and the tools to dismantle the patriarchy. (Fork and knife.)

Review: Cupcake

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

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